u/Automatic-Term-7450

Do you think parents would rather have a daughter who is dead than a daughter who has brought shame or dishonor to the family, especially in a family where all the other daughters are seen as respectable, well-behaved, and a source of pride?

I feel like I’m the disgrace of my family, like I’m the one daughter who ruined everything while everyone else turned out the way my parents wanted. I feel like I’ve become a source of shame and disappointment, and I can’t bear living with that anymore.

I feel like I want to put an end to all of this.

Je ne suis pas vraiment sûre de savoir pourquoi j’écris tout cela ici, mais j’ai besoin de parler de ce qui m’arrive parce que je n’ai plus l’impression de pouvoir porter tout cela seule.

Je suis une jeune adulte musulmane et, jusqu’à ma dernière année de médecine, j’avais toujours été une personne très attachée à ses principes, sérieuse, travailleuse et ambitieuse. J’étudie la médecine, j’ai toujours énormément travaillé et j’avais tellement de projets pour ma vie : partir vivre à l’étranger, construire une belle carrière, fonder une famille, prendre soin de moi et, tout simplement, profiter de ma vie. J’étais enfin devenue financièrement indépendante et j’avais l’impression que tant de choses m’attendaient encore.

Pendant ma dernière année, un garçon de ma promotion a commencé à se rapprocher de moi. Je lui avais pourtant clairement dit que j’avais l’intention de partir à l’étranger et que je ne me voyais absolument pas avec lui. Et je veux vraiment insister sur quelque chose, parce que c’est au cœur de mon regret : ce n’est pas simplement le fait d’avoir franchi certaines limites qui me détruit. C’est surtout le fait de les avoir franchies avec cette personne en particulier.

Nous venions réellement de deux mondes complètement différents. Il ne s’agit pas de prétendre que je suis « meilleure » que lui, mais objectivement, nous n’avions presque rien en commun : nous n’avions pas la même éducation, la même culture, les mêmes ambitions, les mêmes centres d’intérêt, les mêmes goûts musicaux, le même sens de l’humour, la même façon de communiquer, ni même la même manière de voir les choses. Il n’était pas particulièrement cultivé ni porté sur les études, et ce n’était pas quelqu’un avec qui je pouvais facilement m’exprimer. Je ne me voyais absolument pas construire un avenir avec lui. Je ne le voyais pas comme un potentiel mari, ni même comme quelqu’un avec qui j’aurais normalement envisagé d’avoir une relation sérieuse.

Si quelqu’un m’avait décrit cette situation avant qu’elle ne se produise, honnêtement, je ne pense pas que j’aurais cru qu’une personne comme moi puisse finir avec quelqu’un comme lui, précisément parce que cela allait complètement à l’encontre de mes choix habituels, de mes goûts, de mon éducation, de mes ambitions et du genre d’homme que j’avais toujours imaginé à mes côtés.

Pourtant, il a continué à insister pour que nous continuions à parler. J’ai laissé les choses évoluer progressivement et cela a fini par devenir une véritable spirale qui m’a conduite chez lui. Je lui ai donné accès à mon intimité : il n’y a pas eu de rapport sexuel, mais il y a eu des gestes sexuels et des limites que j’avais toujours eu l’intention de réserver au mariage.

Je regrette profondément ce que j’ai fait et je me suis repentie avec toute la sincérité et toute l’intensité dont j’étais capable. J’ai passé énormément de temps à demander pardon à Allah et à souhaiter de tout mon cœur pouvoir revenir en arrière et annuler cette décision. Ce n’est pas quelque chose que je prends à la légère, ni quelque chose dont je suis simplement « passée à autre chose » ; je porte un profond remords depuis.

Et c’est justement ce que je n’arrive pas à comprendre. Je n’étais même pas follement amoureuse de lui. Je n’avais pas l’impression d’avoir trouvé l’amour de ma vie. Je n’avais pas devant moi quelqu’un qui correspondait à mes aspirations. J’ai simplement commis cette erreur avec quelqu’un avec qui, avec le recul, je ne trouve absolument aucune logique ni aucune cohérence à avoir fait cela.

Plus tard, j’ai rencontré un autre homme qui me correspondait réellement sur tellement de plans — physiquement, mentalement, intellectuellement et au niveau de nos valeurs. Nous avons eu une relation sérieuse et nous avancions vers le mariage, mais malheureusement, cette relation s’est terminée. C’est après cette rupture que j’ai véritablement pris conscience de ce que j’avais fait avec le premier homme et, depuis, la manière dont je me vois a complètement changé.

