u/ArmadilloAfraid6966

Lately my life has been rlly awful and I’ve had thoughts about how I wish I was dead honestly and how I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t think I will ever act on it bec I think it’s incredibly selfish thing to do to my loved ones but it’s something I think abt a lot and wish was my reality sometimes. If I told my therapist this would I be admitted to a psych ward or anything. Cuz I want to bring it up but I don’t want it to cause anything like that

Sometimes I genuinely feel like I have the worst situation with my family. I know people have it much worse but I can’t ever stop feeling like I am so angry with god for giving me a father like this. And again I know some people have it much worse with their fathers but it doesn’t make me feel any better, it makes me feel more angry with god astaghfurallah. like why would he allow so much pain and such horrible things to happen to people (for example. Child rape/traficking? Incest rape? Gaza?

I know the typical answers like this is their test, or people are the evil but I can’t understand what a test is supposed to do? What is it to prove? That I’m worthy for jannah? It feels like cruel punishment for nothing almost. Like if I felt god was truly merciful why make this almost video game like world to get to the next level of eternal paradise?

I can’t get out of this funk of hating my father and being unable to forgive and move on and constantly marinate in the pain that has been inflicted by him for my entire life. I just feel like everything is pointless and I can’t get out unless I get married and then I may make a horrible decision with who I pick or I will ruin the relationship bec of my trauma. And even if I get out and everything is good I would feel constant guilt for leaving my mother or siblings behind. I have an education but it’s not one I can get any good job unless I get a masters or go to more school for now.

I’ve been incredibly stressed for the past few weeks with family problems. I was also traveling and my wisdom tooth started growing in and the pain was excruciating. While that was happening I felt my throat was sore but that resolved after like 2 days. However, I remember my friend saying she felt I had a fever. A few days after that I had cold/flu like symptoms. As I was flying back home (with horrible layovers) when I was using the restroom I noticed incredible discomfort, when I wiped it felt like sandpaper. I noted I probably had a yeast infection (I used to get these often). As I finally got home and had a proper shower I noticed how painful it was to shower and when I cleaned myself I felt like something was down there almost like cysts. The dryness did not add up to yeast infections I’ve ever had in the past, so I gave myself a exam in the mirror with my flashlight and to my horror I saw a almost inch long white and brown patch on my right vulva. I tried peeling it off and it wouldn’t.

The next day I went to the urgent care where the nurse practitioner examined me and told me I have Lipschütz most likely. And that she thinks I have mono recently. Because I’ve had oral sex (only) in the past (last time was like 3.5 years ago) she was like pretty sure I didn’t have an sti but for my sanity I asked them to test me (blood). Which all came back negative. I spoke with my dr who told me to go to an OBGYN. When I went in she immediately was like oh I think u have herpes. Which freaked me tf out and I’m still scared. She said just bec my blood is negative for herpes doesn’t mean I don’t have it and I should just come back in a month to see how they healed. Offering me basically no peace of mind or comfort. I called back the urgent care and asked them about my swab sample, they didn’t test for viral, only bacterial which was negative. So I went back and was swabbed for viral, now I have to wait like a week for that test. But I’m so anxious I have herpes, which I don’t think I do but the OBGYN was just so quick to say I do and offered me no peace of mind. The other PA who took my second swab also said she adhered with the first nurse practitioner that she thinks I have lipschutz but u can never be sure unless we do this swab.

My biggest concern is a) if I have herpes and b) if it’s lipchutz, will it come back again? It’s so extremely painful and also so embarrassing I can’t deal with this forever