r/pottytraining

My daughter will be four in October and she is genuinely terrified of the potty where she just cries and shakes and holds her pee. I tried underwear, she doesn’t care and pees in them, tried a reward system, a sticker chart, bubbles on the potty, coloring on the potty, nothing works. I use to be a preschool teacher & potty trained over 30 kids, and I never have seen a kid act like this and it’s discouraging I can’t get my own kid potty trained. Any advice for extremely stubborn pee holders?

Hello, we are at a total loss of what to do here and would love some help from the community.

Context:

Our 3.5 year old boy has been peeing on the toilet successfully (standing on a step stool and leaning over the bowl while holding the top of the tank) for over a year now. He is in full-time daycare and seemed to be on the right track there and at home. He was wearing underwear all day and only wearing an overnight diaper for bed. The pooping took some more time, but we were getting there and he had successfully pooped several times both at daycare and at home.

Then around 4-5 months ago, he had a stomach bug and was having really bad diarrhea, so we switched him to wearing pullups at home for the couple of days he was out, and then we sent him to daycare with pullups for a couple days as well just because things were still a little loose. Once he was over it, we switched back to the underwear and were hoping things would pick back up where they left off, but we could not have been more wrong.

At home, he would start to ask for a diaper when he had to poop, and thinking maybe he just needed a bit more time to readjust, we would give him one, he would go squat and poop in his diaper (we were able to make him go to the bathroom at least to do this), and then we would clean him up and change him back to underwear. As this routine started to drag on, we started trying to get him to sit on the potty when he would ask for the diaper. And it would usually be a struggle to get him to sit, but even when he did, he wouldn't go. We tried every type of reward (treats, toys, videos while on the potty) to encourage him, and we were at a loss as to why he didn't want to go at home even though he was going at school (or so we thought - he has no pullups at school, so I assumed he had gone back to pooping on the toilet at school). I should have asked daycare earlier because my assumption was wrong. Turns out he has not been pooping at school, he will just hold it. They put him on the potty when he says he has to go, they set timers he has to sit there, multiple times, but he won't go. Now it is the same at home, we put him on the potty multiple times and he just wont go (and is screaming and crying and having a meltdown and begging for a diaper during the whole process). He now knows if he just waits til the end of the day he will get his overnight diaper and he goes in there, so telling him there are no diapers juts falls flat.

So now here we are, we have tried multiple different potties and configurations (inset seat on the toilet with stepstool, ladder thing up to the toiler with a seat on top, the TotSquat since he does seem particular about squatting low to the ground to poop). No amount of rewards or promises does anything. It is a massive meltdown whenever the topic comes up. On top of that, he has been having some behavioral issues at daycare recently from about the same time (not sure if tied into this or potentially due to a new teacher in the class he does not get along with). And we are just at a loss for what to do.

Options we are considering:

1. Ditching the overnight diaper as well, accepting that he will wet the bed most likely, but removing that assurance of the diaper at the end of the day will hopefully make him confront the reality of needing to use the toilet. My concern here is he will hold and hold even longer and end up with an issue (I have heard horror stores about witholding).

2. Give some type of laxative (we already give probiotics and he will occasionally eat prunes and stuff as well, but it doesn't do enough) to make him unable to hold it. Understanding that we will probably have several poop accidents to clean up before he accepts he has to go on the potty. My concern here is like I don't feel entirely right keeping him all laxatived up for several days (weeks) in a row until it clicks, not to mention will be a major headache at home and at school.

Any thoughts on these or other ideas? He is moving up to the next class in daycare soon and will be expected within a few months to not only go himself but also wipe himself, and that feels like we have so far to go and it is worrying.

Thanks so much.

We are on week 2 of toilet training our 25month old. We did bottom-free time for a few days and now he is very good at telling us when he needs to pee or poo, will lead us to the bathroom for help with pulling down his pants/undies, and pee. We use a sticker reward system which he likes, and loves to put them in his “peepee book”. Every couple hours we also offer for him to go pee and he goes and does it.

However, what the problem is now is that our kiddo loves to go outside and play. So when he wants to go out we say time to go pee first, he says he doesn’t need to and refuses to sit on the toilet (like physically will jump off). But then a few minutes later will pee his pants because he’s been holding it in order to go out faster. Since we now have to change him he has a huge melt down.

He sometimes does the same when he’s focused on playing with his cars or something else he finds more fun than peeing on the toilet. Lies about not needing to pee or refuses to pee when we sit him on toilet, then a few minutes later has an accident.