J’ai l’impression de m’être dévalorisée, mais surtout, j’ai l’impression d’avoir donné une partie de mon intimité à la personne qui, selon ma propre perception, était précisément la dernière personne avec laquelle j’aurais pu imaginer faire cela. C’est cette contradiction qui me hante.

Si quelqu’un venait un jour à découvrir ce qui s’est passé, je pense que sa première réaction serait probablement de se demander comment j’ai bien pu finir avec lui, parce qu’en apparence, nous semblions n’avoir absolument rien à voir l’un avec l’autre. Et c’est exactement la question que je me pose moi aussi. Je n’arrive pas à réconcilier la personne que j’ai toujours été avec la décision que j’ai prise.

Même si je savais avec une certitude absolue que personne ne découvrirait jamais ce qui s’est passé, je pense que je souffrirais quand même, parce que le problème est devenu intérieur : je sais à qui j’ai donné accès à mon intimité et je sais à quel point cette personne était éloignée de ce que je voulais et de ce que j’avais imaginé pour moi-même. Cela a profondément changé l’image que j’ai de moi.

Et pourtant, je suis à un âge où je devrais être dans la fleur de l’âge : prendre soin de ma peau, de mon corps et de mon esprit, profiter de mon indépendance, développer ma carrière, sortir, voyager, faire des projets et construire mon avenir. Au lieu de cela, je me fais toute petite partout où je vais. J’ai honte de montrer ce que je sais, de parler de mes connaissances, de mettre mes compétences en avant ou même simplement de m’exprimer.

Je ne profite plus des repas en famille, des cafés, des sorties ou des moments qui sont censés être agréables ; même dans un bel endroit, je peux me retrouver complètement absorbée par cette histoire. Cette erreur m’a volé ma tranquillité d’esprit et mon sentiment de sérénité.

Elle a également commencé à avoir des conséquences très concrètes sur mon avenir : j’ai abandonné mon projet de passer le concours d’internat en médecine parce que l’idée de devoir le revoir, ou même simplement de me retrouver entourée de personnes de ma promotion, me terrifie.

Aujourd’hui, il me répugne profondément et, apparemment, de son côté, il espère toujours quelque chose ou s’imagine que nous pourrions nous remettre ensemble. Rien que cette pensée me donne la nausée et me dégoûte profondément.

J’ai récemment commencé à travailler, mais je n’arrive pas à me concentrer ni à profiter réellement de cette nouvelle étape de ma vie. Je suis constamment sur mes gardes et je me suis progressivement isolée. J’ai honte de regarder mes parents dans les yeux parce qu’ils m’ont toujours connue comme une fille sérieuse, ambitieuse et attachée à ses principes.

Je sais que j’ai fait un choix et je n’essaie pas de l’excuser. Je me suis repentie de tout mon cœur, mais je n’arrive toujours pas à comprendre comment j’ai pu prendre une décision aussi complètement déconnectée de la personne que je pensais être, et surtout, pourquoi je l’ai fait avec lui.

J’aimerais donc sincèrement entendre les témoignages de personnes qui ont vécu quelque chose de similaire : avoir commis une erreur qui allait profondément à l’encontre de leurs valeurs, s’en être sincèrement repenties par la suite, avec quelqu’un dont elles-mêmes ne comprennent pas comment elles ont pu finir là, puis avoir été tellement submergées par la honte et le regret que cela a commencé à affecter leur vie, leur avenir et leur perception d’elles-mêmes.

Est-ce qu’on peut réellement retrouver un jour une vie normale — la paix intérieure et la capacité de profiter à nouveau de la vie ? Comment avez-vous réussi à dépasser la honte et à continuer d’avancer sans permettre à cette histoire de devenir toute votre identité ?

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this here, but I need to talk about what has been happening to me because I don’t feel like I can carry all of this alone anymore. I’m muslimah young adult, and until my final year of medical school, I had always been a very principled, serious, hardworking, and ambitious person. I study medicine, I have always worked extremely hard, and I had so many plans for my life: moving abroad, building a great career, having a family, taking care of myself, and actually enjoying my life. I had finally become financially independent, and I felt like I had so much ahead of me.

During my final year, a guy from my class started approaching me. I had actually told him that I planned to move abroad and that I absolutely did not see myself with him. And I really want to emphasize something, because this is at the heart of my regret: it isn’t simply the fact that I crossed certain boundaries that is destroying me. It is, above all, the fact that I crossed them with this specific person.

