u/Background-Tip-6545

This is basically a vent post so skip if you want.

I’ve never had a close relationship with my mother throughout my entire life, But now I’m slowly watching her cognitive decline get worse and worse and I’m terrified. Mind you, I’m in my early 20s and my mother is in her 70s.

I cannot stand to be around her and I want to avoid her at all costs. I’m terrified to watch her go through this and all I can think of is how this is never going to get better and it’s only going to get worse. I can’t help but think of how the rest of my life when it comes to her is just going to be filled with grief, fear, anger and anxiety.

I thought that when I would get older maybe I could have a normal family. Now I just avoid everything that’s happening because I’m too young to deal with this.

Last year I went to ED treatment (PHP/IOP) and my treatment therapist was phenomenal. I got heavily attached to her and she knew about my BPD. I couldn’t see it at this time but she was the best therapist that I have ever worked with. Truly! She was tough AF and a very no BS therapist.

Flash forward to now. Almost a year since I met her. I’ve left my old outpatient therapist a few months after I discharged from treatment, got a new therapist and now this new one has made me realize… Every single therapist will always compete with my old treatment therapist and not matter what they will always lose because of how high my old treatment therapist set the bar for a therapist.

I’ve also come to realize… I want her and only her. All other therapists will never match up to her skills and ways as a therapist. Never reach the bar she set. I don’t want any other therapist. I want her.

Chose to relapse, said that this was last and final time I was putting myself through this. There was no recovery ever again.

It hasn’t even been a week and I’m already asking myself “what tf am I doing?” I’m already tired of my own bullshit. Already fighting with myself, going back and forth on my ED choices.

I hate recovery. I hate relapsing. Can I just… vanish pls?