u/Ayamiyari

aoa! i need advice from students already currently studying in china

im currently in second year (12), CS, from sindh board, which already lowers my chance of getting accepted expedientially lol but i still want to be hopeful

my situation is really dire. i need to get out of pakistan as soon as i possibly can through a scholarship, id accept any university if it means ill be in china, im really desperate!

My matric results were really not the best. my first year results are gonna be out soon (tho expecting around 80%), and now im starting classes for 12th currently.

im not the best at studying but im willing to do anything and try my hardest to make sure i reach the requirements for enrollment in a chinese university (ideally a funded scholarship) but ive been told im being unrealistic, especially bc i have a huge sindh board thappa behind me :(

is there a possibility i can get accepted in a mid-low ranking Chinese university with a funded scholarship with sindh board? and what kind of certificates do i need to collect to better my chance of acceptance? or does me being a sindh board student already ruin my chances of getting accepted?

thank you in advance!

TW!!!! child abuse!!!!!!!!!! although no genitalia involved, mentions of unconsent with a minor.

I don't really know how to word this because this is the first time I've ever put these experiences into words, other than telling one online friend mildly aboht the abuse i faced. I'm writing this because I want to understand whether what I experienced could be considered sexual abuse or not. apologies my thoughts are very nonlinear, so I'm going to try to explain everything chronologically!!

The physical abuse

My older brother started physically abusing me when I was around 7 years old. He was 18 at the time. The abuse continued until I was around 14-15

it started with him slapping me whenever I talked back. eventually it escalated to locking me in rooms and kicking me until I wet myself. I was beaten over the smallest things. after a while I became desensitized because I realized it didn't matter what I did and I was going to get hit anyway.

when hitting me stopped making me submit, he started controlling me through threats instead. he threatened to lock me up, stop me from seeing my friends, take away my phone, deny me food, or kick me out of the house. for a long time losing my phone terrified me because it was my only connection to my online friends. I wasn't allowed to leave the house (partly because I'm from a muslim south asian family) because he was afraid I'd run away or tell someone what he was doing and it would create a scene

eventually even those threats stopped working. I completely gave up fighting back. I remember limping after being beaten. I stopped asking for food because i just couldnt continue living anymore I became so emotionally numb that I'd tell him to hit me already. looking back now I think that was when he began developing some degree of empathy. once I stopped resisting, he gradually became less controlling and hit me less often, although the physical abuse still continued until I was around 15.

now the part im not sure how to describe

after almost every time he hit me, he would suddenly become affectionate. he would buy me donuts because he felt bad, then come into my room without warning, wrap me in an extremely tight hug that I couldn't escape, and aggressively kiss my face over and over again. He was between 18 and 23 years old during this period, while I was between 8 and 14 (i honestly can't recall when he started being violently affectionate). because of the size and age difference, I couldn't get away from him. and i was also constnatly guilt tripped and told that I'm being ungrateful for rejecting his affection because it was better than when he used to hit me. and how this is much better than getting hit.

I never understood why he did it. like one moment he'd be pulling my hair out or beating me to a pulp, and the next he'd be holding me down and kissing my face for what felt like forever. My face would be completely wet afterward. I don't think i can ever description how disgusting i felt at the moment he was doing this, i felt so helpless and useless and violated

after a year of this I told my mom that he cuddled me in ways that made me uncomfortable and that he kissed me very aggressively. she seemingly dismissed it by saying that's just how siblings show love.. and now that im currently not being abused, I'm certain it definitely wasn't. That isn't how healthy siblings express affection, especially when it's forced onto a child who can't escape and definitely doesnt want it.

there was another incident that has always stayed with me. when I was around 6 to 8 years old, he used to play a game called "escape the lion." He would hold himself in a plank position while I crawled underneath him in circles and I'd be trying not to get caught. every time he caught me he'd grab me aggressively and refuse to let me go until I cried and begged my mom to pull me out from underneath him.

how it has affected me physically and mentally

I've hated him for as long as I can remember. he isolated me, controlled me, abused me, and completely distorted my understanding of love and comfort. the physical bruising from him kicking my back and stomach are still present. me refusing being kissed and just being touched by a man in general puts me back into the vulnerable situation i was in a few years ago.. now he says he behaved that way because he was immature, but its not like he was a child... he literally an adult. he was between 18 and 23 years old throughout the abuse

anf the hardest part for me is trying to recognize if i was actually SA'd or not. and the constant switch between hurting me and comforting me afterward. I don't know how to process someone ripping my hair out one moment, then forcing hugs and kisses onto me the next while acting like it was completely normal

even now, whenever I see him, I get this overwhelming feeling of disgust. I can't separate the person he is today from the person who forced himself onto me after abusing me

my current situation

this is really complicated because. he's genuinely kind to me now..

