I just discovered my birth giver, the main perpetrator of all my suffering, has been secretly apart of Opus Dei. Can someone explain in simpler terms to me, what are the “spiritual benefits” she benefited from Opus Dei? Like what was the point of her ruining our family?
I have learning disabilities and need clarity. Please be kind.
TW: Intrafamilial Child Torture, Ritual Abuse, ACSA, CSAM
Right now my hands are numb. I just had a flashback to a traumatic memory of CSA. My sociopathic sibling was one of my perpetrators. For reference, she is four years older than I am.
The flashback begins around 25-26 years ago. One day, my sisters friend came over to the house to play. She is also the same age as her. I remember wanting to play with both of them because I was lonely. They typically left me out a lot and bullied me. I decided I had a plastic box of Mattel Barbie horses from the 90s I wanted to play with, so I grabbed it and entered the room. The room from my memory was panoramic, similar to the Rugrats introduction theme prior to the show. The room was bright. The sunshine was reflecting off the bare, white walls. I turn to my left, and don’t understand what I am baring witness to. They are both sitting on the floor in front of the crt tv, with their legs up in the air, pants down, and my family dog is assaulting them. I asked them what they were doing in confusion. My sister responds to me and tells me “it feels good, you do it too”. I remember being repulsed by peanut butter. I have zero memory of what happened afterwards. I sense I have a repressed memory of being assaulted. I am scared of dogs. I won’t go near them.
There were other times where my sister would dominate herself on top of me, pinning me down, and exposing herself to me. Completely naked next to me, multiple times when we were little girls into our late teens. We shared the same bed for 19+ years. I am angry. Where the FUCK did she learn this from? How could this have happened.. 💔
Another memory I have is that I was chronically masturbating and bed wetting as young as 2-years old. (From my knowledge). I did it everywhere. In public. On the bus. In front of other kids. At school. My “parents” made a name for it and called it “stretchies”. I even tried kissing a boy on the school bus (5 y/o).
I am so mortified.
I feel relieved I have an answer of what I endured because I have always felt misunderstood due to this. No matter what I tried telling people growing up, child abuse just wasn’t a good enough explanation for me.
I endured CSA, COCASA/COCSA, torture, hoarding, religious brainwashing, neglect, etc. I am now an adult with late dx chronic pain, ocd/autism/adhd/cptsd etc. I sometimes don’t know how I survived.
Hello, I am new here and just looking for support. I don’t really know what I am looking to hear, but I guess I just need help understanding what is going on with me. My information here is going to be all over the place because of my fragile mind frame. I currently do not have a support system or a therapist, so please be kind to me.
I think something bad happened to me as a child. But in my early formative years. I have the feelings, I just can’t access anything specific in my brain. My brain does remind me of other less significant memories and my body speaks volumes for itself.
I began displaying symptoms of CSBD. I was masturbating as early as 3/4 years old. This was before the internet and cable were around in my house. I would do it everywhere, even in front of other children. I would be intimate with stuffed animals until I was nine years old around the same time I developed a porn addiction. I have no clue where this came from. I also would make my toys be intimate with one another.
As a young girl I remember my dad attempting to coerce my mother into sleeping with him in front of my sibling and I. He would always compare me to her as a child and call my mother a “dead fish lay” or that her genitalia smelled so he wouldn’t want to lay with her. Growing up he loved to make comments on my body about how sexy I was. He was always persistent with me sitting on his lap or giving kisses to him or other relatives when I did not want to. He would caress my body too. I have so many memories where he would tell me if I did not do something he wanted, that he was going to “touch it” aka grope my chest or behind. Which he did. My mother knew, and never did anything. I would always cover myself and hide my body from him. When I turned 11 until I turned 12, we would cuddle in his bed and he would spoon me. He would ask me for back massages and occasionally squeeze my breasts. I don’t know what else occurred so I will leave it here. I remember experiencing bed wetting and vaginal infections a few times as a child too. My sibling cut him off over a decade ago too expressing he did something to her.
From age 3+ I became very hyper sexual and started having sex at 13. I developed an eating disorder and body dysmorphia around 11-13. I ended up being SA many times and did not know it was at the time because this was so normalized. My parents emancipated me at 14 years old and they allowed me to date men who were 20 when I was 15. I was always looking to be sexual with a man and felt I had to in order to receive love.
For background context, my father has a paraphilic disorder and had it since early childhood too. I believe my mother does too. Her father was also a p3d0 who raped her and her sister when they were kids. Her mother didn’t protect her. I believe something happened to me, a lot worse than I can imagine and my mother knew but did nothing about it because she normalized what had happened to her as a child.
Recently I’ve been diagnosed with endometriosis, vaginusmus, post coital syndrome, cptsd, etc.
I am always in physical pain, all over my body. My pelvic floor region is dysfunctional, I cramp up down there despite how relaxed I am. I have become asexual. If I do engage in sexual activities or penetration with my partner, I slip into a deep depression by sobbing uncontrollably and laying in bed for hours to days on end. I despise my body. If I am ever touched or spooned by my partner, it makes me uncomfortable. If my father tries to hug me or show affection now as an adult, I move away. My partner has to be there with me because my body does not feel safe being alone with him. Right now I am in contact only due to the fact the economy is shit, I am disabled and receiving his “help” is my last option. I feel defeated.
Last week a follower on my social media account approached me wanting to be “friends”. They Love bombed me. I disclosed I was autistic and was excited to make a friend. I noticed the Energy wasnt being reciprocated & felt like a job interview. They would not respond for days, like my texts, watch my stories/posts, they knew it was my birthday when we spoke and I didn’t hear from them. After reconsidering the dynamic, I Blocked this person on my social media. Last night I received an unhinged, hostile text message from them claiming I was a “white freak” etc. Next came the cyber stalking from fake accts/sending their real life friends to look at my social media page under profile views. This morning I saw that this person recorded multiple videos about it running a smear campaign. I only spoke to them for 3 days last week. Why would someone behave like this if they rejected me first????