u/Buickamys

I used to have anger issues. They faded away semi naturally+a bit of self work. I committed I'd never let them see the light of day again.

And then today I just lost control, in this timeline.

1. I got annoyed at needing to do the smallest thing before bed.

2. I tried to seperate, relax and take deep breaths.

3. momentarily, it worked.

4. Then my dinner exploded in the microwave.

5. Then I yelled for the first time in 3 years.

6. I grabbed the closest thing I can and smashed it to the ground. I also smashed a few other things. First time in 6 years.

7. It stopped and I spent the last hour crying about this out of guilt and fear.

I safely evacuated my mother by nagging her out. I want to be a better son. I don't and never want to hurt anyone. That's the thing. I feel and borderline abusive. And its pure luck in timing that I didn't lose control in front of anyone.

I've taken the follow steps

1. apologised+ cleaned up obviously.

2. But I've also been balls deep trying to understand what caused me to lose my tempo. I can't figure it out. And when I'm angry enough, I can't think critically. My brain and body just takes over. It feels like a fever dream after it happens but I can't control myself in the moment. It's not gradual either is just spikes so I don't have time to prepare and predict it.

I am getting therapy, but no chance to tell them this yet. I also feel now I've got a bit more clarity on my process, I don't think the self-help/grounding rituals will help since my anger spikes so abruptly I don't have the chance to even do it.

I'm looking for anyone who's been through a similar situation- can you guys recommend me solutions? I'm willing to invest time into this actively if it means this side of me is gone forever. Anger is just not a pretty side on me or anyone to be honest.

Thanks!

I grew up getting h\*t, constant argueing, I'd see my dad once a week on a Sunday because of work. When they were home, they'd argue a lot. Throwing chairs and slamming. I'd be in my room door shut crying to sleep. I'm playing victim, but I know theres worse. I know that its still normalised in half the population, but f\*ck. I'm still complaining. I grew up travelling twice a year for f\*cks sake. Private school. I have so much to be grateful for, and I'm acting victim.

I let a few guys pull me by the arm down the stairs, tackle me, make fun of me in school. And its f\*cked up, I somehow grew to like it. I grew more submissive. Worse, I ended up liking the guy. Hes the most feral person ever. Morally grey, gets away with everything. But somehow I crawled back to him and made myself vulnerable on purpose. So many people get b\*llied yet I somehow like it. So f\*cked.

When I was y\*\*nger, I'd go on video calls with older men and strip for them. I made that choice. And I'm still playing victim. F\*ck it, I liked it. I felt awful, but in the moment, I loved it. It was no harm to anyone. Still making it about myself.

Before and now I'm l\*gal, I met up. Some good some not. Most recently, I agreed to s\*ck someone older off. Yet he pulled on my feet, arched my back, kept trying to get his d\*ck in. I was yelling and begging. We didn't end up going through because I'm naturally too tight anyways for him to get anywhere. I agreed on a compensation is he can grind his tip around the entrance but f\*ck it. I liked it. 1 in 4 women experience this. Most are traumatised from it. All of them didn't have a say. All of them were f\*rced to go further than this. Somehow, I liked it. Not the pain, but something about it. Thats f\*cked up.

My morals are all on the right side: I'm progressive and all. I present pretty put together, which is why I have no one to talk to about this.

Love is weak. Its temporary, and exposes you to vulnerability. Its a enter exit state of mind that can have lasting impacts even when you aren't in the state anymore. Which is why I've distanced from half my friends, won't meet up in person with the other. I'm in no condition to be loved or love if I'm already like this without.

No one knows how f\*cked up I am in the head. I feel like a defect. And I'm playing victim, again. Even doing this post I'm trying to make it about me.

I've tried to leave this world many times and always I fail. I'm grateful for that sometimes, other times I wish it worked.

I'm privileged. My parents would support me if I needed the money. I get to travel. I get gadgets. I got top tier education. I have great friends. Yet I still turned out fucked.

I hit the gym like theres no tomorrow. I am constantly at odds to improve myself. I try to protect every aspect of myself. I'm realising none of it will fix me. How fucked up I am.

I'm stuck guys. I know you're strangers. I'm just looking for any wisdom. I don't need empathy. I need advice. I've been blessed with the best scenerios and luck but one day I'll fuck all of this up even more down this path, without anyone knowing.

I don't need therapy, so please don't private m\*ssage. I need a solution and a fix. I feel like I'm permanently bandaging a paper wall against a violent stream of water.

And if I'm being honest? This post is probably me playing victim. You see the issue now? I'm always the victim, never the survivor. I'm too stuck in the past and I can't progress in life. I need to figure a way out of this victim mindset.

Thanks in advance.

I'm bored so here you go.

1. They are developer beta testing API 24, which is HarmonyOS 6.1.1, expected to launch with the Nova 16 series.

2. They are internal testing API 25, we have no idea why because API 26 is HarmonyOS 7- we can assume its HarmonyOS 6.1.2.

3. They are beta testing ads in the weather app and the AI life app aggressively for HarmonyOS 6.1 systems. And yes this includes flagship models such as the Pura 90 users having to put up with it. There is tons of backlash in China right now. And no you cannot turn it off.

4. The next update for anyone on HarmonyOS 6.1 is HarmonyOS 6.1.0.120 (not released yet)

- This update introduces edge lighting applied to all app icons if you are on the immersive lighting icon pack.

- The immersive lighting icon pack also got redrawn.

- For some flagship models, the Outdoor Exploration mode off the Mate 80 series is finally available and backported to them.

- AI actions added when taking a screenshot.

- And a few other refinements such as abilities to add emoji stickers in when editing your photo.

This update is controversial:

The Pura 90 series, Pura X Max and Enjoy 90 series have received this update for a while now. The rest of the models have not.

