u/AlternativeLess2712

So I was clean since 9th of May

And I relapsed yesterday, ie 19may.

The first I ever cut while my father was home

My parents didn't find out tho because it was like in the thighs so hidden.

However it feels really bad because they are trusting me to not cut and I have been lying to them

I don't know why I am even doing this if it is making me worse

I just wanted to vent it out and knowing that someone maybe knows this, I think it makes me a little relaxed

TL;DR: Does anyone else feel like attention seeker even when scars are hidden in lets say a hoddie?

So, I mainly cut on my forearm and to deep to mildstyro and they have left some noticable scarring.

When i started, I didnt really care to hide my cuts in my class: I used to wear a normal half sleeves tshirt and I didnt really felt anything with them being visible and noone even asked me about this (I mean my teachers)

But for some reason, a few months before I became insanely self concious and started wearing hoodies to hide them

But now I feel like an attention seeker because its really hot here and I am the only one wearing hoodie in class. One of my classmate even pointed it out to me today and that's why it hit me harder

Does anyone else feel like it?

I relapsed after 16 days.

It was my longest ever streak

I had multiple major events in between but I didn't cut at the time. However I feel like it all piled up on me today and that's it.

The worst thing is I don't even feel good because i haven't cut to my normal depth

I just felt like venting it out

So today my friends sent me a screenshot

My chats with a girl whom I proposed (got rejected but that's okay)

The thing is even though she rejected me, she promised that things will stay between us and she won't tell anyone.

But today that was broken.

She already blocked me around a month ago because my supposed best friend, who knew that I cut, told her

She also knew that I cut but she never knew the intensity.

The fact that she blocked me after that isn't bothering me much but that today she told it to everyone I know (my previous school friends) about the proposal and that I cut

Moreover, I got to know that another best friend of mine was flirting with her and always told me that he will never even get the thought of doing it at that time.

This shit really hurts me.

The people i trusted with everything were the ones to break my trust

I don't know if I will ever heal

After this I have severe trust issues now

I was clean for 9 days now and things were going fine but man this hit hard like a truck

I don't know who to tell everything now. There's noone to vent. My thoughts are stuck with me now

If my parents get to know that i relapsed, they will breakdown alot.

I really don't know what to do.

Everything feels so blurred and it feels like I am getting pulled back to my starting point now.

This was my biggest ever clean streak since I started but fuck man. I always fuck thing up.