u/Aleeshyrajput

How to deal with marriage pressure?
I’m in a kinda weird situation…
I wasn’t raised by my parents. I spent my first few years in a joint family, then I was raised by my uncle and later by my aunts. For the past 15 years, I guess, I’ve been raised by my aunts.
I’ve been earning since 2020 and I’m the sole earner in my aunts’ family. I’m financially independent. My relationship with my parents and siblings is mostly just me giving them financial favours or support so I don’t carry the burden of abandoning kinship. (I do my best not to intentionally do anything that might displease Allah.)
Now my aunts are under pressure regarding my marriage, and they want me to do it. The majority of my family is Sunni. My aunts believe in the love of Ahlulbayt, but they only recently started following Fiqh-e-Jafria after I decided to become a Shia Muslim following my period of atheism. They don’t know about that part, though.
Now they’re forcing me to consider a proposal from our family and marriage circle. According to them, the proposal is fine: he’s settled abroad, has the same family background and upbringing as us, has a good reputation in the family, and is self-made but he’s Sunni.
For them, it’s not a big deal because they think a woman can change these things.
The first issue is that I don’t want to marry a Sunni.
Even if he is Bill Gates ka bacha, I don’t want to marry a Sunni. I don’t believe in fixing people or becoming their teacher in deen.

The second issue is me…
I’m just a kinda weird person. I don’t think anyone around me can even explain what type of person I am. Being an INFJ, I avoid conflict and prefer not to get involved with anyone. To people, it just seems like I’m being nice.
I’ve never felt any need to have friends or an emotional support system. I can’t keep up with people. If you talk to me, I’m a polite person—unless you’re a man and we don’t have any professional relationship.
I do have good friends. I can do whatever is within my capacity to help them, but that doesn’t mean I miss them. If I meet them, though, you wouldn’t be able to tell that.
I’m the kind of person who doesn’t care much about what’s going on in other people’s lives. I have years-old friendships, and I can do anything if they ask for my help, but I can’t even tell you how many siblings they have.
If I put it this way, helping and caring about people is me being empathetic and having fear of Allah. It’s not about me wanting them in my life.
I lose interest in people instantly. For example, if I see you following a TikTok trend or posting something just to show off, I’ll consider you a “shapar”someone who just goes with the flow and doesn’t have any weight in their personality….
So, in short, I don’t like people. I don’t get that feeling that a particular person should always be around me. I’ve never felt that way in my life, and I know it’s not going to change. I forget that people even exist, and the worst part is that I don’t feel bad about it.
But marriage isn’t like that. People have a very fantasy-based view of marriage. I don’t have that weird soulmate kind of thing.

The third and worst part is that I’ve never seen a happy marriage in my life.
I’ve seen long marriages, but not good marriages. Even if the couple is good, they end up raising a generation that is doing everything other than remembering and trying to know Allah.
Then what is marriage for?
For me, if you’re not raising Allah-fearing and Allah-loving children, there’s no difference between your life and the life of a dog. Both do the same things: eat, sleep, reproduce, and leave the next generation to do the same. I’ve never seen the kind of marriage where both parents raise a generation with the same goal.

The fourth thing is: why do people marry?
Because they don’t want to fall into zina. But I can never be that person. If I haven’t gone near it in 26+ years, I’m not suddenly going to do it now.
I also don’t believe that if I say “I do,” I’ll automatically become his soulmate and fall in love. That’s weird to me.
I can support anyone if I believe their goal or cause is right and aligned with the Quran or Ahlulbayt. If it isn’t, I’ll be the first person to back off. I don’t care who you are or what relationship we have.
I’m also an empathetic person. I understand that people have different journeys towards deen because I’ve had my own journey. But most men aren’t that empathetic about other people’s religious journeys… and i hate this thing about people…

The fifth thing is that I’m afraid I’ll end up stuck in it because of family pressure.
If I don’t do it, my aunts will be blamed by everyone my parents, siblings, and extended family. I don’t want that for them. But because I’ve always been the obedient kid, they’re now getting on my nerves trying to make me agree to marriage.
The sixth thing is that I don’t want to live the life my elders lived.
I don’t want a traditional life. I want to learn everything space, computers, multiple languages, and whatever else fills me with wonder and makes me fall more in love with Allah.
Basically, He is the only one I fear losing. Other than that, I don’t care.
I’m not that rich right now, but I’ll eventually be able to afford the life I want. I’m just trying to make my family financially independent, and I’ll do something to make that happen.
So, should I talk to my aunts?
I already did, but their situation is weird too. Everyone will blame them, and they’re not as nonchalant about it as I am. I feel bad for them, and then my communication skills go down the drain.Being the obedient kid my whole life, I can’t just sit down and explain all of this to themmm. They’ve also done so much for me, especially when my own parents and siblings went their separate ways. So I feel obligated to protect them from all this family politics.

