u/Anxious_Baker_608

I (for context: F, 20y) went to an AA meeting once, people there were really nice and welcoming, and one of them even offered me a ride home because it was 11pm and I lived quite far away (one and a half hours by bus, and public transportation doesn't work well at night). And then I sort of chickened out and haven't returned. A few months have passed and I feel like I should return again because I haven't been doing really well.

I really don't know if I should return because I feel like it would be very awkward, I don't want them to have another introductory meeting for me. It's also a bit awkward that I am by far the youngest person there. And also I got a fear that I'll meet somebody there whom I will recognize and who will recognize me, idk a person from my university class, a professor, a neighbor, whatever. I am kinda hiding my problems from people I know so I would hate if this happened. Also my parents can't know, but they live a few hours away from me so idk.

Forgive me for a little rant, I hope I can get some advice or some thoughts in general. I don't really know what kind of advice I expect but I really needed to share this.

Just a complaint that I've had for a long time, but it's really starting to piss me off. As a lesbian who is trying to date, I absolutely hate men and couples who put "woman" as their gender, and some even hide it, I know that for sure because I always put in my filters that I'm only interested in women AND STILL I GET MEN, I HATE THEM SO MUCH!

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okay, this is a simple story and it's a very banal drama but it's been giving me worries for a long time now and I really need people's opinions.

Also a warning – English isn't my first language but I hope my writing is comprehensible.

I (20F) have a friend (21F) at university, let's call her Ella (I'm using random fake names just in case). We met this year, during the first month of uni, so in mid October, and we started sitting together in class and talking almost immediately. We don't really hang out outside of university, but that's because it's difficult for me to hang out with people in general. I've never really had friends or relationships during my teenage years, so idk what to do and how to connect to people.

Me and Ella have a friend in common, let's call her Ruby (20F) who also goes to uni with us. I met Ruby in early October, so a week or two before meeting Ella. We kinda became a group very fast. I sorta had a crush on Ruby since the beginning, but since I have almost no relationship experience (I genuinely had 1 relationship in my life and it was an awful experience) so I just didn't act on it.

After the Christmas break Ella confessed to me that she liked Ruby, but she wasn't going to pursue this romantic interest since Ella just came out of a really bad relationship and she isn't ready to date again (her own words).

Now. Ella hasn't been talking about Ruby for some time and I just kinda assumed that her crush is over, so I decided to at least try to shoot my shot and I started lightly flirting with Ruby. And I don't know if it's mutual or not, because sometimes it feels like she's flirting back, while other times it seems like she doesn't even notice that I'm flirting. One time, at Ella's birthday party, I made a few risky jokes to Ruby (that Ella didn't hear) about her being attractive, me possibly being into her, etc, but it doesn't seem like she took it seriously.

And now I'm pretty sure that it's more than a crush and I actually like Ruby. I decided that I should confess to her, hoping that it wouldn't ruin the friendship, because it kinda became the only thing I can think about and it's genuinely distracting me from my normal life. I've never felt like that before.

However, two days ago, Ella told me that she wanted to ask Ruby out and she did, not on a date but as friends, since Ella is very nervous about ruining the friendship with Ruby. Tbh Ruby doesn't seem romantically interested in her at all, but they do spend a lot of time texting, less time than either of them spend texting with me. Ella seems much happier now than she did before, as if this crush was helping her recover from the bad stuff in her past.

So I'm kind of stuck. I tried to invite Ruby to hang out with me as well, but she couldn't yet since she has a busy week. Am I the asshole for trying to pursue a girl that my very good friend also likes? I don't want to ruin either of the friendships and I don't want to ruin Ella's life in any way, she is very into Ruby, but I also genuinely feel like I can't keep quiet anymore, it's killing me from the inside.

Pls tell me if I'm the asshole or if I would be the asshole in your opinion, I don't know what to do and I really need some advice.