u/Beautiful-Yoghurt-11

Hi everyone.

First, I will post a tribute to my baby girl in the coming days. Today is my 10th day without her and I just haven’t had the will to sit down and write my tribute and social posts yet. I plan to, and I want to honor her, but it’s something I’ve always dreaded doing.

Right now, though, I am struggling so hard with my decision to put her to sleep and the afterlife care I chose (cremation).

First, she was a beautiful tabby Abyssinian mix who was 16 years old. She had oral squamous cell carcinoma in her upper jaw/neck area. The vet did a procedure just after I found it, in May, where she obtained cells from it with a needle. She was unable to determine at that time that it was SCC. She could not take a biopsy without breaking her jaw, so she didn’t. We didn’t know what the lump was, but tried a couple of antibiotics in case it was an infection of some sort. In the time between May and August 7, the day I had to let her go, she continued to eat and snuggle and be mostly herself, though I could tell she didn’t feel great, either.

In that time, I can’t help but wonder why I didn’t seek more second opinions or try to find cancer trials even though we didn’t know it was cancer yet. I trust my vet very much and she always took excellent care of Phoebe, but I didn’t get a second opinion until the very end. I’ll regret that decision forever, even though my vet said radiation at her age would have been extremely hard on her. She was pretty spry until the end, so I just wonder if she could have handled it. She was eating until the end, but especially the last week (after another procedure where the vet removed her teeth on the tumor side, which allowed her to remove a piece of it and confirm it was cancer) and especially after the last procedure she was clearly in pain when she ate. That, and both vets’ recommendations that euthanasia was the best choice, is what led me to make the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

And as for the decision to put her to sleep and get her cremated. First, I didn’t ask for an extra minute to say goodbye to her. I don’t know why I didn’t. It all happened so fast. Of course in the days leading up to it I took time from work and I held her and talked to her a lot. But that morning I just can’t help but regret not asking for one more minute with her. I held her throughout the process but I was a total mess. I was just crying and spilling it all out to her: that I loved her. That I was so sorry. That she put up with me all these years. That she taught me so much. That I wanted to take her pain from her and make it mine. I was sobbing and almost hyperventilating while saying it all. I wish I had remained more calm for her. People say their pet’s passing was peaceful and even though hers was here at home with me, I felt that it was not peaceful because of my condition at that moment. I just couldn’t help it. It came over me and I was overwhelmed by it being our last moments together.

And the cremation. Why did I do that? Why did I send her off to get cremated when I have a perfectly good backyard I could have buried her in? She never liked going outside because I had lived in apartments up until a few months ago when I bought my first house, so she never got used to going outside. When I would bring her outside she would tremble and cling to me. I thought I should not bury her where she was scared to be, and that she belongs inside with me. I also feared what would happen to her remains if I had to move and leave her behind. I worried about her getting dug up. It’s very hot, right now, where I live, and I couldn’t take the thought of her in the hot ground. Or the cold ground when winter comes. I know it’s natural, but I also couldn’t bear the thought of bugs crawling all over my beautiful girl. I thought about getting a huge planter and burying her in that so I could always take her with me, but I just didn’t have the funds or honestly the mental energy to figure that out in time. I’m disappointed in myself. How do I know the ashes I get back are hers? And now I have to deal with her being reduced to a bag of ashes? They’re dropping her off to me this afternoon and I know it’s going to wreck me.

I just want to hear from any of you who have had any of these similar thoughts and I’m so sorry any of us are here and going through this. I’ve never felt grief like this in my life. I feel like I will never be the same and I will never feel quite as happy as I did about anything when she was here.

Hi everyone.

First, I will post a tribute to my baby girl in the coming days. Today is my 10th day without her and I just haven’t had the will to sit down and write my tribute and social posts yet. I plan to, and I want to honor her, but it’s something I’ve always dreaded doing.

Right now, though, I am struggling so hard with my decision to put her to sleep and the afterlife care I chose (cremation).

First, she was a beautiful tabby Abyssinian mix who was 16 years old. She had oral squamous cell carcinoma in her upper jaw/neck area. The vet did a procedure just after I found it, in May, where she obtained cells from it with a needle. She was unable to determine at that time that it was SCC. She could not take a biopsy without breaking her jaw, so she didn’t. We didn’t know what the lump was, but tried a couple of antibiotics in case it was an infection of some sort. In the time between May and August 7, the day I had to let her go, she continued to eat and snuggle and be mostly herself, though I could tell she didn’t feel great, either.

In that time, I can’t help but wonder why I didn’t seek more second opinions or try to find cancer trials even though we didn’t know it was cancer yet. I trust my vet very much and she always took excellent care of Phoebe, but I didn’t get a second opinion until the very end. I’ll regret that decision forever, even though my vet said radiation at her age would have been extremely hard on her. She was pretty spry until the end, so I just wonder if she could have handled it. She was eating until the end, but especially the last week (after another procedure where the vet removed her teeth on the tumor side, which allowed her to remove a piece of it and confirm it was cancer) and especially after the last procedure she was clearly in pain when she ate. That, and both vets’ recommendations that euthanasia was the best choice, is what led me to make the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.

And as for the decision to put her to sleep and get her cremated. First, I didn’t ask for an extra minute to say goodbye to her. I don’t know why I didn’t. It all happened so fast. Of course in the days leading up to it I took time from work and I held her and talked to her a lot. But that morning I just can’t help but regret not asking for one more minute with her. I held her throughout the process but I was a total mess. I was just crying and spilling it all out to her: that I loved her. That I was so sorry. That she put up with me all these years. That she taught me so much. That I wanted to take her pain from her and make it mine. I was sobbing and almost hyperventilating while saying it all. I wish I had remained more calm for her. People say their pet’s passing was peaceful and even though hers was here at home with me, I felt that it was not peaceful because of my condition at that moment. I just couldn’t help it. It came over me and I was overwhelmed by it being our last moments together.

And the cremation. Why did I do that? Why did I send her off to get cremated when I have a perfectly good backyard I could have buried her in? She never liked going outside because I had lived in apartments up until a few months ago when I bought my first house, so she never got used to going outside. When I would bring her outside she would tremble and cling to me. I thought I should not bury her where she was scared to be, and that she belongs inside with me. I also feared what would happen to her remains if I had to move and leave her behind. I worried about her getting dug up. It’s very hot, right now, where I live, and I couldn’t take the thought of her in the hot ground. Or the cold ground when winter comes. I know it’s natural, but I also couldn’t bear the thought of bugs crawling all over my beautiful girl. I thought about getting a huge planter and burying her in that so I could always take her with me, but I just didn’t have the funds or honestly the mental energy to figure that out in time. I’m disappointed in myself. How do I know the ashes I get back are hers? And now I have to deal with her being reduced to a bag of ashes? They’re dropping her off to me this afternoon and I know it’s going to wreck me.

I just want to hear from any of you who have had any of these similar thoughts and I’m so sorry any of us are here and going through this. I’ve never felt grief like this in my life. I feel like I will never be the same and I will never feel quite as happy as I did about anything when she was here.