17M with 18F. Is this relationship fading, or could this just be an anxious/avoidant cycle?
I’m 17, she’s 18.
We’ve known each other for several months. At the beginning, she was the one who showed a lot of interest. She told me I was different from other guys, called me special, complimented my appearance, said she was really happy we met, and even admitted she had stalked my social media before we got close.
She has told me she is bisexual and usually prefers girls (she once said that in 9 out of 10 situations she would choose a girl), but she considered me an exception. She has almost no relationship experience with men and seems to value emotional and platonic connection much more than sex. She also has very low libido.
She has depression, autism (Asperger’s), a history of being bullied, very low self-esteem, and she has told me that getting emotionally close to people sometimes makes her want to distance herself. She also said she sometimes ignores even close friends for long periods because she withdraws into herself.
I’m much more anxiously attached. When communication changes, I overthink everything, seek reassurance, and struggle with uncertainty. I’ve been learning about attachment styles recently because I recognize these patterns in myself.
We became physically affectionate. We kissed many times, hugged a lot, held hands, and our last date felt genuinely warm. She laughed a lot, looked relaxed, and actually initiated physical contact more often than I did.
She has also shown jealousy before. One time she saw that I had liked attractive girls’ profiles on a dating app before we became serious. She became really upset and told me it made her hate herself even more because she felt they were much prettier than her. Another time, after I told her I felt uncomfortable about a guy she used to text, she voluntarily blocked him and stopped talking to him.
A while ago, after I confronted her because she felt distant, she told me she didn’t think she liked me romantically anymore and thought maybe we should just be friends. However, after that conversation things improved again. While I was on vacation in Italy, she texted me almost every day, asked how I was doing, shared things from her day, and seemed interested in talking.
Recently she spent time making me a playlist of music she likes because I asked her for recommendations. We had a long conversation about music, joked together, sent memes and TikToks, and she even shared artists she was previously afraid to show people because she thought they were “too niche.”
She also once gave me a small stuffed puppy that smelled like her, which meant a lot to me.
However, over the last month the dynamic has changed.
She replies more slowly now.
She rarely starts conversations first.
She sends fewer TikToks than before.
Our communication feels less alive than it used to.
I’ve invited her to hang out several times.
The first time she said she couldn’t because she felt physically unwell.
The second time she said it was over 35°C outside, that she couldn’t handle the heat, and even staying at home felt bad.
She never simply said “I don’t want to see you,” but she also didn’t suggest another day herself.
One important thing: I also made mistakes.
At one point I became very anxious, apologized excessively, and while drunk I even tried to go to her sister’s workplace, even though she had previously asked me not to involve her sister in our relationship. Later she told me I was “overloading” her by apologizing so much.
Since then I’ve been trying to give her more space, stop chasing reassurance, and become calmer.
Currently she still responds to me, reacts to things sometimes, watches my Instagram stories, recently talked with me about music, and doesn’t ignore me completely. But the level of initiative is noticeably lower than it used to be.
I’m trying to figure out whether this sounds more like:
someone slowly losing romantic interest,
someone with avoidant tendencies pulling away because of stress/depression,
or simply a difficult phase in a young relationship.
I’m **not** looking for false hope. I’d genuinely like objective opinions, especially from people who have experience with anxious/avoidant dynamics or similar relationships. tl;dr