in many ways, he's been more present than my father. he's a significant part of my life so it's not realistic for me to simply remove him from it. as long as he's around i'm constantly reminded of everything he did to me and every icky disgusting feeling resurfaces and makes me feel sick.

its like almost overnight after abusing me for nearly a goddamn DECADE he started treating me like a normal person. and now he ridicules me for being hostile toward him or refusing to let him get close to me..

honestly I feel guilty because it seems like he's trying to make up for what he did. but I don't believe you can undo years of abusing a child especially one who wasn't even in double digits for much of it.. no matter how much he's changed I just. can't. stop seeing him as the man who beat me and then violently forced affection onto me as if that somehow erased what he'd just done..

and also there's another reason these memories are constantly brought back... he has a habit of keeping his hand inside his pants almost all the time literally 24/7 it doesn't matter whether he's in his own room his sisters room or his mother's room. he does it constantly and seems completely unaware of how inappropriate and uncomfortable it is. and literally NO ONE calls him out for it nor does anyone point it out its like everyone has just. ACCEPTED this is normal in a house with 5 other family members. and maybe that behavior wouldn't affect someone else the way it affects me but because of everything he did growing up, it makes my skin CRAWL. literally EVERY time I see it I'm reminded of how little he respected my physical boundaries as a child. and how he got away with it and had the chance to improve and get better and had the privilege to forget about it. while im still stuck mentally in the same cage he put me in.

i just don't know if this is the right sub for this or not. or whether what I experienced would be considered SA, another form of abusive boundary violation, or something else entirely, im trying to navigate my childhood and address it once and for all and this has been bugging me for quite a bit now. what I do know is that it left me feeling trapped violated confused and unable to experience his affection as anything other than another extension of the abuse

i need suggestions ASAP, i was literally ready to go biy the xiaomi pad 7 only to find out its not available in any major mi stores in karachi, basically every xiaomi pad except redmi pad 2 is unavailable. im absolutely shattered cus i had so many plans to game this summer, i got the money ready around 1lakh 30k is budget, anyone please recommend me good gaming tablets that are available in karachi dabba pack help

theres no aim to this post except to get it off my chest, aslso i rhink I'm dangerously close to cutting off my closest friend ive ever made because of a small thing (well not really small to me) and i dont know if its right or not, i dont care if it is or not in this moment i just want hwr out of my life.

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i have really bad issues wity my dad because of how shit he was while i was growing up and how he was never home for us to mend our relationship, he doesn't even look my way when he speaks to me, asks my mom to deliver his message to me because thats how much he wants to avoid me. this man genuinely does not think of me as a daughter im fully convinced now. the contrast between how my brothers are treatwd to how im treatwd by him is scary even when i wantcto believe he cares for me. im so done trying to see the good in him. everytime i develop some sense of connection with him he rips that idea off my head and leaves me feeling stupid for thinking he still considers me a daughter.

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im from a seclusive conservative asian family where women dont have much power and kids are obligated to be under their parents till adulthood. lots of power dynamics between my mom and my dad. so growing up my dad always bought my brothers stuff like ps4 xbox psp 3 cars iphones tvs pc laptop anything they asked for they got it eventually except me, i asked for a tab once which i had to start a ww2 just to get with my own money but he just wouldnt allpw me to get it. its like hw wants me to depend on him but also not spend his money but i have my needs too. just the fact that i have to figut for what my brothers got without effort and, with love is what makes me feel absolute shit. unfortunately mentally im still a child awaiting his approval like how my brotherw got it, except im i have to fight for it, im still fighting but today i realized he'll never see me as an equal to my brothers, ill never feel the love of a parent from him, ill always be the angry closed off daughter who talks back to him and never someone he'd go out of his way to care for. im usually independent and i can survive without having supportive dad but i crumble when i make eyecontact with him, it takes one word of disapproval from him to ruin my selr worth and now suddenly im 9 again begging my dad to love me and care for me. i cant stop crying i feel like a child i just wish i wouldnt have to fight to be loved for once and this affects my relationships too. i for some reason cannot accept people telling me they love me without me doing something to make them love me if thwt makes sense, why am i so helpless ans why does the course of my life depend on someone who wouldnt even look back if something happened to me. ive locked myself away for 12 hours and cried myself to sleep. im severely isolated from everyone andci feel like im digging my own grave cus the more im alone wity my thoughts the moew im prone to feeling vulnerable

