Feeling Pressured and Controlled by My Husband - Especially About Having Another Baby, Please Advice?
My husband and I have been living in the UK. We have a young child who was born prematurely following a very difficult pregnancy and spent months in the NICU after an emergency C-section. Our child subsequently had recurrent illnesses and hospital admissions during the first period of life.
I eventually left my job a few months ago so that I could look after our child full-time. Our child is now doing well at home.
I have been under significant emotional and mental stress because of repeated conflict within my marriage, particularly relating to my husband's behaviour, his expectations of me, his mother’s involvement in our marriage and parenting, and repeated threats of divorce.
My decision to stop communicating with my mother-in-law did not happen because of one isolated incident or because I simply dislike her. It developed over a long period as a result of repeated experiences in which I felt that my personal boundaries, choices, parenting decisions and autonomy were not respected.
There were also occasions when I felt that my clothing choices were being monitored and judged. She treated me as an untouchable during my periods, I was not allowed to sit on the cushioned furniture, enter the kitchen or dining area, or touch household items. I found this extremely stressful and humiliating, but I still followed everything she said to avoid conflict. She also told me how I should address my own husband and said that calling him by his name was disrespectful. I felt that even such a personal matter was being treated as something she had the authority to dictate.
There have also been instances of what I feel is a double standard. For example, I gifted my MIL a silk saree, but she rejected it because she disliked the colour and said that colour could attract the evil eye. I respected her wishes and took it back. On the other hand, when she gifted me a saree that I genuinely disliked because of the colour and material, I still accepted it respectfully, but she questioned me why I wasn’t wearing it on an occasion and insisted that I should. I feel that her preferences are expected to be respected, while mine are often not given the same consideration.
These incidents accumulated over time. Individually, some may appear small, but together they created a persistent feeling that my choices were being observed, judged and overridden.
After our child was born the situation became considerably more stressful when my mother-in-law stayed with us in the UK for approximately 5 months during postpartum. This was an extremely vulnerable period for me. However, I felt that my mother-in-law repeatedly interfered with my parenting decisions. She frequently found fault with how I was doing things and made comments that I experienced as critical or passive-aggressive. I felt that she behaved as though she had greater rights over my baby than I did as the child's mother.
I was not objecting to her having a relationship with her grandchild. I was objecting to repeated interference in decisions that I believed should primarily be made by the child's parents, particularly where those decisions concerned the baby's health, safety and daily care.
The cumulative effect was significant emotional stress. I have found it difficult to let go of the experience and have felt emotionally low and overwhelmed by it.
My own mother also visited us in the UK for approximately two weeks. During that period, my husband did not show the same warmth towards my mother. He sometimes would shout at me in front of her over relatively minor matters. This made my mother uncomfortable, and she did not want to remain in our home for longer.
My husband has now become very angry because I do not call his mother. He says that I should either start calling his mother or ask my own mother and sister-in-law to live separately. I do not understand this comparison. My mother, brother and sister-in-law live together happily. There is no equivalent ongoing conflict or history of boundary violations between them and me.
My husband appears to be treating my refusal to maintain contact with his mother as though I am deliberately disrespecting his family, whereas from my perspective I am trying to protect myself from a relationship that has repeatedly caused me emotional distress.
Another major concern is how my husband behaves during arguments. My husband can become aggressive, intimidating and extremely angry during disagreements. There have also been occasions when he has broken things in the home. He has also strongly pressured me to have a second child despite me being very clear that I do not want another pregnancy. I had a very traumatic pregnancy and premature birth with our first child, and I do not feel emotionally or physically ready to go through that again. Despite this, he says he wants another baby “at any cost” and has used divorce and other threats like taking our child away from me during these discussions. I feel that my decision about whether to have another child is not being respected, and this has made me afraid to make decisions concerning my own body and reproductive choices.
I’m not afraid of divorce itself. If the marriage ends, I can accept that. My main concern right now is that I am currently not working and we are still living together, so I want to avoid unnecessary conflict or escalation until I am in a more secure position.