u/Asleep_Coat1374

My girlfriend says I feel like a friend, not her man. She wants me to "win her over" but I don't know what that means practically.

We've been together a while. Yesterday she was honest no fighting, just real talk. She said she wishes she could fully choose me but right now she can't. That I feel like a friend, not a boyfriend.

She stopped telling me what she needs because she wants things to come from me naturally. She said "you already know everything about me, so you know what effort looks like." But I genuinely don't my brain goes to material things and she's said it's not that.

She ended with "just be yourself. Real bonds form when people stop performing." I hear it, I just don't know how to apply it when I've lost touch with who I even am in this relationship.

Things I'm working on defensiveness, insecurity, anxious attachment.

What I can't figure out:

- What does non-material effort look like day to day?

- How do I make her feel that "he's mine" security again?

- What she means by "be myself"?

She's still here, still talking to me every day. I don't want to waste that.

If you've been on her side of this what was actually missing?

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I don't know how to start this but I need to get it out.

Me and my gf have been together for a while now. We've had our ups and downs like any couple, been through phases where we were really close and phases where something just felt... off, But we never fully walked away from each other. She's still here, I'm still here, and that means something to me.

Today we had one of those rare honest conversations. No fighting, no blame, just real talk. And I came out of it confused but also hopeful not because it went bad, but because I finally heard things I didn't fully understand.

She said she wants me to win her over. That she "wishes" she could fully choose me but right now she can't. When I asked how I make her feel she said like a friend. Not a boyfriend. Not her man. And that honestly broke something in me because that's the last thing I want to be to her.

She said there was a time she used to tell me everything that i need to do, felt like she was loving herself through me. So she stoped expecting things from me, that's one of the reason why she feels that way, she said when you be yourself and do things from there stronger bonds are formed. But this is where I am confused on what to actually do and make her feel that way?

She also said "you already know everything about me, my whole day, everything I feel, so you already know what effort looks like." But I genuinely don't. When I think of effort my brain goes to gifts, surprises, doing things for her materially. She's told me before it's not that. So I'm just... stuck. What is she waiting to feel? What am I not giving her?

She ended with, just be yourself. That real bonds form when people stop performing and just are who they are. I hear that but I don't know how to apply it when I feel like I've lost touch with who I even am in this relationship.

Things I know are wrong with me and I'm actively working on-

1. I get defensive instead of just listening and understanding.

2. I get insecure and it probably shows more than I think

3. Anxious attachment - I'm working on this, genuinely getting better

What I still can't figure out-

1. What does effort look like if it's not material? She knows I'd do anything, but what is the anything?

2. How do I make her feel like I'm her man again - that safe, secure, "he's mine" feeling and not just a really close friend?

3. How do I "just be myself" when I'm not even sure what version of me she fell for and how to get back to it?

She hasn't left. She's still talking to me every day, still open, still love me, she is still in this. There's something she's waiting to feel and I want to give it to her more than anything. I just don't know what it is.

If you've been on her side of this what was missing? What would have made the difference?

M25 She F22, We're stable, we talk daily, no major issues on the surface but something feels stagnant. Like we're maintaining, not growing.

Our calls are mostly day-to-day stuff. Arguments happen roughly monthly, usually around emotional safety and effort. And honestly a lot of that is on me. I've said and done things in the past that made her doubt me. She forgave me and let it go, but I know that kind of damage doesn't just disappear. It stays underneath.

So we're in this strange place happy, emotionally deep but also not deep. Stable but not secure. She's still here but I know I haven't fully rebuilt what I broke.

What actually moves an LDR forward when there's been real damage to trust? Not gifts, not couple apps something that genuinely creates the feeling of "yes we're building something real and safe together."

Have any of you rebuilt depth and security in an LDR after causing hurt? What actually worked not just to maintain, but to genuinely grow past it?

I M25 She F22, We're stable, we talk daily, no major issues on the surface but something feels stagnant. Like we're maintaining, not growing.

Our calls are mostly day-to-day stuff. Arguments happen roughly monthly, usually around emotional safety and effort. And honestly a lot of that is on me. I've said and done things in the past that made her doubt me. She forgave me and let it go, but I know that kind of damage doesn't just disappear. It stays underneath.

So we're in this strange place happy, emotionally deep but also not deep. Stable but not secure. She's still here but I know I haven't fully rebuilt what I broke.

What actually moves an LDR forward when there's been real damage to trust? Not gifts, not couple apps something that genuinely creates the feeling of "yes we're building something real and safe together."

Have any of you rebuilt depth and security in an LDR after causing hurt? What actually worked not just to maintain, but to genuinely grow past it?

I need vocals for future bass type music, where do you find those for free and royalty free.

The physical urge is manageable. What's harder is the psychological one.

When I'm on SR, my emotions flatten out stable but almost boring. And there's this nagging feeling that I'm depriving myself of something I'm supposed to feel. So I'll peek at something, or fantasize, just to feel that aliveness again. Not even to finish just to feel something, but one thing leads to another and end up finishing.

How do you deal with that? Is there something that genuinely replaces that pleasure hit, or is the goal to stop chasing that feeling altogether?

My gf told me I've changed, that she feels the ick around my thoughts, that I am not the man i used to be and that she made the right choice not to consider future with me yet. And honestly... she's right. After the convo I decided to cut the call because I knew I have some what fallen in her eyes.

I've become someone with harsh, one sided views on women, marriage, and equality. I have filled with hate, extremist thoughts over things, I know it's coming from fear or pain, not logic but I can't see what secure people see. I can't even name what I'm protecting under all the anger.

What's the psychology behind this kind of bitterness? And why does the ego resist even wanting to heal?

Not looking for validation. Looking for honest insight/healing suggestions from people who've been here.

And will this be forgiven, especially by her?

EDIT: you all are helping me alot, thank you for that! I know I'm the one to blame here and i want to work it.