u/CaterpillarNew6458

Hi everyone. I honestly didn’t expect to be writing another update.
First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last two posts. A lot of your comments helped me realize things I had been minimizing for a long time.
Since then, we’ve mostly been untangling our lives. We closed our joint bank account, he immediately sent me the money he owed me, and I told him I’d be removing myself from his insurance. I genuinely wanted all communication to stay about logistics.
After I unblocked him for that, he texted me saying that now that I wasn’t blocked, he wanted me to know there was no hatred in his heart, that he was working on himself, that his family regrets everything that happened, that he hadn’t really told anyone about the breakup, and that if I ever needed anything not to hesitate to reach out.
I thanked him.
Then he called me.
Twice.
I didn’t answer.
This is where I’m confused.
This is the same man who told me he wanted the breakup, repeatedly said he wanted peace, ignored me for days afterward, and made me feel like I was simply too much. Now that I’ve finally stopped chasing him and started accepting that it’s over, he’s calling.
I don’t know what changed.
My parents know he called, and they’ve both made it very clear that if I ever got back together with him, they couldn’t support that decision because they watched this relationship change me in ways that scared them. Even now they don’t fully believe me when I tell them I’m not going back because they know how much I loved him.
One thing that’s also been weighing on me is conversations I’ve had with one of his cousins. She’s continued checking on me and has been incredibly kind. She told me she believes he resented me because I made more money than he did. That surprised me because he was a lawyer in his home country, he’s incredibly intelligent, and he was recently accepted into a master’s program here. She also told me he had spoken to family about how I didn’t “hold him down.”
That one really hurt because I loved him before the car, before the job, before any of those things. I loved him when he was still new to the U.S. and trying to build a life. I never cared what he had. Hearing that almost made me feel like the entire relationship had been rewritten.
She also told me something else that made me think. My ex has an older cousin he looks up to almost like a father figure. According to her, this cousin was the one who told my ex that putting a tracker in my car was normal and an expression of love rather than control. My mom always worried that if I married my ex, I’d end up repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns she believed existed in that part of the family.
The strange part is that I don’t really feel the overwhelming panic anymore.
Now I mostly feel… numb.
I’m spending time with family, my siblings are coming from Florida soon, I’m looking for a trauma therapist, and I’ve been watching a lot of Dr. Ramani’s videos because they’ve helped me understand relationship dynamics in a way I couldn’t before.
I still want to get married one day. I still want children. Part of me is scared about starting over at 24, but another part of me knows I can’t build a marriage on hope that someone will eventually become different.
I don’t hate him. I genuinely hope he gets help if he needs it.
I just still can’t understand one thing.
If someone says they want peace, asks for the breakup, ignores you for days, and then starts calling once you’ve accepted it’s over… what do you think is usually going through their mind?
I’m genuinely asking because I don’t plan on answering, but I’m still trying to make sense of it.
**TL;DR:** My ex wanted the breakup, ignored me for days, then after we finished separating our finances he texted saying there’s no hatred in his heart, his family regrets everything, and he’s working on himself. Then he called me twice. I didn’t answer. I’m finally starting to move on, but I’m still trying to understand why someone who insisted on ending the relationship suddenly reaches back out once you’ve accepted it.