I can list down more reasons, but the whole situation is just weird.I’m asking here because, even though this group is about marriage, at least it has people around my age who share the same faith as me. It feels better than discussing this with my Sunni friends or my aunts, who simply don’t understand my perspective.

Why do people have such delusional expectations from marriage? Why can’t both sides put themselves in each other’s shoes and remember that we’re human? Feelings and attachments can’t be forced or changed overnight.
A man is expected to marry and suddenly become perfect at balancing his wife and parents without making a single mistake. But both men and women were raised in the same society, and we all know the standard of tarbiyah here. Most people were taught to follow what their families told them since childhood, not how to manage boundaries, relationships, and conflict. These things are learned through experience.

Then we have men who were already handling their families’ responsibilities before marriage, but after marriage, they’re suddenly expected to prioritise their new family over the old one. We initially admire them for being responsible, but later shame them for not having boundaries. If you’re a good person who avoids conflict and simply wants a peaceful life, it’s natural to try to keep the peace with everyone. But in this society, that quickly gets labelled as being a red flag, immature, or someone who lacks boundaries.
It’s easy to tell people to “set boundaries,” but it’s much harder to do with people you genuinely love. It comes with a lot of guilt especially when those people aren’t abusive, just imperfect ….

I’m not defending mama’s boys, but I understand that such a transition takes time.
I’m like the eldest in my family, ( even though I’m the youngest among my biological siblings. )
I manage the finances and many other responsibilities. If I got married, would I suddenly prioritise new people over the family that already depends on me?

Honestly, no.

I wouldn’t be able to do that . I would have to work through guilt, fear, responsibility, and many other emotions. Would it be easy for me? Nooooo. Would I ever be able to do it? Honestly, I don’t think so. I would hate to be put in a situation where I had to choose between people I love. Would that make me a red flag? According to society, yes…. And expecting the other gender to handle the same situation perfectly is equally unrealistic.

From a woman’s perspective, it also seems strange to expect her to marry into a family, change her entire personality, and never disagree with anyone. We disagree even with our own parents and siblings. Sometimes we say it openly, and sometimes we let it go but disagreement is normal.
Women are expected to treat their in-laws like their own parents and siblings, yet they aren’t allowed to have the same natural disagreements they have with their own families. We don’t stay stuck on every disagreement with our parents, siblings, or children. We argue, make mistakes, and eventually move on. But in marriage, you’re expected to treat your in-laws like your own family while never disagreeing with them or making the same mistakes that naturally happen within any real family. How does that make sense?

That’s such a robotic thing to expect from women especially when society itself constantly describes women as emotional beings. Could we put a man in the same situation, ask him to treat complete strangers like his own parents, and expect him never to disagree with them? Nooooo.

Honestly, marriage in our society feels deeply unrealistic.

I’m planning to save money for Umrah. I’m from Punjab, Pakistan, and I’m the kind of person who starts researching before even making a final decision 😄
While comparing packages, I noticed something I don’t understand. Regular travel agencies …. mostly Sunni-run seem to offer cheaper packages with longer stays than the Shia agencies I’ve explored.
For example, one of the biggest agencies in my city offers a 20-day five-star package for around PKR 400,000, while its standard 20-day package costs only PKR 255,000. Meanwhile, Shia agencies are charging more than PKR 300,000 for just 10 days.
The difference doesn’t make sense to me. Are there any specific reasons or additional services behind these prices?

A little background: I’m currently working as a freelance web designer with a California-based agency, where I design and develop websites for local businesses. Since it’s hourly freelance work, I’m not tied to them exclusively. I also occasionally design apps and dashboards, but that’s not my main focus right now.
I’ve always wanted to move more seriously into product design. However, with AI becoming impossible to ignore, I don’t want to get stuck learning a new design tool every few months. I’m looking for something more stable and future-proof, so I’m considering learning AI engineering alongside design.
I haven’t figured out exactly what I need to learn or how this path would work yet. But I know I can handle technical concepts, and learning Python, LLMs, and related skills doesn’t feel impossible to me.
I’m still in the figuring-it-out phase, so I’d really appreciate advice from seniors especially anyone combining product design with AI or engineering.