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the other thing is that i was crying and i told my friend ahout it, she couldnt seem to give a flying toe nail about my situation, she knows of my problems with my father and how INSANELY it affects me but she puts in no effort when im hurting, instead i have to look out for HER feeling hurt because of me ranting about my dad. i know her life is going great and i shouldnt pull her down by my bs but she literally told me to sthu and said "ok ill leave u alone ig" because i said i might end up saying alot on this topic cus or the extent it affects me. ive been there for this woman almost the entirety of the friendship, i always chose her over others and I listened thoroughly and deeply and provided advice or just a different perspective. i was therw for her at all times but she struggles to be there for me for basically 4/9 times im vulnerable with her, because i usually isolate and distance with everything when im hurt but this time i told her about it and that's how she reacted, how am i supposed to feel? i cant make her care more for me afterall. i just keep heing disappointed by her lack of reciprocating. been proven she doesnt care as much many times but i still held on for 5 years and all of those loose ends and built up retention is catching up, on top of that my anger i just cant help it. i want to cut her off and i dont wanna face rejection upon me being vulnerable again, im done being the bigger person for now

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rhats most of it i think this is just a rant sorry for the messy non linear thought process im an absolute mess

I used to think it's only a one time thing, once I lose the weight I'll just stop !!! It's in my control and I know what I'm doing!! GIRL NO because guess what. That snowballed into me cycling between an*rexia and b*limia who would've thought! Before I realized I got addicted to st*rving myself and watching the number go down on the scale. As soon as I'd reach my "goal" I'd find a new one and it just wasn't ever enough for me. I used to fast on WEEKS. Per end. 7 days without food just water and vitamins (at a certain point gave up vits too, couldn't be bothered) kept this up for like 4vmonths continuous week fasts back to back wity a binge on weekdays (which I tried to throw up too). I was so blinded by it that i thought I didn't deserve to eat if I didn't st*rve for at least 3 days

well no shit my actions have consequences!

Lost my period for 6 months (already lost it prior to week fasting cus I was disordered before too) and started noticing weird achig pain on the right upper side of my abdomen, but I put it past cus I usually always have some kind of chronic stomach pain.. started thr*wing up weird yellow bitter liquid and legit lost my ability to eat.. till I finally went to the doctor for an ultrasound and found out I had a PINGPONG sized stone in my gallbladder (gallbladder stones take years to develop, but can develop in under weeks if u lose weight rapidly or don't eat). I legit could never picture myself getting AN ORGAN removed at such a young age. The nurses pittied me because I was "too young" compared to their other gallbladder removal patients

Think that was the moment I finally snapped out of it to realize I have to actually live and try instead of st*rving myself to death cus this shit cost everything of me, one of the worst pains I've felt, used to be up till 3 am I couldn't sleep because it was just too intense!!

Now fast forward 6 months later, I'm in recovery! <3 (kind of..) with a grape sized scar on my belly as a constant reminder of my addiction to st*rving, tomorrow I have to go for a half year checkup of my scar and I got reminded of my past bullfuckery and thought I'd share it here to get it off my chest 🫶 so yeah st*rving urself does have consequences!!!

Does anyone else feel intensely aimless/without a goal after completely flipping your life over to attain something, and once it's over you forget about everything else you enjoyed?

So recently I had my finals and I was never interested in studying but this time I was serious and in a matter of seconds I centered my entire life around studying, 12hours a day, felt empty and useless and a void in my chest when I wasn't studying.

Close to the exams, I suddenly just didn't care at all now. Like the thrill was over and I just discarded all my progress I don't know why, I threw away all my efforts and I didn't feel anything. After 2 months of studying I just disregarded it.

And now my exams are over and I still feel nothing, i had many hobbies and things I was interested in before this manic obsession over studying but now I can't even recall the multiple hobbies I collected to fill the void.

Is this a valid experience? Does anyone else feel the raging urge to flip ur life over and devote ur entire personality to one single thing for months and then disregard it like it never happened? And feel nothing about it?

Btw I'm new here! Sorry about the rambling