u/BedIntelligent2824

I’m not trying to make his graduation all about me, I’m just conflicted and need advice.

I (29m) have 6 younger half-siblings from my mom and stepdad. I’m a lot older then them, and the only child of my mothers previous marriage. She had me when she was very young.

In my early teens, my stepfather and I butted heads a ton, and he sent me to live with my maternal grandmother, who I lived with until I graduated high school.

My younger brother, is 18 and graduating high school tomorrow. My mother invited me. I was close with my younger siblings when I lived with my mother, but once I moved out, we weren’t as close. Most of them don’t even remember living under the same roof as me, as they were all tiny

Today, we don’t have much of a relationship. I go to visit them, and you can tell the older ones don’t want much to do with me. I try to talk to them. I try to form a relationship, but they don’t seem to want to. The youngest child, my brother, is 11. He and I get along great.

My mother invited me to my brother’s graduation, and it’s safe to assume that he wouldn’t care if I was there or not. I haven’t even seen him in 2 years. Every time I visit, he’s out with friends.

Recently, I saw a flashback pic on Facebook, of me at my high school graduation, with my younger siblings in the pic. They were all so little.

I would feel bad if I missed his graduation. But he wouldn’t care. I try to text him, but get no response. I texted him happy birthday this year, and he left me on read.

So if I were to go, it would be for selfish reasons, as in, I would feel guilty if I missed it. On the other hand, the thought of going, and it be awkward, has me wanting to stay home.

Anyone have any advice?

Edit: I should also add, that when living with my grandmother, we were completely broke living off her limited income. The kids at school were absolutely terrible to me. I haven’t been back to that school since I graduated 10 years ago. It’s the same school my brother is graduating from. I feel uneasy knowing I will be back in that school. Surrounded by those people that did nothing but torment me.

4 months ago, I relapsed after 4.5 years of sobriety. What started off as a bottle of wine, soon turned into a 4 week long bender. I was totally off the rails. I was blackout drunk pretty much every night. An entire month, I barely remember.

I got sober for the 2nd time in my life, and have been clean for 3 months.

I’ve just become to apathetic towards life. I feel no hope. I just don’t care anymore. For 4.5 years, I did everything right. I was working my ass off, and never missing a day of work. I was exercising 4 days a week, and eating healthy. I was in therapy. I was taking courses at my community college. I was going out and trying to meet people. I was taking care of my disabled sister.

4.5 years and I was doing everything right. Yet, I was going absolutely nowhere in life. I was broke yet working 50 hour weeks. I was tired. I was the loneliest I had ever been. I kept getting denied from nursing school. I was being ghosted by people. I was stood up 3 times by dates. I was looking at the world around me, and looking at my peers, and absolutely confused as to what I was doing wrong.

It felt like I was constantly waiting for things to get good for me. Waiting for what I was working so hard for.

Do you remember those old fashioned delis? Where you’d pull a tab with a number on it, and you’d wait your turn. It felt like I was constantly waiting for my number to be called…but it never was. People were passing me by, and I was waiting for what everyone else had. Purpose. Direction. Love.

And then I just snapped. I had a full blown breakdown.

I’m sober again. 3 months down. I’m back to exercising. I’m still in therapy. I’m still working my ass off…

But deep down, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t feel the yearn anymore. I stopped caring. As long as I’m sober, nothing else matters anymore. I don’t feel the need to push myself anymore. I don’t feel the need to go out and try to meet people anymore. I wake up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. I don’t feel the need to do anything else.

I just can’t seem to get myself to want those things again. Apart of me has the mindset of “you tried for 4.5 years, and it never came. What’s the point in trying again?”. I’m about as apathetic as you can get.

I don’t know if this is normal, or if I’m totally cooked. How do I get myself to want those things again? How do I get myself to feel hopeful again?

Hopefully this didn’t sound like self-pity or whiny. It’s just how I feel

4 months ago, I relapsed after 4.5 years of sobriety. What started off as a bottle of wine, soon turned into a 4 week long bender. I was totally off the rails. I was blackout drunk pretty much every night. An entire month, I barely remember.