Is it normal for an INFJ to be highly perfectionistic while also having way too many interests and this constant desire to keep learning almost everything?

I do believe my perfectionism causes me a lot of problems, especially when I need to do something quickly. For example, I’m thinking about building a personal brand because it aligns with my profession, which means I need to create content. I even designed my whole setup for it, but I’m never satisfied with the content or the setup. Nothing ever feels good enough.

Then there’s my brain constantly telling me, “You should learn this… and this… and that too.” 😭 So I’ll be working on one thing, learning another thing at the same time, and somehow exploring a third thing on the side.

And then I end my day feeling like I wasted half of it, even though if someone else looked at everything I did that day, they probably wouldn’t say I wasted my time at all.

I just never feel like I’ve done enough or learned enough. How should I handle this?

It seems weird, but I don’t think it’s déjà vu. Sometimes I see dreams where certain parts stay in my mind after I wake up, and then after a few months, I experience those exact moments in real life.
This has happened to me multiple times. Everything feels the same from the timing to the point of view. I don’t really know how to explain it, but it’s strange… like the dream comes first, and then reality follows.
I feel like it must be something related to the brain, maybe neuroscience. I know our brain is a pattern-detecting machine, so maybe it’s connected to that.
If anyone can help explain this or suggest something to read about it, I’d really appreciate it.

I’m trying to add a template to the marketplace. I was able to add the post and the site, and everything was working fine, but when I try to publish the template, it gives me an error.

https://preview.redd.it/b1hx6ezm518h1.png?width=1470&format=png&auto=webp&s=29d6c997a6a20378394b69c60e8e8cc3b6776beb

Currency in discussion = PKR 1$ = 286pkr
There is a debate going on on X in desi areas (Pakistan) about whether 30k is a bare minimum or not. I’ve also seen many posts here on Reddit about whether women should expect financial stability before marriage or not..
I’ve been earning or trying to earn since my 4th semester. I was raised by my aunts (phupos), and the circumstances I grew up in made us very careful about money. I’ve seen them prioritize saving over comfort, over health over everything.

Leaving that aside, if you had asked me 2–3 years ago, I would’ve said 30k is a lot mainly because I wasn’t into makeup or such things and always thought it was a waste of money. Even now in 2026, I’m still not into tabarruj, but I’ve started focusing on self-care.

I have a specific hair type (hair types like 2a, 2b, 2c, etc.), so I now buy shampoo, leave-in, and conditioner which costs me around 5–8k. Then I have supplements I deal with digital eye strain and iron deficiency. I don’t buy everything, but due to a family history of brain aneurysm and high BP, I do spend on relevant supplements again around 5–8k. Then facewash and basic skincare another 5–8k.

If I take the lower side, these three alone make about 15k. On the higher side, it goes up to 24k. I don’t go out much, prefer staying at home, don’t spend on clothes (my aunt handles that from household expenses money 🙂 ), and I don’t eat snacks, so I haven’t included those. I do like gadgets, but they’re expensive and not part of monthly expenses.

Still, even being stingy, I feel 30k is not enough for me and I’m single. I can compromise on many things. I haven’t even added perfumes, occasional food orders, or going out.

Now think about a married woman. In your own home, you can look however you want, but after marriage there is often a constant expectation to look presentable. That means self-care products, skincare, haircare, supplements which can easily reach 30k. Then makeup which is expensive and clothes, because you’re expected to maintain a certain appearance. Parlour , family events …

If women don’t spend on these things, then comes the fear of extra-marital issues and blame-shifting saying she’s not looking good enough.

On the other side, I’ve experienced earning phases myself from struggling to earn, to 25k, 50k, then 60k. I was the sole earner for a household of 8–9 people. I can tell you, with 25–50k or even 60k, you can barely manage anything.

There was a time my aunt got sick, and I couldn’t afford private doctors because my salary was delayed for months. I still feel that guilt sometimes wishing I had money back then.

Now I earn more I can handle household expenses of around 150–200k but it took me 4 years to reach here. Not everyone can do that. For some people, what I earn monthly could be their yearly income. Many are barely surviving….