Hi everyone. I honestly didn’t expect to be writing another update.
First, thank you to everyone who commented on my last two posts. A lot of your comments helped me realize things I had been minimizing for a long time.
Since then, we’ve mostly been untangling our lives. We closed our joint bank account, he immediately sent me the money he owed me, and I told him I’d be removing myself from his insurance. I genuinely wanted all communication to stay about logistics.
After I unblocked him for that, he texted me saying that now that I wasn’t blocked, he wanted me to know there was no hatred in his heart, that he was working on himself, that his family regrets everything that happened, that he hadn’t really told anyone about the breakup, and that if I ever needed anything not to hesitate to reach out.
I thanked him.
Then he called me.
Twice.
I didn’t answer.
This is where I’m confused.
This is the same man who told me he wanted the breakup, repeatedly said he wanted peace, ignored me for days afterward, and made me feel like I was simply too much. Now that I’ve finally stopped chasing him and started accepting that it’s over, he’s calling.
I don’t know what changed.
My parents know he called, and they’ve both made it very clear that if I ever got back together with him, they couldn’t support that decision because they watched this relationship change me in ways that scared them. Even now they don’t fully believe me when I tell them I’m not going back because they know how much I loved him.
One thing that’s also been weighing on me is conversations I’ve had with one of his cousins. She’s continued checking on me and has been incredibly kind. She told me she believes he resented me because I made more money than he did. That surprised me because he was a lawyer in his home country, he’s incredibly intelligent, and he was recently accepted into a master’s program here. She also told me he had spoken to family about how I didn’t “hold him down.”
That one really hurt because I loved him before the car, before the job, before any of those things. I loved him when he was still new to the U.S. and trying to build a life. I never cared what he had. Hearing that almost made me feel like the entire relationship had been rewritten.
She also told me something else that made me think. My ex has an older cousin he looks up to almost like a father figure. According to her, this cousin was the one who told my ex that putting a tracker in my car was normal and an expression of love rather than control. My mom always worried that if I married my ex, I’d end up repeating the same unhealthy relationship patterns she believed existed in that part of the family.
The strange part is that I don’t really feel the overwhelming panic anymore.
Now I mostly feel… numb.
I’m spending time with family, my siblings are coming from Florida soon, I’m looking for a trauma therapist, and I’ve been watching a lot of Dr. Ramani’s videos because they’ve helped me understand relationship dynamics in a way I couldn’t before.
I still want to get married one day. I still want children. Part of me is scared about starting over at 24, but another part of me knows I can’t build a marriage on hope that someone will eventually become different.
I don’t hate him. I genuinely hope he gets help if he needs it.
I just still can’t understand one thing.
If someone says they want peace, asks for the breakup, ignores you for days, and then starts calling once you’ve accepted it’s over… what do you think is usually going through their mind?
I’m genuinely asking because I don’t plan on answering, but I’m still trying to make sense of it.
TL;DR: My ex wanted the breakup, ignored me for days, then after we finished separating our finances he texted saying there’s no hatred in his heart, his family regrets everything, and he’s working on himself. Then he called me twice. I didn’t answer. I’m finally starting to move on, but I’m still trying to understand why someone who insisted on ending the relationship suddenly reaches back out once you’ve accepted it.

Original post is on my page

Update: I left, blocked him, and I think I’m finally understanding what happened.
First, thank you to everyone who took the time to read my original post. I don’t think you realize how much your responses helped me. They’ve been playing over in my head, and they’ve honestly given me the courage to finally step away.

I’m safe now. I left and blocked him.
What finally pushed me to do it wasn’t just one incident. It was all of you helping me realize I wasn’t crazy and that I had been minimizing what was happening. I started remembering things more clearly.
I remembered that he told me the only way he would take me back was if I listened to everything he said.
I remembered how he ignored me and made me feel so small at his cousin’s graduation.
I remembered learning that he had been telling his family I was “cheap” after everything I had sacrificed for him.
I remembered him putting a tracker in my car.
I remembered him saying that when we were married he would have the right to tell me not to leave the house.
I remembered him saying maybe he should get me pregnant so I wouldn’t leave.
I remembered him telling me I was toxic, too much, incompatible, and that he wanted peace and no longer wanted the relationship.
I remembered him telling me to “stay in your corner.”
I remembered him telling me the only way this relationship would continue was if I listened to everything he said.
Then I realized something that broke my heart.
When I once told him, “Babe, I’m not feeling well,” while we were already arguing, he responded:
“What do you want me to do? This is the consequence of everything you’re doing to me. Go to the hospital then.”
He didn’t check on me afterward.
He didn’t ask if I was okay.
He didn’t show concern.
He later posted shade while I was sitting at his cousin’s graduation.
I don’t know why I kept excusing those moments.
After I blocked him, he started texting and calling me from different numbers.
This is one of the texts he sent me:
“Why you’re acting like we’re enemies. I would not call if it was not important. We still have things that we handle together. I need just one minute.”
Then he called my mom.
He sounded upset and told her she shouldn’t have told me to block him. He kept saying, “We’re not enemies,” and told her, “I didn’t do anything and she blocked me.”
When my mom mentioned insurance, instead of explaining the issue, he asked how she even knew about it.
That was the moment something clicked.
If this were really about logistics, why wasn’t the conversation about logistics?

Instead, it became about the fact that I blocked him.
He’s still framing everything as my fault.
Even me blocking him is somehow me hurting him, even though he literally ignored me for five days, he was the one who first wanted space and a breakup, and he repeatedly told me he wanted peace.
He wanted distance when it was his decision.
Now that I’ve created distance to protect myself, suddenly it’s a problem.

The thing that keeps confusing me is this:
If I was so toxic…
If I was so incompatible…
If I was such a terrible girlfriend…
Why is he calling my mom?
Why is he texting me from different numbers?
Why does he suddenly need access to me?
Last week I asked him why he was acting like I was his enemy.
He looked me in the face and said,
“You are.”
Now he’s texting me asking why we’re acting like enemies.
I still love him.