We are tired of all the meltdowns related to this and of course don’t want to traumatize him. But we also don’t want him to learn that it’s okay to lie about peeing in order to get what he wants, especially since he’ll just have an accident anyways.

Thank you for your advice!

Hi all! I’m looking for some perspective here. My daughter has been potty training for about three weeks now. It’s been going pretty well both at home and school, slow and steady. Today, we were given a ziplock bag at pick-up with a pair of dirty underwear, which is what they do when she has an accident so we could wash them at home. Upon opening the bag in my laundry room, an overwhelming smell of poop slapped me right in the face. And there it was, the turd still sitting perfectly in the inside of her underwear. This is the second time this has happened which surprised me, because the first time I assumed it was a genuine oversight and that her educator simply got distracted.

Has anyone else experienced this? Is this some daycare thing I’m unaware of? I realize that it’s obviously my job to clean the underwear thoroughly, but I would’ve expected that the turd would’ve at least gotten flushed? I’m somewhere between feeling that sending someone home with literal poop in a bag is completely insane, while also trying to be mindful that educators already have a lot on their plate and might not have the time to remove it.

Are my expectations too high, or is this as crazy as I think it is?! Let me know cause I’m at a loss 🥲

We started potty training our 2 yr old a week ago, so far she’s picked up ok with few accidents here and there - she’s only in pull ups for night because she often pees in the night even though we try our best to let her pee before bed. She independently goes to the toilet and does the whole ritual - pee, wipe and wash her hands! She only ever needs help with poop and wiping poop because she’s often constipated and we are working on that.

We are going to travel abroad in Europe for entire June and I am wondering how to best support while we are out and about. Do I put her in pull ups always when we are out or do I get some portable/collapsible potty to carry around? Please share any tips or what’s worked for y’all in similar situation. I don’t want to regress her but also want to be prepared on what supplies/tools to carry to best support her potty training. Thank you!

I've read lots of people saying night time dryness is hormonal and common for kids to not be dry til later.

We trained using the oh crap method at 22 months and our girl has been daytime trained for nearly a year now, but her diapers at night are still huge and wet so it doesn't seem like she's anywhere near ready. I know you can take a much more deliberate approach and wake them and taper liquids before bedtime etc.

So just curious for those who waited til diapers were getting dryer by themselves - what age did you think your kid was ready for night time training? Or will you always need to be more deliberate about it ?

Thanks!

I’m about to start training my toddler (2.5 years) and I hate to frame this as a negative but she is strong willed and will not do something she doesn’t want to do. The books are all hang around on the potty and take your time etc but I can’t see her sitting on the potty and relaxing enough on it to let go. Shes of that temperament. I really don’t want to use treats, bribes or rewards (it’s just a parenting preference) but I don’t know how I’m going to get over the behavioural challenge in this instance.

Any stories or tips to inspire me? For context we will probably go with the oh crap method

I am a nanny to a little boy (2 1/2). We have been potty training off and on since march. In march we tried for a solid month with very little success and lots of accidents, trying to use the oh crap potty training method with no pants on. We took a break because it wasn’t working and came back to it in April.

This attempt is going much better and he wears pants and underwear now, and we’ve been leaving the house with no diaper on.

The problem is, aside from a few outliers, he only goes when I put him on the potty. He does not do it himself, he will just pee/poop in his pants unless i catch him. He also does not tell me when he has to go when we are in public. Today he had an accident in the middle of storytime at the library. We talk all the time about going on the potty. If you ask him where pee or poop goes he will say in the potty. We talk about what he should say if he has to go (he has said sit on the potty independently twice while we were out in public)

I’m just not sure what I can be doing to help it click for him or if I’ve just gotta ride this season out until he understands better.

I figured I’d share my experience in case someone wants to start potty training around 18-20 months :-)

-We started potty learning around 18 months. Potty books (Ms. Rachel book & Potty book for girls), got a kids sized potty for upstairs & downstairs, water wow books only for the potty, inviting kiddo into the bathroom while I went and narrated everything, taught basic anatomy. We put her on the potty at infrequent times of the day and would pee about 50% of the time. She was really interested/excited.

-Around 20 months we did an informal 3 day, stay at home, no bottoms, watch like a hawk method. As expected, lots of accidents. We finished the 3 days utterly exhausted and didn’t continue with the method mostly because she wasn’t acting her normal self (seemed super emotional, almost scared/timid - I think she was upset at herself which made me so sad to watch).

