Neither of us is very good at being and staying ‘just’ friends with each other, are we?
Either that or, we both have a slightly unconventional definition of what ‘friendship’ means…
Not to say that we shouldn’t keep trying.
Just don’t judge me if things are a little weird sometimes. You know I always afford you the same grace.
I’m all in, if you are!
No matter what happens and how this turns out in the long run, I just want you I know this:
You gave me the chance to experience falling in love again.
You gave me a love story.
And for that, I will always, always be grateful to you.
I love you, friend.
I hope you don’t text me. Not today, not again tomorrow. Not for a week. In fact, you could maybe never reach out to me again.
Not because I don’t want to hear from you, hear your voice. Not because I don’t think about you and wonder what you’re up to. Not because it wouldn’t light up my day seeing your name and knowing you’d thought of me. Not because I don’t care. But because I care too much.
I’ve known for a while that this isn’t completely healthy or sustainable for me. I’ve been working on setting boundaries, for myself, around how much I indulge in over-investing emotionally into you, and our relationship, and the fantasies.
But, it’s really freaking hard.
Hard not only to hold my own self back. But also because I don’t want to hurt you. I hate the thought that you might see my reduced engagement as a change in my appreciation toward you.
So, if it could come from you… That would be the best of both worlds. I wouldn’t need to feel guilty about possibly hurting your feelings. And I would be completely free of temptation and rationalization my brain gives me to slide back into inappropriate territory with you.
Because, as much as I’ve told myself otherwise, I don’t need you in my life. In fact, it would de-complicate my life a lot if you disappeared back from it. I have other dear friends, other relationships, other loved ones who love me back. You’re a very unique and wonderful and special person, and I think we have a, perhaps, uncommon? rare, even? connection. But that doesn’t make it, make you, a one-of-a-kind, once-in-a-lifetime fated soul-mate of a person, either.
(I know this now, both after learning more about human psychology, and also reading other people’s experiences and “unsent letters” and talking with others who have experienced similarly unbelievable crazy connections and feelings with people. It’s not only me, it’s not only you.)
Also, it feels vulnerable and embarrassing to be the one to pull back and throw up boundaries. Because it feels like admitting I went too far, and know it, when all along I’ve been playing and pretending like everything was perfectly fine. That part is just me selfishly not wanting to feel hard feelings, though.
I know you probably will text me. You’d have no reason not to. And I’ll like it, and respond. But, these are just my thoughts and feelings for today.
Regardless of when I next hear from you… and however long and in what form our connection lasts… I will always, always have love for you; and I’ll never, ever forget you. And you might always remain my favorite fantasy…
I have realised that I am have been experiencing fairly debilitating limerence over a friend/crush(?) for the better part of a year now.
It happened all of a sudden as soon as I met this person. And it was so strong and so unlike anything I had ever experienced, at first I thought it was something like a fated connection, or falling in love.
Started out as extreme fantasising, constant constant rumination over wondering how they felt toward me back, analysing their messages for hidden intent, etc etc.
But then the more I got to know them, the more we became actual friends and the more certainty I got that they did return my feelings, at least to some platonic degree, I thought it might let up, but it did NOT.
There’s ocasional romantic fantasies still, but even simply platonic ones!! Just replaying messages in my head, replaying memories of times we spent together, being together, thinking of things I want to say to them and composing messages in my head, putting together gifts for them, imagining scenarios of things they might say to me or things we might do together in the future, wondering if they are thinking about me, thinking about our relationship and our friendship, wondering if it’s inappropriate or if it was in the past, even just analysing and musing on the limerence itself, like I am doing right now!! And in and on and on. It exhausts me just writing it out like this, and it’s going on in my head almost 24/7.
It isn’t like I necessarily idealise them, I fully know that they are not a perfect person or a perfect friend or would be a good romantic partner etc. It’s just that I am somehow able to forgive them for their faults? Overlook flaws that would put me off in any other person, end up viewing them as quirks rather than incompatibilities.
Every so often I get icked out by my own obsession or even occasionally by them, but then it always comes back before long. When we are out of regular contact it does fade slightly, but never completely.
What do I do? It’s affecting my ability to concentrate and enjoy my other interests and relationships.
Do I need to go to therapy? Put stronger boundaries and restrictions on the amount of time I spend with this person? I wouldn’t want to go no contact, as that seems punishing to the other person, who has done NOTHING wrong but be kind and a genuine good friend to me.
Any thoughts and advice appreciated.
I miss you.
I miss most of all being near you, touching you.
In the strangest way, I feel I missed being physically with you even before we ever had been in each other’s presence. And now that we have, it’s…actually not much changed. Just confirmed.
If things were different, I’d drop everything and move mountains to go visit you again, immediately.
But, you understand. I know you do. I’m playing a long and complicated game here.
We both are.
What is the kindest way to step back or scale down an intimate friendship, particularly when the friend has done nothing at all wrong?
Is it better to slowly enact new boundaries regarding frequency and content of communication? Or better to have a direct conversation? I genuinely cannot tell which one is likely to hurt less.
I feel awful because this is a friend I truly like and love and care about. We became friends very coincidentally and randomly, bonded quickly, and have remained semi-long-distance friends for about 2.5 years now. But I realized, much too late, that the friendship is crossing boundaries within the context of my relationship with my partner.
(Not my own personal sense of boundaries and values regarding friendships, specifically mixed-gender friendships, but my (more traditional culture) partner’s, confirmed via a recent discussion. (Nothing inappropriate has ever happened on either of our sides. Just friends, zero attraction in that way.) Unfortunately, as much as I love and value my friend, my relationship with my partner is much longer and fundamental and more certain over the test of time, so I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’ll need to scale way back this particular friendship in order to compromise.)
I know it will likely surprise and hurt my friend, at least some degree, as it will come out of nowhere and be a big change from our current method of communication and relating to each other. So I’d really just like advice on which is the more appropriate, honest, kind thing to do. Even while my own heart is hurting as well.
Specifically - I will need to reduce the frequency on contact, by a lot, and make the connection less personal in terms of emotional sharing and language. And I will need to cancel travel plans that we had made together in the following year.
So… Do I just, talk less? Respond less, and respond differently? Never again bring up the travel plans? Or would that bring more confusion and hurt than a difficult but honest conversation, to explain and also ask whether they would prefer to sustain a lower level of friendship or go no-contact altogether?
Would love any thoughts and advice especially from people who’ve either been slowly and indirectly faded out or downgraded OR been directly told a friendship needs to be scaled back or changed.