We genuinely came from two completely different worlds. This isn’t about claiming that I am “better” than him, but objectively, we had almost nothing in common: we didn’t have the same upbringing, the same culture, the same ambitions, the same interests, the same taste in music, the same sense of humor, the same way of communicating, or even the same way of seeing things. He wasn’t particularly cultured or academically driven, and he wasn’t someone I could express myself easily with. I absolutely did not see myself building a future with him. I didn’t see him as a potential husband, or even as someone I would normally have considered having a serious relationship with.

If someone had described this situation to me before it happened, I honestly don’t think I would have believed that someone like me could end up with someone like him, precisely because it went completely against my usual choices, my tastes, my upbringing, my ambitions, and the kind of man I had always imagined beside me.

Yet he kept insisting that we continue talking, I allowed things to develop gradually, and it eventually became a downward spiral that led me to his place. I gave him access to my intimacy: there was no intercourse, but there were sexual things and boundaries that I had always intended to reserve for marriage.

I deeply regret what I did, and I repented from it as sincerely and intensely as I possibly could. I have spent a great deal of time asking Allah for forgiveness and wishing with all my heart that I could undo that decision. This is not something I take lightly or something I have simply moved on from; I have been carrying profound remorse over it.

And that is what I cannot understand. I wasn’t even madly in love with him. I didn’t feel like I had found the love of my life. I didn’t have someone in front of me who matched my aspirations. I simply made this mistake with someone with whom, looking back, I cannot find any sense or coherence at all.

Later, I met another man who genuinely matched me on so many levels—physically, mentally, intellectually, and in terms of our values. We had a serious relationship and were moving toward marriage, but unfortunately, that relationship ended. It was after that breakup that I truly realized what I had done with the first man, and since then, the way I see myself has completely changed.

I feel like I cheapened myself, but above all, I feel like I gave a part of my intimacy to the person who, in my own perception, was precisely the last person I could ever have imagined doing this with. That discrepancy is what haunts me.

If someone ever found out about this, I think their first reaction would probably be to wonder how I could possibly have ended up with him, because on the surface, we seemed to have absolutely nothing to do with each other. And that is exactly what I ask myself too. I cannot reconcile the person I have always been with the decision I made.

Even if I knew with absolute certainty that no one would ever find out what happened, I think I would still suffer, because the problem has become internal: I know who I gave access to my intimacy, and I know how far that person was from what I wanted and from what I had imagined for myself. It has deeply changed my self-esteem.

And yet I am at an age when I should be in the prime of my life: taking care of my skin, my body, and my mind, enjoying my independence, developing my career, going out, traveling, making plans, and building my future. Instead, I make myself small everywhere I go. I am ashamed to show what I know, to talk about my knowledge, to highlight my abilities, or even simply to express myself.

I no longer enjoy family meals, going to cafés, going out, or moments that are supposed to be pleasant; even in a beautiful place, I can become completely consumed by this story. This mistake has stolen my peace of mind and my sense of tranquility.

It has also started having very concrete consequences for my future: I gave up on my plan to take the medical specialty entrance exam because the thought of having to see him again, or even simply being around people from my class, terrifies me.

I am now deeply repulsed by him, and apparently, on his side, he still hopes for something or imagines that we could get back together. Just the thought of that makes me nauseous and disgusts me deeply.

I recently started working, but I cannot concentrate or genuinely enjoy this new stage of my life. I am constantly on edge and I have gradually isolated myself. I feel ashamed to look my parents in the eyes because they have always known me as a serious, ambitious, and principled daughter.

I know that I made a choice and I am not trying to excuse it. I have repented from it with everything I have, but I still cannot understand how I could have made a decision so completely disconnected from the person I thought I was, and above all, why I did it with him.

So I would genuinely like to hear from people who have experienced something similar: making a mistake that went deeply against their values, sincerely repenting afterward, with someone they themselves cannot understand how they ever ended up with, and then becoming so overwhelmed by shame and regret that it starts affecting their life, their future, and their sense of self.

Can you actually get back to a normal life one day—to peace of mind and the ability to enjoy life again? How did you manage to move past the shame and keep going without allowing that one story to become your entire identity?