-A big pro from these 3 days was she did start to become aware of her bowel movements. She went from being totally unaware, to looking down as she peed, to peeing in her diaper and saying “pee poo” after the fact to now touching her diaper and saying “pee poo” before the fact! This has taken 1 month of gradual improvement.

-After the 3 days, we kept bringing her to the potty at scheduled times. At wakeups, before sleep times, every 30 min to an hour, and anytime we’d smell a suspicious toot or thought she was about to poop.

-After breakfast she gets to watch one 20 min show. The only conditions are: she must not wear any bottoms, she must sit on her potty and she drinks 5oz of apple juice/water while sitting on the potty. She goes pee every time therefore we don’t typically let her get up from the potty unless she has gone pee (unless it’s been a veryyy long time). We’ve been doing this routine for a month and I think it has been a key factor in our potty training improvement.

-We do give one mini m&m or raisin after very pee and two after poop in the potty. She knows the routine of us wiping her bottom, help flush waste down big potty, she flushes, we wash hands together then she gets her treat.

-we recently added in pull-ups alongside diapers which she loves. If she tells us she needs to go potty and successfully gets waste in the potty she gets rewarded with wearing a Minnie Mouse pull-up. We tell her to keep Minnie dry and clean and let us know when you have to go pee or poop. If she gets Minnie wet we tell her we have to throw Minnie away and get in a diaper.

-we have seen a recent uptick in potty successes. Able to hold her pee and tell us when she has to go. Diaper dry while we go on hour outings out of the house then pees at home on the potty. We get about 80% of her bowel movements into the potty at this point (not counting sleep times).

-as far as next steps, no idea! And I’m ok with that. I want to share this as our experience which is definitely on the more relaxed side of things. But our kiddo seems happy/emotionally regulated while gaining independence through a slow potty training journey and genuinely proud of herself which is really fun to see.

Just hoping for any ideas to support him to the next block. 27m boy.

Morning of Day 1 was fantastic. A few accidents then quickly learned self initiation and we had three purposeful full pees before nap (asking for the potty). Immediately on waking up he was done and saying no potty.

He has generally refused to sit on the potty, withholds and pees when he literally can't hold it anymore. Obviously getting more frantic (but not distressed) as it gets closer. Have tried gentle prompt and walk away but he just follows. Given options between the two potties. Been backing off as much as possible.

Had glimmers of hope with him role playing his stuffed animals on the potty and being happy about that. A few times he has briefly tried sitting on it without prompting so clearly the cogs in his brain are working up to it.

This morning when he started saying he needed to pee I asked what he thought we should do about it and what he needed from me. Eventually he said he wanted to use the toilet upstairs and after backing and forthing a few times he peed in the bath. I did move him over to finish in the toilet. He was also playing with his carry potty a bit before nap and did try sitting on it.

Have managed to get him on the potty for both poops thankfully.

I know this is part of the process and have read so many good stories of refusers easing up late on, but does anyone have any tips on how I can convince him using the potty is his idea? Help him feel more in control when it gets to crunch time?

In terms of timescales he's not back in nursery till next Wednesday so we still have a full week really of practice at home!

I have a (4M, soon to be 5). We have been attempting to potty train off and on for a couple years now, which hasn’t been going well. My son refuses to use the potty. He will hold his bladder until the point where he has abdominal pain, and will vomit and have overflow incontinence (3-4 episodes at that point).

I have tried asking him if he needs to go, and he just says no or he doesn’t want to. I have tried telling him that it’s time to try and use the potty at different time intervals (we’re currently doing 1-1.5 hours) and he’ll sit briefly before he says he doesn’t want to go and pulls his underwear up and leaves the bathroom.

We have tried portable small potties (he’s very tall and doesn’t like them). We have tried the potty chairs that go on the toilet but have the bars to place your feet on. (We have tried 2 because he was scared of the bear on the first, so he wanted a frog. And now he doesn’t want a frog). We have also tried the plain little seats that just latch on and his legs dangle down.

We have tried letting him play with warm water in a basin (have also tried this with his feet) with and without toys.

I have tried running water to hear the sound at different speeds. A slow trickle to the entire amount coming out since on two occasions after lunch (in the past) he would pee through underwear while washing his hands.

We have practiced blowing bubbles with a bubble wand, with a water bottle and straw to blow bubbles into the bottle.