I got sober for the 2nd time in my life, and have been clean for 3 months.

I’ve just become to apathetic towards life. I feel no hope. I just don’t care anymore. For 4.5 years, I did everything right. I was working my ass off, and never missing a day of work. I was exercising 4 days a week, and eating healthy. I was in therapy. I was taking courses at my community college. I was going out and trying to meet people. I was taking care of my disabled sister.

4.5 years and I was doing everything right. Yet, I was going absolutely nowhere in life. I was broke yet working 50 hour weeks. I was tired. I was the loneliest I had ever been. I kept getting denied from nursing school. I was being ghosted by people. I was stood up 3 times by dates. I was looking at the world around me, and looking at my peers, and absolutely confused as to what I was doing wrong.

It felt like I was constantly waiting for things to get good for me. Waiting for what I was working so hard for.

Do you remember those old fashioned delis? Where you’d pull a tab with a number on it, and you’d wait your turn. It felt like I was constantly waiting for my number to be called…but it never was. People were passing me by, and I was waiting for what everyone else had. Purpose. Direction. Love.

And then I just snapped. I had a full blown breakdown.

I’m sober again. 3 months down. I’m back to exercising. I’m still in therapy. I’m still working my ass off…

But deep down, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t feel the yearn anymore. I stopped caring. As long as I’m sober, nothing else matters anymore. I don’t feel the need to push myself anymore. I don’t feel the need to go out and try to meet people anymore. I wake up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. I don’t feel the need to do anything else.

I just can’t seem to get myself to want those things again. Apart of me has the mindset of “you tried for 4.5 years, and it never came. What’s the point in trying again?”. I’m about as apathetic as you can get.

I don’t know if this is normal, or if I’m totally cooked. How do I get myself to want those things again? How do I get myself to feel hopeful again?

Hopefully this didn’t sound like self-pity or whiny. It’s just how I feel

4 months ago, I relapsed after 4.5 years of sobriety. What started off as a bottle of wine, soon turned into a 4 week long bender. I was totally off the rails. I was blackout drunk pretty much every night. An entire month, I barely remember.

I got sober for the 2nd time in my life, and have been clean for 3 months.

I’ve just become to apathetic towards life. I feel no hope. I just don’t care anymore. For 4.5 years, I did everything right. I was working my ass off, and never missing a day of work. I was exercising 4 days a week, and eating healthy. I was in therapy. I was taking courses at my community college. I was going out and trying to meet people. I was taking care of my disabled sister.

4.5 years and I was doing everything right. Yet, I was going absolutely nowhere in life. I was broke yet working 50 hour weeks. I was tired. I was the loneliest I had ever been. I kept getting denied from nursing school. I was being ghosted by people. I was stood up 3 times by dates. I was looking at the world around me, and looking at my peers, and absolutely confused as to what I was doing wrong.

It felt like I was constantly waiting for things to get good for me. Waiting for what I was working so hard for.

Do you remember those old fashioned delis? Where you’d pull a tab with a number on it, and you’d wait your turn. It felt like I was constantly waiting for my number to be called…but it never was. People were passing me by, and I was waiting for what everyone else had. Purpose. Direction. Love.

And then I just snapped. I had a full blown breakdown.

I’m sober again. 3 months down. I’m back to exercising. I’m still in therapy. I’m still working my ass off…

But deep down, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t feel the yearn anymore. I stopped caring. As long as I’m sober, nothing else matters anymore. I don’t feel the need to push myself anymore. I don’t feel the need to go out and try to meet people anymore. I wake up, go to work, come home, and go to bed. I don’t feel the need to do anything else.

I just can’t seem to get myself to want those things again. Apart of me has the mindset of “you tried for 4.5 years, and it never came. What’s the point in trying again?”. I’m about as apathetic as you can get.

I don’t know if this is normal, or if I’m totally cooked. How do I get myself to want those things again? How do I get myself to feel hopeful again?

Hopefully this didn’t sound like self-pity or whiny. It’s just how I feel