u/BeginningFuture1570

I have really bad OCD lately, especially moral OCD. But I do also have some anger issues, was diagnosed with BPD, have questioned if I could be a sociopath due to my rough upbringing and past (mostly when I was a kid), and can be manipulative at times if I’m 100% honest. Mostly out of insecurity and wanting to feel in control. Probably a trauma thing. I’ve always had intrusive thoughts that I can say are definitely intrusive, but they’ve NEVER been this bad (I still don’t know how to label these thoughts and think they might just be evil) until recently after undergoing severe stress and verbal abuse, insecurity, etc.

Here’s what happens: I’ll get a thought or multiple thoughts (sometimes immediately without thinking, sometimes they feel like I thought them out) that feel like they came from me (sometimes calmly, sometimes not). Especially when I’m upset or feel threatened, like I’m trying to be “right” or in control or something. Sometimes it feels like I actively thought about them myself, but sometimes they just randomly happen without really thinking. Then I’ll argue with myself in a bit of a panicky way or elaborate to myself by saying, “What I meant was…” And I can’t tell if they’re intrusive thoughts or me just genuinely being cruel, especially when they’re surrounding such sensitive topics with people and trauma, like, “This is why that happened to you,” especially when I’m upset or feel rejected, then realizing what it would mean about me and worrying. Like if I’m just pretending to be a good person or forcing myself to care about having them. Sometimes I feel completely numb, but I know they’re wrong, and I try to argue with myself. Sometimes it feels like I’m faking it. I can’t tell anymore. They sometimes do feel the same as when I have genuine angry/upset thoughts, and I think they might even make me feel powerful sometimes, which makes it even more confusing. I usually feel absolutely disgusting for having them (the ones I don’t know are intrusive or not), try to defend or justify myself having them by shifting blame in my head, regret even thinking that way and feel even more guilty (I think there have been times I haven’t felt guilty though, especially depending on the context), have or will attempt to solve them, have spent a lot of time and energy on them lately as my OCD has gotten worse, feel the need to confess them, have cried/panicked a lot, and feel absolutely drained right now for always trying to figure things out. But before, they often never caused me distress, probably because they weren’t this bad. They just felt like background noise almost. These feel too real, and with how evil they are… I’m so tired. Exhausted.

Could it be that my brain scans for the cruellest things to say, especially with my OCD? I don’t know how to explain it, but maybe my brain thinks, “What’s the cruellest thing I can think of?” either subconsciously or unconsciously. This also happens when I try to decipher if it’s playing tricks on me, but I do have genuine anger issues as well. I’ve heard they can be intrusive thoughts triggered by anger, but I don’t know if they’re just me being terrible. I argue a lot with these thoughts, as if I’m talking to two people at once, except it’s my own voice. But I feel like that’s just me pretending to be a good person, especially when the thoughts feel calm or don’t disgust me and I feel numb. Sometimes it feels like I agree with them, then realize it’s wrong and try to figure out what that means about me. Even with POCD stuff, etc., when these thoughts feel like mine, like when I’m not fully thinking and I’ll randomly think, “That’s so hot” around them or something, then immediately lock in and try to solve it. It also happens with slurs and stereotypes that immediately pop into my head when I’m annoyed or angered without even really being able to think. A lot of them (mixed thoughts) happen without thinking, and I’ll be like, “Huh?” But it depends on the context. Some things feel more calm and like they’re true or I agree with them, even if horrible (then I try solving them), some feel like they COULD be true, and others feel like pure noise. I used to not even really be distressed by them.

Another thing that happens (this is what concerns me most) is when I’m feeling upset and disrespected, especially when having these cruel thoughts (I still don’t know if they’re intrusive or impulsive), I’ll immediately imagine me making them feel bad by using said thoughts and saying/doing certain things as payback, imagining dialogue of how it would go, feeling like they’re urges sometimes, but also not being able to tell, especially when I’m already upset. It’s more like, “I COULD do this if I wanted to,” “It would be so easy to take advantage of the situation knowing their vulnerabilities,” and so on. Not that I really want to (again, I’m questioning if they’re actual urges or not), but acknowledging that it’s a possibility, if that makes sense. Or a power thing. I’m talking about the actual bad thoughts and using them, because I do admit that I sometimes want to get back at people for simple things when I feel disrespected by ignoring them to prove a point, etc., just petty stuff. Never anything evil like what I’m referring to; they go completely against my morals, and that’s why this is all so confusing. But I’m even questioning that now. I don’t want to hurt anyone I deeply care about in that way and make sure to be very careful now with my moral OCD, but sometimes I can’t tell. The guilt would absolutely eat me alive. But even now, I’m wondering if I’m just pretending to have morals. Sometimes it feels like daydreaming about the worst possible things, and sometimes I can’t tell if I really want to. I don’t know how to explain it.