We have tried singing multiple songs, and reading books. Ive given him a tablet to watch shows about pottying while on the potty, off the potty.

I’ve tried tickling him. I’ve been working on doing relaxing and breathing techniques with him to no avail and he gets frustrated.

I have asked him if he wants to be in the bathroom alone at the recommendation of my therapist, and he’s said no.

I have had him come in the bathroom with me to see me use the bathroom. He goes in when my mom is in the bathroom. And he’s watched my dad since his dad left when he was 17 months old and hasn’t been involved since.

I’ve offered to try peeing standing, or sitting (he wants to sit). Ive offered to buy a wall mounted urinal and he doesn’t want one.

We cannot really do running around the house naked. We’re renting a house with carpet and we’re also living with my sister and two nieces and they’re not really comfortable with that (there was sexual abuse with my oldest niece). We’re currently using underwear kind of like Upairy, but one that a friend makes. And it’s the same thing. He holds and holds and holds.

We had to take him out of PK3 because he continued the same thing and would cause himself to vomit nearly everyday unless they just let him keep the pull-up on.

We’ve been really excited about it. We have been up front about talking to him about no longer using pull ups and going to underwear. I let him pick out the underwear he wants to wear. He role plays with his stuffed animals, and we even had his stuff koala wearing underwear today with him, and he would play and take his koala to the bathroom when the koala needed to go.

We’ve tried rewards with snacks and toys and stickers to no avail.

Edit to add: He does not have a history of developmental delays. While we have a family history of ADHD, OCD, and Autism (mostly high functioning), he has not showed significant signs where his pediatrician has been concerned or felt needed a follow up. At preschool when he briefly attended, he always acted fine and the teachers had absolutely 0 concerns with him outside the potty issues.

Second edit: To format post better and provide a little more information.

I'm a teacher and would like to use the summer break to work on potty training my toddler. He's already sat on the potty and has successfully peed in it 3 times. Two of those being the same day!

He is a very talkative toddler and uses 4+ word sentences to talk with us. We've been working on pulling down his shorts and taking off his diaper.

I don't have an expectation of how long it takes, but I'd love to have him trained by 2.5. Here goes nothing!

I am getting ready to start potty training my two year old daughter. I am at a complete loss where to start. She already understands how to use toilet paper and what you use the potty for. I saw somewhere that they would sit there kid on the toilet every 15 minutes. That sounds smart to me but am completely unsure. Any advice would be great!!!!

I waited for my daughter’s speech delay to resolve, and I think I missed my chance to train without a huge toddler power struggle fight.

My daughter is 2.5 and in daycare. I’ve been doing diaper free (naked bottom or in underwear) after daycare most days for a few weeks. My husband doesn’t want to be stuck at home on weekends, so we use diapers on and off on weekend days too instead of going full in. I know I’m going to have to take her out of daycare for a few days to do an oh crap style thing because my husband isn’t being helpful on weekends.

That said, I’m so frustrated with the power struggles and want to be prepared for when I rage her out of daycare to go all in. It’s clear from our “training” so far that my daughter figured out how to connect the pee feeling to peeing. She tells me she needs to go. But if I take her to the potty to do it, she screams and refuses to sit. Eventually she either goes in underwear, floor, diaper, or bath. She’ll sit and not go. She has peed in it twice in all our days of trying, and I think not completely emptying the bladder either.

My daughter is for the start at a Montessori for 3 hours a day and I would like her to go because I think she will enjoy it and I would like a few hours a day after staying at home with her the past three years.

HOWEVER they won’t take her if not potty trained. She is semi curious but not at the point of sitting on potty or toilet. I have read the oh crap method and watched the big little feelings course but I do feel that the angle is about training them to submit to the toilet (but like training a dog) rather them a very collaborative child led approach.

Anyone have any resources about a child led approach or experiences of this kind to share? No bribes, rewards etc - I don’t believe in using these except in exceptional circumstances.