You know the saying "One as all, all as one" which is the slogan for HarmonyOS? Well that was the case until they got strict on feature tiering. Very strict.

It got to the point where basically, all the servicing branches were NOT servicing the same BASE to different models anymore. The codebase of the core system, the underlying improvements to the frameworks of HarmonyOS were not consistent based on model, even on the latest kernal version. It got too messy internally, which is why your .120 update is delayed. They are unifying and mainstreaming the branches so at least you get the same underlying up to date code BASE.

Now does this mean more features for your old NEXT phone? No. Just means when they match up the codebase they will roll out future updates better. Its a double edged sword too. Because some models were serviced on an OUTDATED base the model specific optimisations may break or not apply being transferred to the new base. Thats why its taking so long. Expect potential lag/battery/heat issues with this update as they optimise further. But on the other end, some devices work great since they were on the latest codebase. Expect .120 to exceed the usual feature update size.

It gets messier because the service patch team and the main dev team are apparently seperate teams. 6.1.0.117 was locking frame rates, causing camera lag etc and the service patches have somehow arrived to the Nova 14 series before any flagship phone. I'll assume the patches get aligned with the .120 update.

4. NearLink controversy

Basically, there are 2 versions of Nearlink. Nearlink 1.0, and Nearlink 2.0. These are chips so its expected Nearlink 1.0 devices can't support all Nearlink 2.0 stuff.

And yet...in official support documentation, the last devices to support Nearlink 1.0 had pretty awesome features like Nearlink find: you can literally point your phone around and it will tell you which direction are your Huawei earphones are with exact distance too. And you guessed it: older devices on the same 1.0 chip and technology don't have it. And well, Huawei can't really explain it away since they accidentally dug themselves a grave by confirming the hardware chips are aligned.

So Huawei's been under just a bit of heat lately. (Just a bit...ok maybe a lot)

I almost forgot!

5. Celia briefing Quietly re-enabled for the Mate 70 series. Initially rollout was cancelled after brief beta testing.

Anyways all information from chinese outlets/discussion forums.

I know this doesn't apply to global users...just in case anyone wants to see how Huawei is doing in life.

Also...I'm not the only one a bit pissed the global Nova 15 Max launched with fckn EMUI 14.2 right?!!! You're gonna give me a soon to be 5 year old android base and version, then at least make up for it by giving me your best and latest skin which is EMUI 15. Crazy tiering work considering its chinese counterpart, known as the Enjoy 90 Pri Max, has the latest HarmonyOS version.

Help me help people :) I want this post to be a place of gathering perspective and wisdom, where people who feel stuck can maybe get some sense of direction too.

You only have 1 minute- now that you know everything you know- what would you tell the version of yourself from a time when they just started off manifesting? What would you use that 1 minute for?

Want to know something even better? Everyone's mastered it already. Now we just need to know how to get in everytime. I'm talking about:

The state of knowing

1. Knowing, what an interesting concept. It's not emotional- feelings flutuate, knowing does not. It's not really a thought either, when you "think", you usually have back and forths in your brain. Oh, and is not belief either. Belief is a stance. Knowing is a state. Beliefs have doubts. Knowing does not.

2. Call it intuition. Call it an insight, call it factual. But the fact is knowing is a phenomenon that is usually non-verbal, non-emotional, non-anaytical certainty.

Some more info

1. When something is uncertain, you try to feel/think certain. Knowing does non of that. Knowing is a posture. A silent one.

2. knowing is still. Its settled. certainty is emotion based. Knowing is structure based.

3. I believe this sense of stillness is one of the states Neville describes- a shifting awareness towards a state of knowing you have your desire already.

Ok now shut up, teach me how to do it.

0. To start, you know the sky is blue. It requires no participation from thoughts or emotions. At all.

0.5) please note the method described below is not the traditional Neville way to enter. Neville usually enters through vibrancy in visualisation.

1. Don't fuel the arguement

• Knowing begins when negotiations end. You don't force silence on your doubts. Knowing is not reached by counter-thinking harder. It appears when the opposing debate loses energy, then you know you've won.

• the next time you experience doubt, you can acknowledge it as the old version/let it pass/ even ignore it- which is the Neville way. But don't treat it as an opponent. It is simply the older identity grasping on crumbs. Don't actively oppose it like an enemy.

2. somatic stillness

• drop the body, breathe slowly, feel the weight settle. Stop bracing. Hear the silence through your ears.

• this silence and neutrality? The doorstep to knowing.

• Don't chase it. Feel it land as you exhale. Feel the weight and vibrations. Or feel it take form in stillness.

3. Neutrality is key

• Let it be natural. Relax the tension. Don't colour it with forced happiness. Don't pressure it. Simply be. Knowing is a silent conviction. Make the decision now. No words. No emotions. Convict.

4. Most important part. Here's a challenge. Use the above information to decide without words/thoughts/feelings/affirmations. Try and communicate that intent. No thinking, no speaking. Just know. And if words cone out? Great! Now youre speaking from the state, not speaking to reach the state!

Triple check:

1. In this state, you either don't experience doubt or doubt means nothing anymore. It has no value.

2. This isn't a 24/7 state personally. Its more an anchor state. Neville says to return to "the state" gently when in doubt or in general, I believe this is one of the states possible.

3. Eventually, this knowing state becomes a baseline. Dominant. A quiet conviction beneath the emotions.

4. Identity switch is immediate, stabilising is gradual. Don't be afraid to fall back. A step back is a step forward.

Decide. The thoughts don't matter. Shift your awareness to knowing. Knowing needs no proof. You don't need an affirmation to "seal the deal". You don't need to experience joy to "confirm you're in it". Just decide. Now.