I have no idea what any of this means, and it’s scaring me really badly. I read a chart with intrusive vs. impulsive thoughts, and I’m so scared they’re just impulsive, and I’m worried that means I’m just evil for even thinking these things. They often feel way too calm to be intrusive, or like I agree with them in the back of my mind, but is that even a thing that can happen with intrusive thoughts?

If anyone has any insight or has been through anything similar, please let me know. I’m struggling here.

Growing up, my mom was extremely verbally abusive. She used to pretty much bully me as a kid, mock me for showing emotions, belittle me, call me the worst names in the world, etc. This went on until I was around 24. I’m 26 now.

I was a pretty snobby kid and teenager. I was the type to call her little names or tell her to get out of my room and so on. I developed such a bad temper as I got older, mostly as a young adult, pretty much only toward her. Same with my brothers. They know exactly what I’m talking about because they had to move out because they couldn’t take it anymore. I would snap so easily and call her names, mostly the ones she would call me (her favourite one was bitch). There were times where she would pull my hair, hit me with objects, etc., and I would just cry. Other times, she would be yelling at me or triggering me, and to be honest, I’ve slapped/hit/punched her (mostly on the arm, but a few times in the face) and have thrown things at her out of complete frustration and anger at times, but I’d immediately feel terrible and apologize. Sometimes not though. I remember once when she was saying a racial slur super loud in the car, and I told her to stop, and she didn’t, and I hit her in the face without even thinking.

I honestly don’t even know what to think anymore. I feel so guilty looking back, and because she’s a completely different person now since she’s become bedridden and reliant on me, I always forget the torment I went through growing up. I have so many mental issues now, probably because of her and my dad, but I still can’t help but feel like I’m the abuser and I started it all. But I was just a kid at the time before any of the reactive(?) abuse from me started as an adult. Maybe I am just a terrible person, or maybe I was pushed past my breaking point.

Growing up, my mom was extremely verbally abusive. She used to pretty much bully me as a kid, mock me for showing emotions, belittle me, call me the worst names in the world, etc. This went on until I was around 24. I’m 26 now.

I was a pretty snobby kid and teenager. I was the type to call her little names or tell her to get out of my room and so on. I developed such a bad temper as I got older, mostly as a young adult, pretty much only toward her. Same with my brothers. They know exactly what I’m talking about because they had to move out because they couldn’t take it anymore. I would snap so easily and call her names, mostly the ones she would call me (her favourite one was bitch). There were times where she would pull my hair, hit me with objects, etc., and I would just cry. Other times, she would be yelling at me or triggering me, and to be honest, I’ve slapped/hit/punched her (mostly on the arm, but a few times in the face) and have thrown things at her out of complete frustration and anger at times, but I’d immediately feel terrible and apologize. Sometimes not though. I remember once when she was saying a racial slur super loud in the car, and I told her to stop, and she didn’t, and I hit her in the face without even thinking.

I honestly don’t even know what to think anymore. I feel so guilty looking back, and because she’s a completely different person now since she’s become bedridden and reliant on me, I always forget the torment I went through growing up. I have so many mental issues now, probably because of her and my dad, but I still can’t help but feel like I’m the abuser and I started it all. But I was just a kid at the time before any of the reactive(?) abuse from me started as an adult. Maybe I am just a terrible person, or maybe I was pushed past my breaking point.

(Repost from a different account)

I (26 F) recently became a full-time caregiver for my disabled mom and was forced to move into a shared room with her in a tiny apartment with my verbally abusive grandma, who gives me little to no privacy.

I started dating a guy months ago, and I’ve never been so aroused and needy in my life. I’ve been going into the living room when no one’s around to relieve myself. There are curtains now, but they weren’t always there. I used to go to the bathroom all the time.

I’ve been in situations where I’ve wanted to send him stuff, and I’ve gone into the living room with the risk of being caught to show him stuff, fully exposed. I do it on the couch, and I keep my pants close by to quickly react, but I feel like a monster. There have been a few times where the PSWs for my mom were coming soon, and I made sure to close the curtains and prepare to jump up if they did walk in. I had to jump up once when the curtains were closed to cover myself. I also masturbated once while they were in the opposite side of the house because I was so pent up. Again, the curtains were closed, and I would’ve immediately stopped if they walked by.

I have little to no privacy whatsoever. The PSWs come three times a day, and I’m woken up early every morning. My grandma is extremely verbally abusive, and I get shamed for locking the bathroom door or staying in there too long. I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do, but I feel like a monster with no self-control. I’ve even made noise at times when my family’s been home, especially when having sexy time with my partner, and I feel so guilty. It’s like I’ve lost all care in the world lately because of the situation I’m in.

Am I a monster? 😭