I’m not really sure why I’m writing this here, but I need to talk about what has been happening to me because I don’t feel like I can carry all of this alone anymore. I’m a young adult muslimah and until my final year of medical school, I had always been a very principled, serious, hardworking, and ambitious person. I study medicine, I have always worked extremely hard, and I had so many plans for my life: moving abroad, building a great career, having a family, taking care of myself, and actually enjoying my life. I had finally become financially independent, and I felt like I had so much ahead of me. During my final year, a guy from my class started approaching me. I had actually told him that I planned to move abroad and that I absolutely did not see myself with him. And I really want to emphasize something, because this is at the heart of my regret: it isn’t simply the fact that I crossed certain boundaries that is destroying me. It is, above all, the fact that I crossed them with this specific person. We genuinely came from two completely different worlds. This isn’t about claiming that I am “better” than him, but objectively, we had almost nothing in common: we didn’t have the same upbringing, the same culture, the same ambitions, the same interests, the same taste in music, the same sense of humor, the same way of communicating, or even the same way of seeing things. He wasn’t particularly cultured or academically driven, and he wasn’t someone I could express myself easily with. I absolutely did not see myself building a future with him. I didn’t see him as a potential husband, or even as someone I would normally have considered having a serious relationship with. If someone had described this situation to me before it happened, I honestly don’t think I would have believed that someone like me could end up with someone like him, precisely because it went completely against my usual choices, my tastes, my upbringing, my ambitions, and the kind of man I had always imagined beside me. Yet he kept insisting that we continue talking, I allowed things to develop gradually, and it eventually became a downward spiral that led me to his place. I gave him access to my intimacy: there was no intercourse, but there were sexual things and boundaries that I had always intended to reserve for marriage. I deeply regret what I did, and I repented from it as sincerely and intensely as I possibly could. I have spent a great deal of time asking God for forgiveness and wishing with all my heart that I could undo that decision. This is not something I take lightly or something I have simply moved on from; I have been carrying profound remorse over it. And that is what I cannot understand. I wasn’t even madly in love with him. I didn’t feel like I had found the love of my life. I didn’t have someone in front of me who matched my aspirations. I simply made this mistake with someone with whom, looking back, I cannot find any sense or coherence at all. Later, I met another man who genuinely matched me on so many levels—physically, mentally, intellectually, and in terms of our values. We had a serious relationship and were moving toward marriage, but unfortunately, that relationship ended. It was after that breakup that I truly realized what I had done with the first man, and since then, the way I see myself has completely changed. I feel like I cheapened myself, but above all, I feel like I gave a part of my intimacy to the person who, in my own perception, was precisely the last person I could ever have imagined doing this with. That discrepancy is what haunts me. If someone ever found out about this, I think their first reaction would probably be to wonder how I could possibly have ended up with him, because on the surface, we seemed to have absolutely nothing to do with each other. And that is exactly what I ask myself too. I cannot reconcile the person I have always been with the decision I made. Even if I knew with absolute certainty that no one would ever find out what happened, I think I would still suffer, because the problem has become internal: I know who I gave access to my intimacy, and I know how far that person was from what I wanted and from what I had imagined for myself. It has deeply changed my self-esteem. And yet I am at an age when I should be in the prime of my life: taking care of my skin, my body, and my mind, enjoying my independence, developing my career, going out, traveling, making plans, and building my future. Instead, I make myself small everywhere I go. I am ashamed to show what I know, to talk about my knowledge, to highlight my abilities, or even simply to express myself. I no longer enjoy family meals, going to cafés, going out, or moments that are supposed to be pleasant; even in a beautiful place, I can become completely consumed by this story. This mistake has stolen my peace of mind and my sense of tranquility. It has also started having very concrete consequences for my future: I gave up on my plan to take the medical specialty entrance exam because the thought of having to see him again, or even simply being around people from my class, terrifies me. I am now deeply repulsed by him, and apparently, on his side, he still hopes for something or imagines that we could get back together. Just the thought of that makes me nauseous and disgusts me deeply. I recently started working, but I cannot concentrate or genuinely enjoy this new stage of my life. I am constantly on edge and I have gradually isolated myself. I feel ashamed to look my parents in the eyes because they have always known me as a serious, ambitious, and principled daughter. I know that I made a choice and I am not trying to excuse it. I have repented from it with everything I have, but I still cannot understand how I could have made a decision so completely disconnected from the person I thought I was, and above all, why I did it with him. So I would genuinely like to hear from people who have experienced something similar: making a mistake that went deeply against their values, sincerely repenting afterward, with someone they themselves cannot understand how they ever ended up with, and then becoming so overwhelmed by shame and regret that it starts affecting their life, their future, and their sense of self. Can you actually get back to a normal life one day—to peace of mind and the ability to enjoy life again? How did you manage to move past the shame and keep going without allowing that one story to become your entire identity?