u/Calm-Bid-2762

To my once dear friend..

It only took 580 missiles and 2,271 drones to prove to me what my brain already knew but my heart was too naive to understand..

How I never truly mattered to you

I doubt I even mattered as a friend

There were many signs before that..the fact that you withdrew the moment I got ill .. the moment signs of real life started to seep from my side of the conversation. Don't think I didn't notice that.

You know all of that was okay. You didn't owe me anything.. I never owed you anything either.

But the one thing that bothered me is how the moment I decided to leave for good, you started acting like you need me and I'm important...

To keep sending me messages ... when you knew how unwell I was ... was so manipulative.

I realized this too late.

I don't know why you keep coming to mind.

I wonder when you saw the news, was I the first thing that came to your mind? Did you worry about me?

I imagine you in a setting where the topic comes up and you are like "yeah I knew someone from there" an awkward silence decends.. and then you go "Oh well, that's life lol okay pass the salt"

With how everything is going the probability of me turning into a ghost has become higher! How ironic huh.

I just have this really bad energy surrounding me such resentment... I want you to be gone from my mind for good. I don't even want you in my life at all. But I don't understand why traces of you still linger?

I live in a fricken war zone and my mind occupies itself with such silly thoughts..

And you are not a bad person. But you were right when you said you hurt a lot of people. I believe you now. I hope you stopped that habit.

Bleh...

Yeah bleh....

Be well.

Be gone.

Please.

I low key hope this will be my last letter to you.

Dear you who must not be named...

It only took 580 missiles and 2,271 drones to prove to me what my brain already knew but my heart was too naive to understand..

How I never truly mattered to you

I doubt I even mattered as a friend

There were many signs before that..the fact that you withdrew the moment I got ill .. the moment signs of real life started to seep from my side of the conversation. Don't think I didn't notice that.

You know all of that was okay. You didn't owe me anything.. I never owed you anything either.

But the one thing that bothered me is how the moment I decided to leave for good, you started acting like you need me and I'm important...

To keep sending me messages ... when you knew how unwell I was ... was so manipulative.

I realized this too late.

I don't know why you keep coming to mind.

I wonder when you saw the news, was I the first thing that came to your mind? Did you worry about me?

I imagine you in a setting where the topic comes up and you are like "yeah I knew someone from there" an awkward silence decends.. and then you go "Oh well, that's life lol okay pass the salt"

With how everything is going the probability of me turning into a ghost has become higher! How ironic huh.

I just have this really bad energy surrounding me such resentment... I want you to be gone from my mind for good. I don't even want you in my life at all. But I don't understand why traces of you still linger?

I live in a fricken war zone and my mind occupies itself with such silly thoughts..

And you are not a bad person. But you were right when you said you hurt a lot of people. I believe you now. I hope you stopped that habit.

Bleh...

Yeah bleh....

Be well.

Be gone.

Please.

I guess I will write until I purge you for good.

Dear my once dear friend...

It only took 580 missiles and 2,271 drones to prove to me what my brain already knew but my heart was too naive to understand..

How I never truly mattered to you

I doubt I even mattered as a friend

There were many signs before that..the fact that you withdrew the moment I got ill .. the moment signs of real life started to seep from my side of the conversation. Don't think I didn't notice that.

You know all of that was okay. You didn't owe me anything.. I never owed you anything either.

But the one thing that bothered me is how the moment I decided to leave for good, you started acting like you need me and I'm important...

To keep sending me messages ... when you knew how unwell I was ... was so manipulative.

I realized this too late.

I don't know why you keep coming to mind.

I wonder when you saw the news, was I the first thing that came to your mind? Did you worry about me?

I imagine you in a setting where the topic comes up and you are like "yeah I knew someone from there" an awkward silence decends.. and then you go "Oh well, that's life lol okay pass the salt"

With how everything is going the probability of me turning into a ghost has become higher! How ironic huh.

I just have this really bad energy surrounding me such resentment... I want you to be gone from my mind for good. I don't even want you in my life at all. But I don't understand why traces of you still linger?

I live in a fricken war zone and my mind occupies itself with such silly thoughts..

And you are not a bad person. But you were right when you said you hurt a lot of people. I believe you now. I hope you stopped that habit.

Bleh...

Yeah bleh....

Be well.

Be gone.

Please.

After our first goodbye

I had this incessant feeling that you are still writing to me, because I still didn't block you.

I was right and I was wrong.

Yes you still wrote to me. I was greeted with over 60 unread messages.

But I was wrong in thinking that it meant anything. You knew the reason for our goodbye. You didn't want anything more and that was totally okay.

What was not okay is how you kept writing me as if I was your personal diary.