On average, I’m not sure, but I think people earn around 60–70k (and I’m being generous). From that, they have bills, petrol, groceries and are left with almost nothing…. Sometime you have to borrow money to pay bills ..

The point is both sides have their struggles and concerns. Inflation is very real. Most men start earning late, around 22–24, which is also an issue. Earning is difficult spending is easy…. Then we have society expectations.. people don’t want to get rich they want want to look rich.. ( 🤮 )

I do believe women should earn, but then there are clashes with household roles... and no support in household chores… And if they don’t work, inflation hits again. So what options do people really have?

Men have their own struggles inflation, layoffs, supporting both parents and spouse. Bills , groceries medical expenses… your own expenses .. ( When you’re earning, you can’t just sleep whenever you want ( whether you’re a man or a woman. ) and constant push and pull in families…

Because of all this, women prefer well-settled men, which increases pressure on men. Men want to marry early, which is understandable, but women don’t want to take the risk of marrying someone who might not be financially stable ever in life ( we have so many cases ) . For women, marrying with uncertainty is risky because it’s worse to marry early, choose wrong, and end up in divorce… or life long struggle like previous generations..

Life is honestly very difficult for both genders…

Am I really an INFJ or not?

I’m an introvert I have maybe 2–3 friends, and even those friendships exist because they’re okay with me disappearing for weeks and then coming back like nothing happened. I wouldn’t say I have anyone I share my deep secrets with — not because I can’t, but because I just don’t like sharing unnecessary things. Even when I do share, it’s usually things that don’t matter much to me.

I do relate to the “N” type I’m intuitive and naturally drawn to patterns.

But I’m confused between being an “F” or “T.” I do consider other people’s feelings when making decisions and sometimes even prioritize their needs over mine. I try to avoid conflict unless someone is being arrogant or intentionally provoking others. I forgive easily because I believe people are flawed, not necessarily malicious most people just have their own perspective.

At the same time, I don’t feel emotionally dependent on anyone or have a strong desire for deep emotional bonding. I do have a good relationship with my family, but even then, I don’t think I’d share any really deep or “dark” secrets with them if I had any.

I’m quite self-motivated, I like planning, and I stay consistent with work — though I do go through phases of procrastination (like 1–2 weeks after 4–6 months of consistent work).

So now I’m confused… am I more INFJ or INTJ?

I’m a self-taught UX/UI designer. Since last year, I’ve been working with an agency that designs websites for local businesses I’m the solo designer there.

But the issue is, I’ve always been more inclined toward UX challenges and problem-solving, not just sticking to the same niche of service-based websites. I’ve always had an interest in product design. Before this role, I worked on a few projects like DMARClytics (email security platform), some AI chatbots, and real estate platforms. I also designed a trading indicators marketplace.

However, since I started this job last June, I haven’t really worked on any SaaS product, and now I want to get back into that space again. The thing is, with AI evolving so fast, everything is changing and I’m not sure what should i learn…

Another challenge is that I’m quite introverted. I struggle in meetings with random clients on platforms like Upwork. It gets better once I’m familiar with the person, but initially, I tend to avoid jobs that require calls. Which I think made me too comfortable with my current hourly role at that agency….

I’m not very active on Reddit because of my routine, but lately I’ve been seeing a lot of posts in Shia, marriage, Muslim women, and hijabi groups. Many women who stayed chaste and avoided haram relationships are now expressing sadness when they see others who didn’t follow the same path appearing happily married.

Honestly, it hurts to read those posts.

So I just want to say this for sisters and brothers who stayed chaste you did that for the sake of Allah, and you will be rewarded for it. But that reward isn’t promised in the form of a “good” or “early” spouse/marriage. It can be, but it’s not guaranteed in that way. Your intention was for Allah, and His pleasure should be enough. He is Al-Shakur He does not waste your efforts, and He will reward you in this world and the hereafter.

Also, marriage is not a reward it’s a responsibility. For some, it’s even a test.

You should still make dua, but please don’t fall into the mindset that all your struggle must be rewarded through marriage just by comparing yourself to others. Most of what you see is surface-level many people are just surviving or pretending.

And think about it if you get married and then realize it wasn’t right, what will you do? You wouldn’t turn to haram, right? So why let this comparison shake you now?

For me, this feels like one of Shaytan’s tricks making us focus on other people’s blessings and turning us ungrateful. Nothing and no one should come above Allah.