So my daughter is 2.5 and not yet potty trained. We potty trained our son when he was 3 and it was such a breeze. No accidents when training and he got it down in less than 3 days. I know I shouldn’t compare them, but I think we were so successful because we waited so long. He absolutely seemed ready. He’s also an agreeable child. My daughter is the opposite. She’s strong willed and not showing enough potty training readiness signs (diapers aren’t staying dry for 2 hours, zero indication she’s going pee, and she’s also struggling with poop right now). Anyway, over the last few days she will randomly scream “need toilet!!!!” we would tell her she has a diaper on and can go pee but that doesn’t calm her down. So we bring her to the toilet and she absolutely loses it. We’ve tried a small plastic potty in the bathroom, small plastic potty in the family room (don’t worry no carpet haha), regular toilet with child seat, and regular toilet without child seat. We’ve also tried introducing the small child potty when she isn’t stressed about it but no matter the environment she loses her ever loving mind when we bring her to one. Has anyone experienced this? Potty training is such a sensitive thing and I don’t want her to be in distress around it. Thank you!

My son is almost 5 and still in diapers. For backstory: he is a cancer survivor and had stage 3 Rhabdomyosarcoma at 18 months old and had a bowel block from adhesions that ended up getting removed around 3. We’ve been trying to potty train him for 2 years but the problem is, he is constantly trying to poop and straining.

He goes poop in the toilet about 3/10 of the time and pees every time in the toilet. He poops his pants quite a bit because he sits on the toilet for quite a bit, gets some out, but the rest comes out after he gets off the toilet because he’s finally relaxing.

It’s very frustrating as a parent because we’ve done rewards, no diaper no undies, just undies, he does it often enough so he knows how to but not every time, he throws huge fits because he knows that if he does sit on the potty it’ll be awhile and he just can’t sit on the toilet for long periods before something actually comes (he has always taken awhile to use the bathroom even when he was in diapers completes). We’ve talked to his pediatrician who isn’t extremely helpful… She just kind of says we need to figure it out and gives us pointers on things we’ve already done. We can’t use stool softener because of his bowel problems.

Anyone have some pointers? I have another child who was potty trained very quickly but obviously doesn’t have the same circumstances.

I really don’t know what to do anymore. I’m at my wits end. My almost 4.5 year old will not potty train. I have a 3 month old and I’m tired of changing diapers on a kid who is perfectly capable of using a toilet. He used to be in daycare and they began potty training him when he was 1.5. They didn’t push until he was about 2.5 when he got a new teacher who required preschoolers to wear underwear regardless of their potty training status. He would come home everyday with at least 3 sets of soiled clothes. The rule in the classroom was if they soiled themselves, they had to help change themselves. We ended up moving when he turned 3 and now he goes to a part time preschool. The preschool allows pull-ups for 3-4 year olds and requires the kids at least try to go on the toilet several times during the day. My son will bypass the potty line and just go wash his hands despite the teacher telling him not to. We’ve tried everything and I’ve talked to his pediatrician who just said he would do it eventually but I really don’t think he will. It’s embarrassing and I feel like a crappy parent. Worst of all, I feel alone in this despite having a spouse and family members who watch him during the week. I’m the one doing the research and buying the different potties and coming up with the plans and getting the pee smell out of clothes and furniture when those plans fail. Now I have a deadline. He has to be potty trained by the start of the school year in September or he will not be allowed to attend.

Those of you with strong willed children, what worked for them?

Hey everyone,

We’re on day 11 of the oh crap method and I don’t really know what to think. To cut a long story short, our son has plateaued at two accidents every day. He doesn’t self-initiate and sometimes the accidents are a pee and poop, mostly two pees - but always two, except for yesterday. They’re never at the same times of day or anything, but to be honest it makes me feel a bit hopeless about improvement.

He’s fairly resistant to the potty or toilet and needs bribing a fair bit.

Today I was really disappointed because he had only one accident yesterday and only one this morning, so I hoped we’d keep the streak but he’s just wet himself again… At this point it feels like we’ll never get back to our normal life!

Can somebody give me a virtual shake and tell me I’m being impatient about this? Or does it sound like it’s really not working for us? I don’t even know anymore!

We are planning to start potty training “boot camp” on Friday - Monday with our 2.5 yo - our first serious attempt at potty training. However, we have plans to go to a baseball game Saturday at 4 pm. We will likely only be there for a couple of hours. Will this completely throw off potty training or will a few hours back in a pull up be okay if we’re consistent the rest of the weekend? I don’t want to confuse our toddler but we also have to start sometime and a long weekend feels like our best bet to get things going (she’s in daycare during the week). I don’t necessarily want to be visiting the stadium bathroom every 30 mins while we’re there but certainly will if that’s our best option… I’ve heard some people mention putting a pull up over regular underwear so they can still feel when they are wet. Please share any and all suggestions about how you handled the early days of potty training and outings.