u/AltruisticEye2924

Competitive aspirant here !! 20 M

Preparing from home for govt entrances and few other colleger entrances too

My parents were (or maybe are ) supportive and never demotivate me

But after since this neet leak they (especially my mom) is being noticably harsh towards me.

Randomly she brings up stuffs like " Han tu ta khali gilia janichu..ghara paen kana karuchu?.."

Recently she asked what to make chhole like for dinner and I said " Se jou masla deiki karu chhole semti kare" and she suddenly goes like "han tu lakhye tanka ghare aniki deide masaku mu kareidebi"

Idk why this and many more actions of her frequently feel like she's fed up of me

I've been hearing such rants from childhood like how after I was born and all her life was spoilt..she sacrificed everything for me and all. I'm also doing my best and I'm doing great at my academics and excellent at extracurriculars.but till date I don't ever received any compliment for that.

I don't know why I feel weird now

Being their only son i from my side have always tried to do my best.

Avoid school picnics, outings, to reduce financial strain on them.

From childhood been raised in a super strict environment

Have been preparing for Olympiads while others were playing enjoying

For an instance I went to play with my neighbour boy during Diwali holiday after 5 mins I heard my mom screaming my name and after I went she smacked me hard and told to sit down with books. Due to this extreme pressure I once even drank black phenyl in class 5 . god knows how I survived without even anyone knowing i did that. i did not get even any symptoms surprisingly.

Many more such have been imprinted in my mind.

As a result i grew up with very few friends in school

0 in college (11th 12th)

And now in my drop years I keep up myself with my studies and hobbies but food is one of my weakness. Also recently I've been craving non veg like crazy even I don't know why As my mom is strictly religious we get to eat only on wed fri and sun

But if I even say this I'll get to hear things like "Rakhyasa and all sorts of words " I have literally completely lost my faith on all sorts of gods and goddesses too.

And my baba has minimal role in our family coz he works at another district and comes once in 2 weeks that too for one half then at evening he goes to his mom (my dada's place at cspur).

Whenever I tell him I wanna go picnic or something he's like " Tu patha padha pila tu padhe ethire munda kharap kareni samaya nasta kareni" That's how I have not been to a family trip anywhere since childhood till date. i don't mind these all honestly but sometimes these things flood into mind when life feels heavy. Once even he said me i won't make it to bbsr this week firnto some office work but the next morning I got to know he was in bbsr ( he logged into my FB account and I got notification) at 2 am in the night

When I confronted him he told me " maa pakhaku asiaku kana tate pachariki kahiki asibi" . I mean I didn't stop you but why do you lie to me .

I feel tired genuinely. Even my cousins elder younger and even same age as me are much more spoilt brats but still are loved and appreciated for small things. Whereas I'm a subject of joke in family get togethers. That's why I avoid those too .

Idk why , I mean my parents are still feeding me well and all but this continuous hints of I'm a burden or something to them pierces my heart.

I sometimes crave and cry when I want to vent out in my room having no back to rely on or shoulder to cry on. Been a long time like this. Patting my own back and assuring I'm doing good and everything will be right, but now even my palms are tired and my mind itself says to stop this fake motivational shit to myself. I've even had planned properly su*cide for failing in class 12th.But fortunately how I passed only god knows.

So all I want is a genuine opinion on this.

Is this how the rest life is going to be?

What shall I do now!?

Thanks for reading if you reached the end 😭😂