A few months ago I was scrolling on Instagram my algorithm is mostly women-in-tech content and I came across a video that led me to watch a whole drama. ( i thought it is women centric series) After a few episodes, something felt off. That was my first real exposure to queer content.

At first I just found it strange, but out of curiosity I explored it more and realized there’s a whole genre around it. That pushed me to look into the topic of homosexuality from both perspectives. ( islam pov vs this community )

Now I’m thinking it took me almost 25 years to even come across this kind of content, but now that I’ve seen it once, I’m noticing it more and more. It’s not very dominant yet, but in a few years it might be everywhere. Which means the next generation will grow up seeing it as completely normal. ( like the way we have normalised male and female friendship and gf\bf thing )

I remember one of my clients (an Arab Christian in the US) telling me he changed his kids’ school because of this. So I’ve been thinking how are we, especially as Muslims and within the Shia community, going to deal with this? I’ve even heard that this is becoming more visible in places like Iran, turkey and lebanon too.

Everyone probably saw that post on X where a woman shared her experience comparing Muslim and non-Muslim men, saying she found non-Muslims more respectful. After that, many Muslim men jumped in and started bashing her, criticizing non-Muslim men instead of understanding her point.

I’ve been freelancing for 4–5 years, working with both Muslim and non-Muslim clients, and honestly, I haven’t had bad professional experiences with either. But generally, I’ve noticed many non-Muslims (men and women) assume Muslim women are oppressed. I don’t always think their intention is bad sometimes it’s concern. I even had a client I still talk to who once told me I shouldn’t marry a Muslim man because she didn’t want me to get hurt and suggested I marry a Christian instead. I laughed at the time, but it made me realize how negative the perception has become.

And a lot of that comes from what they see groups like Taliban/ISIS, forced hijab , and certain loud online voices ( dawah bros) . In the West, many people genuinely believe Muslim women are forced into hijab and to be fair, in some cases, that does happen.

On the other side, I’ve also seen some non-Muslim men fetishizing Muslim women, which is honestly scary. btw we also have these kind of guy in muslim community...

but muslim brothers have the worst PR because of their actions, and we women end up facing the consequences of that. But I think omaris are one of the biggest reasons behind this online Muslim women–hating narrative. I’ve seen some Shias doing it too, but that usually comes from ignorance or cultural influence ( they used sunni source of knowledge to do that ) but my concern is Why are we Shias failing to change this negative image created by Sunnis?

Personally, I wish the whole world could start separating us from these omaris ( saqeefai version of islam). I wish we could clearly tell them that we don’t believe in what they preach about women, non-Muslims, or aggressive wars. They see us the same, but we’re not and if that difference was understood, maybe we could present a better image of Islam at least....

Mods can delete this if they want to.
Everyone probably saw that post on X where a woman shared her experience comparing Muslim and non-Muslim men, saying she found non-Muslims more respectful. After that, many Muslim men jumped in and started bashing her, criticizing non-Muslim men instead of understanding her point.

I’ve been freelancing for 4–5 years, working with both Muslim and non-Muslim clients, and honestly, I haven’t had bad professional experiences with either. But generally, I’ve noticed many non-Muslims (men and women) assume Muslim women are oppressed. I don’t always think their intention is bad sometimes it’s concern. I even had a client I still talk to who once told me I shouldn’t marry a Muslim man because she didn’t want me to get hurt and suggested I marry a Christian instead. I laughed at the time, but it made me realize how negative the perception has become.

And a lot of that comes from what they see groups like Taliban/ISIS, forced hijab , and certain loud online voices ( dawah bros) . In the West, many people genuinely believe Muslim women are forced into hijab and to be fair, in some cases, that does happen.

On the other side, I’ve also seen some non-Muslim men fetishizing Muslim women, which is honestly scary. btw we also have these kind of guy in muslim community...

but muslim brothers have the worst PR because of their actions, and we women end up facing the consequences of that. But I think omaris are one of the biggest reasons behind this online Muslim women–hating narrative. I’ve seen some Shias doing it too, but that usually comes from ignorance or cultural influence ( they used sunni source of knowledge to do that ) but my concern is Why are we Shias failing to change this negative image created by Sunnis?

Personally, I wish the whole world could start separating us from these omaris ( saqeefai version of islam). I wish we could clearly tell them that we don’t believe in what they preach about women, non-Muslims, or aggressive wars. They see us the same, but we’re not and if that difference was understood, maybe we could present a better image of Islam at least....