I miss him every day.

My attachment system is absolutely activated, and this has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
But reading everyone’s comments made me realize that missing someone doesn’t automatically mean they’re safe for me.
I’m beginning to understand that wanting access to me isn’t the same thing as taking accountability.
Even after everything, he still told my mom he “didn’t do anything.”
He still isn’t acknowledging the tracker, the control, the financial issues, the comments about submission, the things he said to me when I was sick, or the way he made me feel small.
Right now my plan is to keep all communication, if absolutely necessary, in writing and only about genuine logistical matters.

Please be gentle with me.
I still cry.
I still miss him.
I still wonder if I made the right decision.

But for the first time in a long time, I also feel like I’m starting to see the relationship for what it really was instead of only remembering the good moments.
I have one honest question for those of you who have been through this:

Do you think he’s doing all of this because he genuinely loves and misses me, or because he misses having access to me and is struggling with the fact that I finally set a boundary?
I’m genuinely asking because I don’t want false hope, but I also don’t want to become cynical. I’d really appreciate hearing from people who have lived through something similar.

Throwaway because this is extremely personal and identifying. I may delete this later. I’m 24F and my boyfriend is 34M. We’ve been together almost 4 years and met at church. I’ll call him “G.”
I want to be fair: I know I have emotional regulation issues. I have anxiety/ADHD and abandonment fears. When I feel someone pulling away, I panic. I have begged, called too much, overexplained, sought reassurance repeatedly, struggled to give space, and let my emotions get bigger than I wanted them to. I’m in therapy and trying to work on this. I’m not pretending I’m perfect.
But I feel like the whole story has become about my reactions, while his behavior gets minimized or excused.
There have been control issues. He has described himself as the leader of the relationship and has said/implied that if I go out without letting him know, he will react a certain way. He has had issues with me going out alone and with other men seeing/wanting me. At one point, after I came back from 3 months of leave in Florida, he put a tracker in my car.
Before that leave, we had a major fight where I asked him to take his clothes and leave my apartment because he wasn’t helping me pay rent and things were bad. He treated it like I “kicked him out,” punished me by not speaking to me for about 8 days, and took his money out of our joint bank account.
I was crying so much and under so much stress that I ended up needing serious medical/mental health support. My parents were almost begging me to leave him. They told me he wasn’t good for me and that he says mean things to me.
While I was in Florida, I got better. I started going to the gym and felt more stable. When I came back, he was all over me again, and then the tracker situation happened. We went to therapy after that because he was scared, but in therapy he minimized his role and would say things like, “I never did that.” We didn’t finish the therapy series because in his mind, he doesn’t really need it.
I work in healthcare, I’m applying to PA school, and I’m under a lot of stress trying to keep my life together. He recently got accepted into a graduate program and didn’t even tell me at first because he accused me of not believing in him and stressing him out. At that time, I was still dealing with the emotional fallout from the tracker situation.
Last week, he had been cold with me all day and I became so distressed that I ended up in the ED. I was dehydrated, needed IV fluids, and couldn’t work. I called him 21 times telling him I was sick and in the ED. I know calling 21 times is not healthy, and I take accountability for that. But he turned his phone off and went to sleep. That hurt because I felt like my panic was being judged without anyone looking at what triggered it.
Recently, after another serious argument, I was crying and begging. He knew I was devastated, lonely, exhausted from long healthcare shifts, and not okay. He tried to call my mom, but she didn’t answer. Later he said the only reason he wasn’t calling my mom was because he didn’t want my job or life to be in jeopardy. Then he said something like, “Stay in your corner and do the work, and I’ll stay in mine.” After that, he didn’t speak to me for about 3 days.
The most recent argument started because I told him I wasn’t feeling well. He said, “What can I do? If you’re not feeling well, go to the hospital.” Maybe that sounds practical, but it felt cold and dismissive. I didn’t feel comforted. I felt like my pain was an inconvenience.
I feel like I poured my life, time, emotions, and money into this person. I loved him before the car, before the business, before the graduate program, before everything. I loved him for him. I lent him about $4,000 for his car and about $3,000 for his business. I bought him gifts, supported his business opening, showed up for his family, was there when his cousin gave birth, helped with his cousin’s child, drove his younger female cousin to her graduation so she could make it in time to walk, cooked, adjusted, and tried to be useful and supportive in his world.
But during conflict, he has minimized my sacrifices. He called me cheap and called my sacrifices cheap. He asked where I was when he needed chairs put up for his business. He said or implied I didn’t support his business, even though I loaned him money. He also said I never wanted him to open his business because I was jealous that other women would want him. Then he turned around and said he sacrificed more for me.
He has called me crazy and selfish. He has said he could have a normal relationship with other women because there is something wrong with me. When I got another cat, he got upset and said, “You can treat animals well but not me.” It feels like everything becomes evidence that I’m failing him.
There is also a family dynamic. I’m not saying every member of his family is bad, because there are people I genuinely care about. But overall, I feel like his family system protects him and frames him as the victim while my reactions become the focus. His own sister has struggled emotionally in that family system, and from what I understand, he treated her harshly and framed her as unstable instead of supporting her. His sister-in-law told me she wouldn’t recommend him to her friends because he is “too hard,” and that other women probably wouldn’t tolerate him the way I did.
Yesterday, I drove his younger female cousin to her graduation. Because I picked her up, she made it in time to walk. I saw him there. He said hi, then completely ignored me. During this same period, while he knew I was emotionally devastated and while I was literally helping his family, he posted a story saying:
“Accountability. A simple word that many struggle with, and for which they pay a heavy price for having ignored its definition 😊.”
That felt directed at me because the conflict had been framed as me needing accountability, even though I had been begging, crying, working long shifts, and still showing up for his family. Later that night, he texted me: “It was good to see you. I hope you continue to take care of yourself. Good night.” It felt soft but distant, with no apology or repair.
I also regret that in my pain, I spoke to one of his older male cousins, who is a church elder, and told him I was hurt that G hadn’t spoken to me for 3 days. Later I texted that cousin asking him to please give it a few days before approaching G because I felt I had approached him at the wrong time. I know involving family was messy, but I was overwhelmed and looking for someone mature to understand that I was hurting too.
I know I need to take accountability. I know begging, calling repeatedly, and panicking are unhealthy. But I also feel like his silence, control, dismissiveness, and harshness fuel my anxiety, and then my reaction becomes the only thing anyone focuses on.
I’m not asking people to decide who is right or wrong. I know I have emotional regulation issues and I am actively working on them in therapy. What I need help with is understanding how to protect myself now.
For people who have been in relationships with silence, control, blame-shifting, or emotional punishment: how did you start rebuilding your self-worth? How did you stop chasing reassurance from someone who kept hurting you? What boundaries helped you finally stand up for yourself?
I still love him, but I’m exhausted and I don’t want to keep losing myself trying to prove I’m worthy of tenderness.
How do I take accountability for my emotional reactions without accepting blame for everything he did too?
TL;DR: I’m 24F and my boyfriend is 34M. We’ve been together almost 4 years and met at church. I know I’m emotional/anxious and have begged/called too much during conflict. But he has put a tracker in my car, punished me with silence, minimized therapy, called me crazy/selfish/cheap, called my sacrifices cheap, accepted thousands of dollars and major support from me, made me feel controlled, turned his phone off when I was in the ED, and recently told me to “stay in my corner and do the work.” I’m looking for advice on rebuilding my self-worth, setting boundaries, and figuring out how to stop chasing someone whose behavior keeps making my anxiety worse.

