Heres the skinny:

Drug? vyvanse.

Dose? 70mg.

Support system? yes.

Counselling? yes.

Hotel? On fire.

This has only been happening the last four months or so. I'm staring down the barrel of a major problem, but its the only thing holding my life together at this point.

:(

Time moves so slow.

When my meds wear off it's like the world gets put on 0.25x. I literally feel it happen. Ill go from being locked on whatever task I'm doing, to completely losing the ability to focus and everything being put on manual.

Every movement needs to be intentionally taken, every step needs to be thought out before I do it. Then after putting in a mountain of mental effort into getting something done, I'll look at the clock and only ten minutes have passed when it felt like an hour.

The most productive hours of my day are spent at work.

I spend all day busting my ass to make sure I meet expectations. Someone says jump, I don't ask how high I just jump. Coworker needs help, I'm there solving their problem to make things run smoothly.

Then I get home and my family and I are left with a guy that can't muster the energy needed to do enjoyable stuff, let alone the things that need to be done.

The Addicts Loop.

Go through the day feeling ok, crash, feel the need to take more, take more, feel guilt and shame for being weak, resolve to do better, wake up the next morning, and repeat.

Its like I'm watching from outside my body. At every step of the cycle I'm aware of what is happening, but there's no off ramp. The best I've come up with is to slam some melatonin gummies as soon as I get home and sleep until I need to go to work the next day.

Ill add more as it comes to me, just needed to vent a bit.

I've always seen the joke of "how can Vyvanse/Adderall/Ritalin be addictive? I keep forgetting to take mine".

I've been on Vyvanse for almost 6 years now. It works the best out of all the meds we've tried, but even then I've had to get upped from 20-70mg over course of treatment. I take 50 in the morning and 20 in the evening.

Over the last several months I've felt like absolute ass when the medication wears off. It used to have a noticeable effect for around 8-10 hours, but now it only works for 6 on a good day. Combine this with late after hours service calls at work and I end up taking extra here or there to help me finish work.

To skip some Tolkien level exposition, the pharmacy and my insurance have my account flagged for frequent early refills. Ive taken 12 days worth of meds last week, and stayed up for 50 straight hours at one point.

I find myself thinking of taking extra when I get home from work. I'm incapable of doing anything besides drooling on the couch and watching tiktok when it wears off.

But now that ive been taking even more than usual, im dealing with withdrawal symptoms as well. I can barely move, sleep like a rock, and when I wake up and can actually moce Im inhaling any food I can get my hands on.

It's constantly on my mind, and since impulse control is out the window once they wear off you can guess how easy it is to give in.

Then they kick in, and its like an adult entered my brain and found a toddler having gorged himself on cookies. I say that was a horrible idea, why would I do that, and I resolve never to do it again. Then I find something to keep busy with since the craving is gone and I can focus.

Then they wear off and the cycle repeats.

I have no clue how im going to get out of this. You would think that I would treat the tool holding my life together with more care, but here I am.

Any advice is welcome.

At the end of last wipe I was going through my stash and saw four volcanos. The daja vu was intense, because I just saw those same guns in a clip from a month prior.

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So going into this wipe, I made the decision to scrap every gun I brought back. I only ever had one gun, and that was whichever one used the ammo I had the most of.

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Even though I've lost dozens of guns from hairpins to Jupiters, literally none of them hurt because most times they were only crafted 10 minutes before the raid.

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This also applies to attachments! The only mods I've kept were Kinetic Converters and Anvil Splitters. Everything else was scrapped or thrown on my only gun.

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Is this weird? Maybe. But I haven't dealt with gear fear or a full inventory since this wipe started.

I just finished Outer Wilds. It had sat in my backlog for a couple years after I got it on sale, and not only do I regret leaving it so long I also regret not paying full price.

Which game was that good for you?