u/Bamburguesa

Husband doesn’t use Reddit, but also might end up showing him this post bc he cannot understand the emotional fallout of his actions, so not bothering with a throwaway.

I am home w 2 kids (3 & 9) in summer (F, 42, teacher), and my (M, 42) husband has an erratic work schedule including nights and most weekends. I try my best to help the kids understand his upcoming schedule so they can plan when they’ll spend time with him in their heads.

We have a tiny yard, and a 10ft across, 2.5 ft deep above ground, unheated pool (with a filter, bc otherwise EWWWW) in the backyard in partial shade (outside NYC). It’s tiny, but it’s the highlight of the summer, and the kids are in it every day. It’s our 3rd year with this set up, and I occasionally join them too (I was in yesterday).

In the years past my husband has refused to go in for an entire summer, and I think once gone in but just stood in the water, getting annoyed when he was splashed or got wet, and I think ONCE actually put his whole body in the water.

He worked close to home this morning, and had some time before his regular job started later, so while the kids were in the pool he texted saying he was 10 minutes out [see text msgs].

He snuck out the back door while 3 yo was facing away and 9 yo had her head under the water. Their faces when they saw him IN HIS BATHING SUIT were nothing short of joyous. 9 yo kept jumping up and down like a kid on Christmas morning. He gets in the water… and stands there. This was not like previous times where he was cajoled into getting in… he put up no resistance in our text exchange. I thought he was just getting used to the water, or taking a second before lowering his body in… but no. It soon became clear that he was just planning on standing there, up to his knees. Eventually when he refused to reconsider I just told him to get out, it’s a small pool and don’t take up space if you’re not participating in it.

Kids got out shortly after, and 9 year old came over where I was watering the tomatoes out of sight of dad and burst into tears.

Their dad has made it clear he thinks he has done nothing wrong. He is a black and white thinker and when the kids tried to talk to him about it in tears he just stood their stoically, repeating that the pool was cold so he didn’t want to go in.

He can’t seem to do things for them that require the tiniest temporary sacrifice. IE: 9 year old finds a candy he likes in her Halloween candy and gives it to him. He doesn’t want it right then, and then proceeds to NEVER want it. We’re talking a fun size bag of peanut m&ms. 9 year old asks him every time he’s home for two weeks, and he snappily just says he’s not in the mood for it. But this is a guy who does not have good eating habits or self control. I think it’s more about refusing something that he feels is being pushed on him and asserting his control than it is about not wanting the m&ms. 9 year old feels crushing disappointment that she’s never good enough for him, and he just doesn’t care about it. His needs come first.

So Reddit, AITAH for sticking by my kids and saying to their dad that standing in the pool and not playing was WORSE than just not going in the pool at all? I feel like when I type this out it seems so clear to me that he’s TA, but he sees it a completely different way and it’s making me question myself. Last 2 texts are from tonight, when he called from work and I told him she was still upset about what happened earlier. Then he texted me those two.

My daughters put our fairy door up against the big elm tree in our curb strip last year. I sadly assumed someone might take it, as we have a lot of local foot traffic in our residential neighborhood, living near the ice cream place and a local restaurant.

I have been proven wrong by kids and adults alike! So many people stop and check the fairy door, and it brings joy and sparks so many conversations and so much imagination!

The hinges finally gave way, so I surprised my daughters yesterday with a new fairy door with an acorn lamp and window! School ends this week and summer will include making a whole tiny fairy world in this shady elm tree corner.