It took me so long to finally see how very unkind of you that was.

You never wanted anything.
You gave me the false hope that I meant more to you.
You knew how very sick I was at the time. And you still thought it was a good idea to keep contacting me when you knew you didn't want anything more to come out of it.

Seriously... why did you do that?

I was too stupid and innocent to see how very unkind what you did was. But now I know.

Yeah you were lonely and isolated. I was too and still am. But I would never lead someone on, like you did.

I feel like I want to say more. Nothing comes to me though.

Anyway, be well and be gone from my mind please.
Okay there is more...
I wish I never replied to your first message to me ...
I wish I never put up that very post that led you to me...
I wish I never reached out after the first time you ghosted me...
I wish I never gave you the benefit of the doubt...

I wish I knew why that at the very end ... you still had the audacity to ask me not to block you... so you would keep writing to me ...

Dear love magnet,

I'm writing this while I'm sleepy... so I hope this makes sense..

But really

How does it feel like being on that receiving end?

How does it feel like .. waking up knowing you can bring someone to their knees by just existing ..

I'm a late bloomer so excuse this love deprived fool (and sleep deprived fool) for exaggerating.

But really how does it feel like to be someone who knows what it is to be loved?

And I don't mean any kind like the let us just pass the time sort of love..

I mean the they'd die for you - steal a dragon's baby sort of love!

How does it feel to have someone be madly in love with you?

I guess us late bloomers are divided in several categories... we were deprived so long anything would do... or our expectation level get even higher it's all or nothing...

I guess I'm part of the latter... though I tell myself beggers can't be choosers. But since I was young I was always drawn to specific love stories ones that are sooooo ahh I don't know out of this world?

The thing is I might seem like I'm asking for a lot, but at the same time I see the little things and it just makes me melt. I feel like for those of us who waited for so long, one bright side is that we would notice the smallest things and we have been alone for so long there isn't much room to be ungrateful.

How does it feel to know just your name appearing on their screen would cause an actual instant effect on their body?

That those around them make fun of them know they are talking to you, because they always have that goofy smile on their face when texting you? (I know I have seen those creepily cute goofy smiles a lot and yes I did my fair share of teasing)

Do you still cherish it or take it for granted?

Do you enjoy the fact that you are actually a safe place for them?

That you are someone who they dreamed about years before meeting you... you're basically their dream person. Maybe they even jotted down bullet points on a piece of paper that is basically you.

Is it possible that all of us can be someone's dream man or woman? Is there room or hope for all of us?

Do we have to work on our self before or can we just be miserable and in love...

No one tells you that if you are seeking a friend or family... no one tells you there is a manual or hoops you have to jump through because you want such companionship. But when it's romantic suddenly you have to be a totally healed version of you .. that creepy one that wakes up at 6am and has the audacity to smile too.

Why can't love just come in any circumstance???

But that's not our topic. Are you grateful?

You fairy angelic creature whose got them wrapped around your cute teeny tiny fingers... are you grateful?

Seriously, what does it feel like to be loved by a significant other. It is a type of devotion I am not familiar with at all. Not even a teeny bit. It almost feels mythical to me.

I feel like one of those poor little monkeys they used in that twisted study... I have all my basic needs met... but it feels like I am slowly dying because we are not designed to stay alone this long.... how does it feel to be part of a pair?

Sometimes I wonder. Or maybe the hopeful side of me does. What if I see this in a year and I become one of those happy fools who have all the answers?

I often hear that God doesn't inspire a wish or prayer in us unless he will give it to us in the end.

I also saw a movie where the heroine wonders if they want certain things only because se on a quantum level, they already have them in the future.

I'm not going to pretend I really understand but I get the gist.

Yeah and that's my cue to sleep and cringe about this tomorrow. That's all folks! Have a good day. Except you ungrateful fools I hope... your coffee is always cold! And your wifi connection is slow? Ok bye.

(Unless you love ice coffee then I hope it's boiling 🧚‍♀️)

(Also this only applies to the receivers of true love! No recipients of violent stalkers have been harmed in this post)

It's been ... I don't know how many years now.. I don't even want to keep count.

There are many things that came to my mind back then... questions and observations, but I kept them all to myself, because it didn't matter anymore. All that was waiting for us was that goodbye anyway. I knew it. You didn't want to.

I knew if I talked to you any longer you would have grasped at straws to keep this conversation going. To keep me tethered to you, just close enough for you to access me whenever you want. Yet keep me far enough at the same time, so I would never be part of your world.

You said you discovered you were not monogamous ... but I don't think that's what it was. I think you were a person who loves the thrill of beginnings. And also I think your ex cheating on you with your best friend impacted you more than you know. I think you give yourself the illusion of control by giving yourself that label ... this way no one cheats on you. Or maybe I'm wrong who knows.

