u/Aspookytoad

I have a hard time even understanding what I could ever even want in life

I don't care about money, I hate the idea of a career, love, or family, I'm not spiritual, I have no hobbies besides videogames and the occasional joint. But thats not really anything but anesthesia.

I've been severely depressed for all 24 years of my "life". I also have extremely bad ADHD. Meds work a little but only temporarily. Therapy helped me vent but didn't really help me improve anything. I can't afford it anymore. The mental hospital made me worse. Not making that mistake again.

I don't even know If I want to be better. Like I guess I do since I'm here, but idk what "better" even is? Like what is there even to do in life? Everything I think of seems like its not worth the hassle.

What do you do if you don't want anything? Like it seems all I have in front of me is survival for its own sake? But how is that worth anything?

Turning 24 in 2 months and am bumming with my parents job searching with a useless liberal arts degree. I'm one of those people

Seems like I don't want to live. I actually have never wanted to. I have sense 1st grade, maybe earlier.

I can't imagine the "good life" I have to cut through depression to get.

Current situation is a catch 22 of not having a job or having a job which are both shit options.

From there you just work until you die as far as I understand it. you get some free time you use to do chores or do endless pointless self-cultivation or just doomscroll, or just fantasize about death

I don't care about career, money, romance, religion, travel is not financially possible for me and the novelty would likely wear off. I don't care about building skills beyond not being humiliated for not having a single one. I hate the idea of having a family.

I like art sometimes. But really if I could choose the rest of my life I'd just sleep or doomscroll until I croak. Or just walk around VR historical simulations for like diet time travel. But that's not here so

Like I don't even know if I want to get better. The "happy" people aren't happy. "Life" without depression seems like shit anyway. Life would like have to 10x more interesting, rewarding and fun to be worth the depression tax. Life is hard, unfair, and It seems people believe its worth it because its downstream of the base assumption that "it must be worth it because death is bad".

And then like, its sure a lot of work. I doubt I'll be functioning or "normal" until my 40s. By then you're already basically out of any good years your life could have.

I don't know why I 'have' to live. Like everything is just reverse engineered to create that outcome even if it doesn't seem like the most rational option

I don't know what I can do. I don't know what's wrong with me. How can I even hold down a job if I can't even endure applying for one?

Does anyone have any advice? I need help

I'm depressed. Its never going away. I have wanted to not live since K-5.

So what, fight for a life of clawing at scraps like some disgusting animal? So I can look at the blurry outline of a life I can't see?

Like what is even the point in doing this? What is even the reward?

Life in of itself is not worth anything. It simply is. And I, just a simply, don't like it.

There is no other side. Depression never goes away. It goes into remission sometimes, but it always comes back. So, why even live a life of that quality? Just to do it? Because we're taught to and bullied into living because people need workers?

I hate this life and I'd trade it away for pocket change

There's no attainable future I want. I see all paths and choose none of them. None of this is worth it. Life is a bad deal, simple as. No amount of philosophizing, navel gazing, religious cope will change that

I had a sheltered, spoiled, doomscrollling dominated childhood to young adulthood. I have soft, weak body and a soft, weak, mind.

I just cannot do things. I cannot handle stress. Or set backs. Or exhausting tasks. Physical pain. Frustration.

I am brittle and destroyed by everything. I'm supposed to apply for jobs for 8 hours a day. I can hardly manage 30 minutes without feeling phsycially ill.

It makes me sick to think about. That I am this mentally and physically weak. I try to so hard to get better but I just can't.

Everything is too heavy. Too hard.

Is it all my Major Depressive disorder and ADHD? Surely thats just a convinent excuse. Meds make me feel better. They don't erase me being an incompetent, weak, overly sensitive, navel gazing bum with no volition and no endurance.

I hate that I have to applaud pathetic wins to move anywhere. "Good job walking 10k steps, cooking a meal, brushing your teeth and applying for jobs for 20 minutes. What a great effort!" Normal people can do it in their sleep. "But it builds up!" Does it? Or do I just become complacent? And when do I become functional? 30? 40?

I don't know what to do. I don't know what I CAN do.

I just want to be a functional adult. I'm a 23 year old boy. No one is coming to save me, but I feel like I can't break through the glass and save myself. I am overwhelmed, physically sick and constantly defeated.

Does anyone have any advice?

Just looking to play some locals and meet people. I prefer to play street fighter 6. Thank you!