Throwaway because this is extremely personal and identifying. I may delete this later. I’m 24F and my boyfriend is 34M. We’ve been together almost 4 years and met at church. I’ll call him “G.”

I want to be fair: I know I have emotional regulation issues. I have anxiety/ADHD and abandonment fears. When I feel someone pulling away, I panic. I have begged, called too much, overexplained, asked for reassurance repeatedly, and struggled to give space. I’m in therapy and trying to work on this. I’m not pretending I’m perfect.

But I feel like the whole story has become “I’m the problem,” while his role gets minimized.
There have been control issues. He has described himself as the leader of the relationship and has said/implied that if I go out without letting him know, he will react a certain way. He has had issues with me going out alone and with other men seeing/wanting me. At one point, after I came back from 3 months of leave in Florida, he put a tracker in my car. Before that leave, we had a major fight where I asked him to take his clothes and leave my apartment because he wasn’t helping me pay rent and things were bad. He treated it like I “kicked him out,” punished me by not speaking to me for about 8 days, and took his money out of our joint bank account.

While I was in Florida, I got better. I started going to the gym and felt more stable. When I came back, he was all over me again, and then the tracker situation happened. We went to therapy after that because he was scared, but in therapy he minimized his role and would say things like, “I never did that.” We didn’t finish the therapy series because in his mind, he doesn’t really need it.

