u/Baconator_Strips

I(27M) have BPD and ive been struggling with romantic relationships and what do I want with my life for years. I have a job and a degree but it doesn't satifies me as I wish it would. I sometimes do poetry but I don't have the energy to do poetry anymore. Nothing motivates me and I hate it.

Last monday I broke up with my gf(30F) through the phone because I wasn't sure of the relationship and didn't wanted to hurt her with my indecisive actions of getting back together or not (we broke up once because of a lot of reasons), and that hurt her a lot.

Yesterday i went to pick a few things at her apartment and she wanted to vent everything she felt. She attacked the situation but also me. She said I was not a good person and if it think i am, I'm not really. That i only think of myself everytime and i have a narcissistic mindset. That is better that i stay alone forever and live with my parents until they die. That im just a guy from the masses and nothing else. That she was dumb and stupid enough to fall for me and she is mad for that. That i can't experience love, nor compassion or empathy because of what i did to her. And that she is struggling with her health conditions (she has cancer) and somehow im sad. Basically telling me I don't have any reason to be sad because her life is way worse than mine. That if i keep doing these things of not being sure of what i want i will end up crazy and fucking people up, just like i did to her. That im so insecure that I don't know what i want in life and i don't know what i want tomorrow, not like her that she is extremely secure.

She also said that i will never find someone like her and her son, and that she doesn't wish me bad, but reassured me it will never happen.

And she said much and much more. Honestly because of how frail and weak minded i feel, i believe every single word she said. I'm trying to forgive myself or to wrap my head around it but i just feel that nothing will change. That Im exactly what she says i am. She is autistic and she thinks logically and rationally and with that makes me feel sure she is saying the truth. I'm trying to hold myself together but i feel so lost that I don't know what i think. I ruined her with my shitty behavior and my shitty decisions and now i question every action and thought i have. Im not sure of anything anymore.

I've seen that in the last relationships I've been I act based on impulsive emotions rather than acting rationally. I remember I broke up with my gf because I told her I wasn't ready for a relationship, but afterwards i wouldn't stop thinking about her and wanting to be with her. I was mourning the relationship and I felt that Im afraid to be alone. In addition to that, my anxiety, my desperatation kicks in so high that I can't think straight. I feel im going to explode and i start crying and crying with an impulsive building inside saying: "you need to get back to her because you love her and you are ready, you want this, you can get through it". And when i take the decision to get back, I immediately feel doubt and regret. I hate feeling like that. I don't like having these emotions out of nowhere and then nothing.

We have been a couple for 2 months and dating for a month. She told me 2 days ago that because of her health conditions she needs to go back to the US in 6-12 months and live there again and asked me if i wanted to go with her(im also a usa citizen). She asked me what's stopping me from moving, and I told her my friends, family, etc. And she basically said that it seems I'm not ready for a relationship and know where my priorities lie.

I told her im not ready for a relationship, but in reality im not sure tbh. We have talked for a few these days and I just miss her so much and want to do so much stuff with her, but im not sure if im in love with her or is just something else. She in a way threw me a hint that she wants to try again, but im scared that if i try again i would want to get out of the relationship. We didn't end in bad terms but is hurting me so much because i cant stop thinking about her. I have BPD and i usually take decisions based on impulse or emotions and not rational logical thinking. I need to see her today because she has my switch and i have some of her belongings and idk what to tell her.

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How can I take a rational decision before seeing her?

I still live with my parents and I'm an only child. My parents have always overprotected me throughout all my life and it has made me feel depressed, anxious, insecure of my choices and always feeling some kind of guilt at the end of the day. I understand my parents are trying their best to protect me and love me and I'm grateful for that, but this time my mom said something that just enraged me and made me feel like shit.

On Mother's day I told her I was going to spend it with my gf who's also a mom in her grandparents house. For the first time in my 27 years, i decided to spend mother's day with someone else and I remember she didn't like it, but agreed to it anyways. Today, im going to spend the weekend with my gf because she lives an hour away, something ive done for a while and also something my parents don't agree much at all.

Mom had a sad face when i was about to leave and she said: "On Mother's day you decided to spent with someone you Barely know (me and my gf know each other for like 4-5 months but been in a relationship for a month), and you disregarded me and look down on me. That's something you never do to a Mother, never. But anyways dont get mad at me, just to let you know".

Then we started arguing because i shared my netflix account with my gf, a netflix that im paying for. She kept saying i don't know my gf enough or her past (I know my gf past), and that something bad will happen.

Then she texted me this when i leave: "I love you with my life my dear son, its your life and you decide if you want to destroy it or not. I can't do anything else for you. And don't tell me I haven't cut the umbilical cord. I did it, is that you use it for your own benefit. You can only destroy it or reconstruct it honey. I will always love you if you allow me but apparently is time, right?. Take care of yourself and God bless you".

I don't even know how to feel right now

My girlfriend and I started a relationship a month ago. She is a mother of a 9-year-old, and before we started dating, she warned me about it. I felt weird at first, but surprisingly, I fell in love with the kid and feel relaxed when he is around. My gf told me that she almost died having him, and years later, she got surgery to not have children anymore. Also, she has endometrosis and PMOS, so her chance of having a baby is pretty unlikely. But she told me she hasn't had her period in almost 2 months already, and she is worried she might be pregnant.

She asked me how I feel about her being pregnant, and I felt scared and panicked, and told her that I don't want children of my own. And I asked her if it came to that, if she would want an abortion, and she said no, and felt hurt by the way I said it. She told me that it doesnt make sense that I don't want kids when she already has one 24/7, and I didn't know how to respond to that. I just don't want kids, and I'm fine being a step-father in the future.

I feel bad because the way I asked her, and the timing, was horrible, and I feel guilty because I hurt her. We were on the phone, and my mind just went blank, and she was waiting for me to say something, but I felt overwhelmed and didn't know what to say.