It didn't matter back then. It doesn't matter now. But again you made yourself an unwelcome guest in my brain. And this is my way of purging you out.

I feel like there are more things left unsaid, but I can't recall them at the moment.

I wonder if there are things YOU wanted to tell me. But oh well.

Anyway buddy. I know I don't matter to you. I never truly did beyond boosting your ego. You said it yourself.

It's strange how we weren't actually anything. We were almost friends ... almost something more. Almost everything yet nothing at the end.

I don't know why you keep popping up in my mind. It truly makes no sense.

So please stop thinking about me. Stop writing to me, in case you still do that. Please let me go.

It's been ... I don't know how many years now.. I don't want to keep count.

There are many things that came to my mind back then... questions and observations, but I kept them all to myself, because it didn't matter anymore. All that was waiting for us was that goodbye anyway. I knew it. You didn't want to.

I knew if I talked to you any longer you would have grasped at straws to keep this conversation going. To keep me tethered to you, just close enough for you to access whenever you want. Yet far enough I would never be part of your world.

You said you discovered you were not monogamous ... but I don't think that's what it was. I think you were a person who loves the thrill of beginnings. And also I think your girlfriend cheating on you with your best friend impacted you more than you know. I think you give yourself the illusion of control by "sharing" ... this way no one cheats on you. Or maybe I'm wrong who knows.

It didn't matter back then. It doesn't matter now. But again you made yourself an unwelcome guest in my brain. And this is my way of purging you out.

Stop thinking about me. Stop writing to me, in case you still do that. Please let me go.

After wasting many hours here yet again ... because I'm delusional.

I came through a post that might have been meant for you.

It's too distinct too precise to be a coincidence.

I even thought it might be you in disguise trying to lure people in to contact you.

The weird thing is I was just searching for letters addressed to my initial.

The letter itself is not addressed to my initial so I have no idea why it appeared to me.....

It's so bizzare ... but if it was you. It revealed something you never shared to me.

I prayed to God today to make me forget you.

I know you are not good for me. You are not good for me. You as you are now.

I also never mattered to you and these days, more than ever proved how much I never mattered to you.

Still you would come to my mind like an intrusive thought. Like a plague honestly.

Either it's you... or you are not really a minority in what you are ... or what you are into lol

I even wondered if I should message the person.

It wouldn't be such a big revelation. Minus you being a parent part lol

But maybe this is the clarity my mind needs. To look into your world up close. And how many broken hearts you left behind.

If it was intended for you. It wouldn't be the first time I stumble on a post about you.

That one I'm really sure it was about you. From your ex spouse. I still remember it. We were still in contact back then. I never brought this up, because I felt like your ex deserved their privacy. Looking back it felt like a sign. I empathize with your ex a lot and wish this person is in a much better place.

You admitted once that you are tired of hurting people.

You never seemed like a malicious person. I always believed that at your core, you had a very pure heart but this world tries to corrupt us. You were too lonely... to secluded not to fall in this trap.

I never made it a secret that I don't think you are on the right path.

I'm very lonely too btw. We are very alike you and I. Yet different at the same time.

Yes I prayed that God would remove you from my mind. But I also prayed for you.

I know I said I would do so as long as I remember you, but I no longer want to.

I wonder if the recurrent thoughts of you is because you are thinking of me..

I mean it did happen before. You kept writing to me hoping I would sense it and it worked. It took me a while to realize how very unkind it was of you to do that, when you never really wanted me. Didn't you realize I was too physically ill for such mind games?

Your loneliness blinded you. And mine blinded me and put you on a pedestal.

Anyway...

Be happy. Be well. And please be gone.

I just want to be loved.

I just want to be on the receiving end for once. I want to know how it feels like to be deeply loved by a partner.

Sometimes I think I might be greedy. I have known platonic love. I might be more fortunate than a lot of people.

But no one judges anyone who wants friends or family?

So why judge people like me...

I feel so lonely I want to cry and even that I can't do.

I wish us humans had the ability to truly know someone's intentions...

For us similar souls to find each other.

I'm so tired.

I'm so tired.

On the outside people might not feel how I'm just existing. I always manage to be cheerful or make others laugh ...

But inside I'm crumbling

And now I'm isolating myself completely.

My soul knows though and my body knows.

I think I have developed a chronic illness because of it.

I'm just rambling ... but I felt like I needed to get this out.

I was so hopeful at the start of this year. I imagined the person I want completely, a lot of people met their significant others.. why not me??

I have faith...

But then I get that doubt... what if I will never find my person?

I just want to love and be loved

:(