My parents have almost begged me to leave him. They say he isn’t good for me and that he says mean things to me. The stress has gotten so bad that I’ve needed serious medical/mental health support during the relationship.
Last week, he had been cold with me all day and I became so distressed that I ended up in the ED. I was dehydrated, needed IV fluids, and couldn’t work. I called him 21 times telling him I was sick and in the ED. I know calling 21 times is not healthy, and I take accountability for that. But he turned his phone off and went to sleep. That hurt because I felt like my panic was being judged without anyone looking at what triggered it.

Recently, after another serious argument, I was crying and begging. He knew I was devastated, lonely, exhausted from long healthcare shifts, and not okay. He tried to call my mom, but she didn’t answer. Later he said the only reason he wasn’t calling my mom was because he didn’t want my job or life to be in jeopardy. Then he said something like, “Stay in your corner and do the work, and I’ll stay in mine.” After that, he didn’t speak to me for about 3 days.
The most recent argument started because I told him I wasn’t feeling well. He said, “What can I do? If you’re not feeling well, go to the hospital.” Maybe that sounds practical, but it felt cold and dismissive. I didn’t feel comforted. I felt like my pain was an inconvenience.

I feel like I poured my life, time, emotions, and money into this person. I loved him before the car, before the business, before the graduate program, before everything. I lent him about $4,000 for his car and about $3,000 for his business. I bought him gifts, supported his business opening, showed up for his family, was there when his cousin gave birth, helped with his cousin’s child, drove his younger female cousin to her graduation so she could make it in time to walk, cooked, adjusted, and tried to be useful and supportive in his world.

But during conflict, he has minimized my sacrifices. He called me cheap and called my sacrifices cheap. He asked where I was when he needed chairs put up for his business. He said or implied I didn’t support his business, even though I loaned him money. He also said I never wanted him to open his business because I was jealous that other women would want him. Then he turned around and said he sacrificed more for me.

He has called me crazy and selfish. He has said he could have a normal relationship with other women because there is something wrong with me. When I got another cat, he got upset and said, “You can treat animals well but not me.” It feels like everything becomes evidence that I’m failing him.

There is also a family dynamic. I’m not saying every member of his family is bad, because there are people I genuinely care about. But overall, I feel like his family system protects him and frames him as the victim while my reactions become the focus. His own sister has struggled emotionally in that family system, and from what I understand, he treated her harshly and framed her as unstable instead of supporting her. His sister-in-law told me she wouldn’t recommend him to her friends because he is “too hard,” and that other women probably wouldn’t tolerate him the way I did.

Yesterday, I drove his younger female cousin to her graduation. Because I picked her up, she made it in time to walk. I saw him there. He said hi, then completely ignored me. During this same period, while he knew I was emotionally devastated and while I was literally helping his family, he posted a story saying:
“Accountability. A simple word that many struggle with, and for which they pay a heavy price for having ignored its definition 😊.”

That felt directed at me because the conflict had been framed as me needing accountability, even though I had been begging, crying, working long shifts, and still showing up for his family. Later that night, he texted me: “It was good to see you. I hope you continue to take care of yourself. Good night.” It felt soft but distant, with no apology or repair.
I also regret that in my pain, I spoke to one of his older male cousins, who is a church elder, and told him I was hurt that G hadn’t spoken to me for 3 days. Later I texted that cousin asking him to please give it a few days before approaching G because I felt I had approached him at the wrong time. I know involving family was messy, but I was overwhelmed and looking for someone mature to understand that I was hurting too.

I know I need to take accountability. I know begging, calling repeatedly, and panicking are unhealthy. But I also feel like his silence, control, dismissiveness, and harshness fuel my anxiety, and then my reaction becomes the only thing anyone focuses on.
Am I the main problem because I’m too emotional? Or is this a dynamic where my anxiety is being fueled by someone who is controlling, emotionally unavailable, and punitive?

Would you consider “stay in your corner and do the work” a breakup, a request for space, or emotional punishment?

People keep saying I’m too pretty to let a man do this, that I work, pay my own rent, my own car, that I should know my worth but it’s hard. How can I navigate this?

TL;DR: I’m 24F and my boyfriend is 34M. We’ve been together almost 4 years and met at church. I know I’m emotional/anxious and have begged/called too much during conflict. But he has put a tracker in my car, punished me with silence, minimized therapy, called me crazy/selfish/cheap, called my sacrifices cheap, accepted thousands of dollars and major support from me, made me feel controlled, turned his phone off when I was in the ED, and recently told me to “stay in my corner and do the work.” I’m trying to figure out how to navigate this issue. It’s stressing me out and I’m not eating.