How to Salvage Relationship
Me 23F and my partner 22Nb have been dating for over 2 and a half years. We have been in what admittedly I've defined as a queer platonic relationship. We are both Ace but they are Aro while I am not.
Ive felt like for the most part our relationship has been more healthy and loving than any other I've ever had. We have shared interests, gained new ones from each other and been involved in each other's families.
We conceptualized our Aro x non-aro relationship as that I was attracted and loved them romantically and them as that I was the closest person in their life they love me but they didn't feel or really understand romantic attraction.
When we first met I made it clear that while I was happy dating them, I was poly and I have ambitions for starting a family and more with someone else. But over the years I've become less ambitious. I've had some other shallow relationships but it's extremely hard for me to find someone who can even compare to my partner. I've stopped dreaming about running off to a different country or forcing myself to rush through school and opted to slow down. I realized that the only place I wanted to be where ever it was, it was with them.
Now I know that they still don't feel the same love as I do but that is okay with me, all I know is that I want to risk It with them. So about a week ago I told them about how I was feeling and how I didn't want to shove anything onto them but I wanted to seriously think about having them in my life. How I want to work towards a future that could have structures where we were together.
They didn't really know what to say. They told me that they have a deep fear. A fear of being part of a pair. The main fear was not being your own person. Of course I clarified that it was really important to me that they were their own person and me my own, but I could tell that this was a sort of no. They tend to have a hard time putting their thoughts into words and told me that they would have to think about it. We hung out for the rest of the day which was surprisingly not awkward and didn't bring it up.
Today I realized I hadn't really processed what they were saying and I ended up realizing much more about our relationship. While our relationship has been good I realized that in part it was performative. I thought that they had wanted to be with someone even if it was a friend and coming to the realization that maybe they just wanted to not be "with" someone period made my heart sink. I realized for me, these things, closeness to family, spending the majority of time together, holding hands and cuddling were things that I would not, could not with a friend. The level of closeness for me makes me feel like I need some form of commitment from them.
I realized that it might be the healthiest option to break up with them.
This made me sob worse than I have for years. I was conceptualizing a break up letter and every time I even thought about it I couldn't hold back every tear. I also realized that the closeness, the plans we made, every single weekly hang out would never be the same. They are a player in my Dnd group even. I can't even think about cutting someone I love so much out of these things but I don't know how I could break it off without that.
Just a couple of hours ago we spoke on the phone. I was in shambles, spiraling and wanting to just disappear. They called me because my status was worrying. They wanted to make sure I was okay and I was honest. I basically told them everything.
They told me that they really want me in their life. They couldn't imagine not having me because they cared so much. We had a conversation where I told them that I didn't care about my ambitions as much and all I wanted was to be with them. I didnt know how they could but I knew I wanted them. They want me too, they told me about how they want me to still be integrated with their family, that they loved the.closeness we had and don't want to lose that. But they had to be honest, they couldn't be what I wanted, they told me that they didn't feel trapped but I still feel like I was forcing some sort of role onto them intentional or not.
We decided that we should stop crying and go to bed. Talk about this tomorrow. We haven't officially broken up and they told me they don't know if we just need a break or something more. My issue is that i can't imagine a world without them, so much of my habituale routine involves seeing them every couple of days, we had a flow, we visited their family every month. To be clear I don't do these things with my other friends. My partner is my closest friend but If I break up with them, I don't think I would be able to do all that with them. It would hurt because I know to me this was the closeness that made me love them in the first place.
Please we both want to have each other in eachothers lives but we don't know how. I'm so scared and I don't think I can do this.
Edit: Ive had a night to think and I want this to work. I dont want to just disappear from their life but I can't just pretend things are the way they were before.