u/BlissTheFall

I basically set myself up for failure. I thought that I wasn't going to do it because I did fall ill this weekend, but of course, lust wins.

I was peeking since that day from my last post, and as a form of boredom, I liked to go on social media to look at women. It went to the point of "I wonder how long it would take to get to an explicit image" but in reality, I was feeding that lust by just being exposed to all those photos.

Time to try again.

Ever since I learned I was going to get a new job, my body began to do weird things. Bloating, constipation, etc.

Of course, on the same smacking day that I left my current job, I got sick. I have a two week break period, so I don’t mind it, but being sick really does suck. Dealing with night anxiety makes it worse when I can barely sleep.

For the past two days, I have been at home, resting. I can feel that I am getting slightly better, but man do I hate how stress affects the body.

I have seen the doctor a couple of times, and will do what he says just to be on the safe side, but we are both certain it has to do with the stress. After all, those two weeks of work was hell for me. I had to work on two different projects, and although they weren’t difficult, I am the type of person to stress out AWFULLY when I am thrown something that I didn’t expect.

I hope all goes well.

Last night I basically ignited this "peeking" behavior. I was on Pinterest, and saw a lot of attractive women. When I woke up this morning, I wanted a means of escape from all the stress and anxiety that I have been going through. So I peeked even more. I basically relapsed as I was on the hub looking around.

However, I couldn't find what I wanted.

What did I want, really?

Today was my last day at work. Did I really want to ruin my day with a cheap high that will last a few seconds, lmao? It piqued my interest, but I don't know... I personally just didn't feel like watching it.

I'm scrolling and scrolling, and found a potential video, but it just didn't feel right. It didn't feel like "the one".

I just turned off my phone, and started my morning instead.

I'm back at home as I am writing this, and that temptation is lingering around. It's not as strong as it was before, but it's there. I can feel it.

I have no guarantee in what I will do, but I wanted to drop a report. I am quite exhausted from the day, from the lack of sleep, from the amounts of stress and anxiety these past two weeks. These past two weeks were brutal for me. It felt like I had a lot of work, but in retrospect, it wasn't. I was just stressing about something small. So yeah... I don't know if I will relapse today, actually fully relapsing. I don't know. Still pondering.

After all, my streaks have been consistent and long (compared to few months ago or throughout my addiction years). It could be that I am just getting old, but the fact that I am getting longer streaks makes me happy.

27m. Firstly, I am a very anxious and stressful person. One small thing could have me spiral out of control, even if it’s something small. I have dealt with this for a few years now since the pandemic.

During stressful or anxious days, it all shows in my gut. Nights would be preoccupied with having to go to the bathroom, typically diarrhea.

So shortly after going through a month of stress due to waiting to hear back from my Master’s and internship, I finally got the good and bad news. No master’s, yes internship. Unfortunately, I began to experience bloating for 2-3 weeks. I shook it off, thinking it was just my anxiety. Then it became constipation. After drinking some prune juice, then it became constipation and diarrhea. There are nights where I cannot sleep until far later because I have the runs. I found out how easy a squatty potty makes pooping, but having the runs every so often WHEN I WANT TO GO TO SLEEP is so infuriating. I genuinely don’t understand why it shows up only when I am in bed.

I will be scheduling an appointment with my GI because I’m tired of this. My diet is fine, I changed it during the bloating time, and I drink somewhat enough water per day. I have had a colonoscopy 2 years ago, and they did not find anything except a hemorroid (I sit down for too long or something. I need to find my report), because I have always had issues with my stomach. I just hope it’s nothing serious, but this has been happening for a month or so now, coincidentally around those stressful times, that I just want to get rid of this.

Has anyone experienced something like this? Any tips with dealing with this?

Thank you.

Relapsed.

Just needing to vent again. Once again, insomnia is hitting hard. It's going to be midnight, and I cannot fall asleep. I will be seeing a GI soon now that I know my insurance will be extended for another month. I really really really hate the feeling of being unable to fall asleep. The worst part is that time flies when I tried to fall asleep. Like I wish time went by much slower, but nope, it goes fast. The more time that passes, the worse my anxiety gets, the more I tell myself that this night I won't fall asleep.

I genuinely hate this.

Edit: 2am, and still cannot sleep. I feel so miserable right now. I cannot stop my anxiety and all I think about is sleep and how I will never get to sleep. I took an L-Theanine pill, because honestly... I have nothing to lose.

Last night was hell for me. I couldn't sleep due to an overwhelming anxiety. Unsure of the amount of sleep I had, I feared that it will occur again tonight.

I needed an escape of this nightmare. I needed to escape the anxiety, the fear, and the uncertainty. So, I relapsed. It took me away, and it felt good. Until I realized what I did, and that made the anxiety worse. Funny, huh?

I went on a long walk, and I think that helped better than the relapse, but still. I wanted to report this failure.

Last night was an awful night. I am currently having stomach problems, but last night I had an awful bloated stomach. I was unable to fall asleep, and stayed up until midnight. I am taking medication for that, but even the medication scared me. So many racing thoughts...

The thing is, I stopped worrying about the time, and my bloating eventually resolved itself. However, after midnight, I woke up at 3am. After looking at the time, though, I started to panic. "Did I actually fall asleep? What time did I sleep? Was it midnight? Was it at 1am? 2am? Oh man" and that led me to be unable to fall back asleep. The worst part is that I was wide awake given those thoughts.

I did stay in bed until 7am, so might I have slept again? Maybe, maybe not, I just know I kept "waking up" every hour or so.

It's awful. This whole thought if I slept or not. It's one terrible night, but the anxiety was there, and it was stronger than ever.

I am changing my life and eating choices in hopes that it gets better.