Just venting, last week I had good days, was happy to go to work, felt positive but since yesterday I am just so mad at everything I have a medical appointment today and I just keep ruminating on how it steals all of my day how I don't want to be here etc etc. I need some hope that good days are coming back and that it was not just luck last week !
Finally, nearly two weeks on Lexapro. I’ve been really impatient for it to kick in, especially after reading about the side effects and happy endings on this subreddit. I was very scared to start an SSRI, but also excited in a sense, hoping to find relief for the anxiety and depression I’ve dealt with most of my life.
I’ve had quite a few side effects, sadly. In two weeks, I’ve only had one night where I didn't wake up in the middle of the night, though my sleep is slowly getting better. At first, it felt like I’d drunk 4 or 5 coffees at once. I take 10mg in the morning. The first few days were quiet, but from day 3 to 7, I felt jittery, shaky, and had muscle cramps. I was too hot and cold at the same time, my body temperature dropped, I felt nauseous and a bit "high," and I even had dilated, asymmetric pupils and blurry vision.
After the first week, things improved, but the fatigue hit hard. In week two, the medication made me so sleepy that I started drinking caffeine again just to function. For a few hours after taking my dose, I felt incapable of moving because of the exhaustion, which made me feel more depressed. However, that "incapacitated" window is getting shorter every day. I found that staying active whenever possible really helped. Even when I felt like I might cry on my way to work, being there actually made me feel better by the end of the day.
I don’t know if I’m just lucky or if the medication is starting to work, but I’ve noticed a few positive shifts : my evenings after work have been calm. I’m exhausted, but I’m no longer replaying every moment of the day in my head or doubting my work. I can watch a show and actually enjoy it without my mind wandering. My sister is going through a rough patch, and for the first time, I could think clearly about what I can and can't do for her without being consumed by guilt. I used to feel guilty for being at peace if she was struggling, even though I knew it was irrational. While I’m not "motivated" yet, I’ve enjoyed swimming and biking in the sun. I even caught myself smiling underwater like a weirdo. I felt physically lighter. I’m self-employed, and instead of focusing only on the stress of my workload, I caught myself thinking: "All these people trust me to help them." Which has not happened before.
I still have more side effects than "light" moments for now, and I’ve had to cancel some work and social plans due to anxiety. But it feels like seeing things in a more positive light is starting to happen on its own. I'm hoping for more of this in the coming weeks.