Update: We’ve lost our son permanently due the situation
Here’s the previous posts:
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/VTOUT4OhXJ
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/LFMuJrRlMV
Nine months later, I can finally give an update.
Unfortunately, things have gotten worse.
My son followed through with almost everything he said he was going to do. He did not return to college for the spring semester. Instead, he moved out, got a full-time job, and spent the last several months working and applying to transfer schools.
He was accepted to an out-of-state college and has just started his fall semester there.
The part I was not prepared for is that he seems happier than he has been in a very long time.
At first, my wife and I assumed the distance would be temporary. We thought that once he had time away from us, he might eventually want more contact. Instead, the opposite seems to have happened.
The longer he has been away from us, the less he seems to want contact.
For the first few months, he would occasionally answer our calls and messages. The conversations were awkward and short, but we at least had some contact. Over time, though, he started responding less and less
During that time, we did not hear anything directly from him. We only knew that he was working and preparing to move because of the limited information he had previously shared with us.
What has been hardest is hearing about how his life has been going since he moved out.
He has been working, saving money, and making his own decisions. He made friends during the months he was working. He has continued individual therapy. Now he has moved out of state and started the fall semester at his new school.
We only know those things because he told us shortly before leaving.
My son finally contacted us shortly before leaving for school. He said that he wanted us to understand what he wants going forward. He said he no longer wants a close relationship. He said that during the months he had been away from us, he realized how much anxiety he associated with being at home and around us. He said he feels like he can finally make decisions without worrying about how we will react.
He also said that he doesn’t spend as much time feeling angry anymore. That letting go of a close relationship with us has brought more peace than he has ever had before. That was probably the hardest thing he said. He told us that he wants to maintain a distant relationship with us, similar to the relationship he has with some of his extended family. He is willing to exchange occasional messages and speak during major holidays, but he does not want regular calls, frequent visits, or an emotionally close parent-child relationship. He said he’s done with us in a more permanent way.
He was very clear that he does not currently want to rebuild a close relationship with either of us.
My wife is taking this very badly.
She has been crying almost every day since he told us he wanted a distant relationship. She barely eats when she is upset and has lost noticeable weight. She keeps rereading his messages and scrolling through old pictures of him as a child. Several times, I have found her sitting on the floor in his old bedroom, holding one of his old sweatshirts.
She has also started leaving long voicemails for him, even though he asked us not to call frequently. She says she deletes them before sending, but I have caught her recording messages late at night. She has written him several letters and bought gifts for him, although he has told us not to send packages without asking first. She keeps checking his social media and asking mutual acquaintances whether he has mentioned us. When she sees pictures of him with his new friends, she becomes visibly upset and says that he looks happier with them than he ever looked with us. She has also started blaming herself, then blaming me, then blaming other people. One day she says we should apologize and give him space. The next day she says he has been manipulated by other people and that we need to make him understand how much we love him.
She has missed work twice because she was too upset to get out of bed. She has stopped seeing some of her friends because she doesn’t want to answer questions about him. When relatives ask how he is doing, she either starts crying or becomes angry and says they are taking his side.
I have tried to convince her that repeatedly contacting him will only push him further away, but she says that doing nothing feels like abandoning him.
I am taking it badly too, although I probably don’t show it as much.
The thing I never expected is that giving him the space he asked for does not seem to have made him regret leaving.
It seems to have made him happier.
And nine months ago, if you had told me that our son would walk away from our family, skip a semester of college, work full-time, move out of state, and start a new school—and somehow end up happier than before—I would not have believed you.
But that is where we are now.
He has made it clear that distance is what he wants, and that he is not waiting to return to the kind of relationship we had before.
I honestly don’t know whether his feelings will ever change, but I am beginning to understand that we cannot assume they will.