u/AptusMan

Nobody taught me how to actually talk to women. Not in school, not at home, not anywhere. I just got thrown
into social situations and expected to figure it out. For a long time I thought I was broken because it never felt
natural. What I eventually figured out is that most guys are in the exact same spot. They are not bad with
women. They just never got the reps. You would not expect someone to be good at a sport they never
practiced. Dating is the same thing. It is a communication skill and like any skill it gets better with practice, not
with hacks or lines or tricks. If this hits close to home you are not alone and you are not as far behind as you
think.

I used to think abundance mindset was just pickup artist language for being emotionally unavailable and talking to a bunch of women at once. Turns out I had it completely wrong and so do a lot of guys.

Here is what it actually looks like in real life. You meet someone you like. Things are going well. But you have not had any conversation about being exclusive, nothing has been defined, you are just talking and going on dates. And yet somehow you have already mentally deleted every other option, you are checking your phone constantly, and your entire mood is being dictated by how fast she texts back.

That is scarcity. And it is exhausting for you and honestly a little suffocating for her even if she never says it out loud.

Abundance mindset just means you keep living your life until both people have actually decided they want to be exclusive. You keep your options open not because you are trying to play games but because nothing has been agreed to yet. You stay grounded in your own life instead of orbiting around someone who has not committed to anything.

The second you make someone your whole world before they have chosen to be your whole world the dynamic shifts and not in a good way. They can feel it and it changes how they see you.

When you both decide you are exclusive, that is when you fully invest. That decision should be a real conversation not something you assumed because things felt good for a few weeks.

You are not trying to be a player. You are just trying to not hand over all your power before anyone asked for it.

I used to treat every rejection like a verdict. She said no and my brain immediately started explaining why. I was not good looking enough, not interesting enough, not enough of something. I would replay the whole thing trying to figure out what I did wrong.

The problem with that is it puts all the meaning in the wrong place.

Rejection is just information. It means this person, at this moment, in this specific context, did not feel enough of a connection to move forward. That is it. It does not mean you are undateable. It does not mean something is broken. It means it was not the right fit and now you know instead of wasting months wondering.

Think about it this way. If you apply for a job and they hire someone else you do not spiral into an identity crisis. You update your resume, maybe sharpen your interview skills, and you keep going. Dating is the same thing except we make it way more personal than it needs to be.

The guys who get good at this stuff are not the ones who never get rejected. They are the ones who got rejected enough times that it stopped meaning something it was never supposed to mean.

Next time she says no, say thanks and mean it. Not sarcastically. Actually mean it. Because now you are not stuck in a situationship going nowhere, you are free to find someone who actually wants to be there. That is not a loss.

That is efficiency.

There is a concept called a covert contract and once you understand it you will never look at your own behavior the same way again.
Here is what it looks like in real life. You start texting her every morning because you like her. You pay for everything every time without hesitation. You go out of your way to help her move, fix her car, be there whenever she needs something. And in the back of your head you are thinking surely she sees how much I care. Surely this is building into something.
Then it does not. And suddenly you are confused and hurt and maybe even a little bitter. You did everything right. What went wrong.
What went wrong is you made a deal she never agreed to.
That is a covert contract. You did nice things but underneath it was a transaction. You were being kind as a strategy, not because you actually just wanted to be kind. And the wild part is women feel this even when they cannot explain it. That weird energy where a guy seems generous but something feels slightly off. That is usually this.
And look, nobody teaches guys this. You were probably told that being a good guy, showing up, doing the right things would eventually pay off. So you did all of that and kept a tab running in your head without even realizing it.
The fix is not to stop being generous. The fix is to be honest about what you actually want instead of trying to earn it through niceness.
If you are into her, say so. If you want a second date, ask for one. If you want something, use your words. It feels scarier than dropping $200 on dinner but it actually works.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​

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