u/Choice-Internet-7445

Today the sun shines, the birds are singing and the trees are dancing...

But I am exhausted in so many ways. Not sleeping enough and bad dreams can do that...

I miss you, but i don't know if you miss me. I've felt this way for well over a year now.

I shouldn't look too much into dreams, too, but i absolutely hate it when I dream all these wonderful dreams of us, only for it to swiftly change into darkness.

You're there now (in my dreams) texting others, i may as well be transparent.

But... that's kind of how I feel in reality, right? I just feel broken. And I needed you. I still do. Especially recently.

I don't want to sound desperate, because I know your heart is with another most likely, or many others...

But I had hope for us even here, and now i'm not sure. Sure, we can be platonic, but i realize that will probably hurt us both in the long run.

I'm stuck in a hard place with this. I've already reached out, so the ball is in your court, but yeah, i'm just unsure. I still want us to talk, even if it's briefly.. if you wish.

I do know this: you will always mean the world to me. You can always trust me if you ever need someone to lean on. And I will love you forever.

I didn't prove my trust in the past, but things have changed. I no longer confide in the ones I thought i could trust.

So the only one who will know is God. I love you, always, regardless of our distance, even if it does mean I don't get to hug you until The End.

Based on reality here and now, not in the past nor in the future.

Of course you never loved me like i love you.

We stared deeply into each others eyes for ages, and many other things in the past, but i shouldn't assume that meant you were in love with me.

I am so stupid.

I love too deeply and I have to accept the reality that you don't feel the same way.

This is so incredibly hard for me. It's like someone has shattered my heart into pieces.

And that someone was me.

I think there must be something wrong with me, because from the moment we started talking I felt like I was finally home.

From the moment we spoke.

Do you know, i haven't forgotten? The days we talked online before meeting in person... the excitement and happiness I felt waking up knowing i'd get to talk to you...

Then when I met you, I knew you were the one.

How can I even explain that to people? I'm grateful for the hundreds and hundreds of days I got to see you afterward, but darn, wish it was thousands. No, zillions. Infinite time with you.

I know one day we will be in each others company, but can we start that now?

Everyday without you feels strange. And it's been over a year. Yet, you're still on my mind and heart as soon as I wake up and as soon as I go to bed.

I love you, and miss you, these are the words i'm too scared to say. (Atleast, some of them).❤️

When you walked in the door, and you came rushing down and locked your eyes on me...

When you and I held hands, and it felt like time itself stopped just for us to embrace and forever remember that moment...

When you smiled, it may as well have been like you were a rare star uncommonly seen by the human eye...

When you and I danced, nothing else mattered in that moment apart from pure joy... I had to stop to look at you, because I was mesmerized by your moves...

Ahhh... there is so much more to say, but i'd rather say it all to you.

These are just tiny chapters of our huge book together, and the rest is unwritten...

But not finished, not completely...

Because I know He is the one who has the rest of the story.

Even if it's not here... (I hope so, though)

Thank you for being you. I don't just love who I was with you, I love you.

And I think that's more than enough.

That's all. I'm really sorry. There are things i'm sad about i can't disclose even here. My pain is better, it's not severe anymore and i'm thankful to God.

I'm also aware of my vulnerability here. But what can you do, when you can't open up to anyone around you fully, without fearing being judged or misunderstood?

So I met nice people on here, thank you for your prayers. Thank you to my family, too.

Jesus please give me hope.

That you've probably moved on. I don't even know if you frequent these, probably not, wishful thinking...

But if you do, i'm really not doing well - physically, mentally or emotionally. And I could use a friend right now.

I'm scared of ending up in hospital again. I've had severe physical pain in the past, and i have conditions now that make me weary of that, as you know...

My head is hurting. I think i hurt it recently, and I have to just trust God for healing if it is in His will.

I'm so tired. Of physical pain. Of severe ptsd. It's bringing me down...

I said yesterday that you're better off without me, and it's true, you are...

But i'm also kind of desperate right now, and you're the only friend in this town that I could fully open up to and trust, without holding back, even though we haven't been in each others lives awhile.

My body is not doing good. And I have to write this here, because I have no one apart from God to talk to at this exact moment, and if anyone here is a believer or even not, please pray for my body 😔 it would be appreciated 🙏🙏

I love you, that's all I want you to know.

It doesn't need to be reciprocated, but acknowledged, even silently, so you know how incredible you are.

If you never respond to me, I will understand completely, because even if every part of my heart is holding on to you... onto us...

If you are happier without me, how could I not want that for you?

If you're happier with someone else.

Because even if I do get jealous, or upset, or confused at you potentially moving on with someone else...

I have no right to continue knocking at the door to your heart.

So i'm sorry for knocking at your door, waiting for the door to open...

Because you closed it for a reason.

And I fear that it'll never be opened by you, even if selfishly, I want you to.

But it is for the better, i tell myself, that you keep it closed.

For my misery is mine alone, and it's something no human can handle - so i'll leave the rest in God's hands, not knowing where or if I am going anywhere on this earth.

All the best to you.

I just need to let this out **somewhere**

I can't tell you about these things because you're not here

You mean so much to me but you also deserve better not someone who has severe mental health issues because of severe trauma.

I can't hold on anymore i'm at my wits end and i'm completely scarred from everything that has happened to me and my loved ones

I'm sorry I know you've been through terrible things too and i want to be there for you

Just sick of the world and injustice in this twisted earth.

I know we shouldn't despise what is good on this earth like love and God's creation and I don't, but i'm sick of evil

I **hate** evil

And what they don't tell you is how **hard** it is to forgive people who tried to take your life. Who hurt you in unbearable ways and SA'd you while doing so because there's no good in them whatsoever

How hard it is to forgive people who have done this to me and my loved ones

I'm sick of this

I wish I could take your hand, tell you everything is going to be okay...

Even if the okay moments are raindrops falling on a leaf... the feeling of wet moss on a rock... the trees swaying in the wind... the clouds forming various shapes and sizes. Moving with the wind... in sync. Sound familiar?

I am truly sorry. I hurt you, and you hurt me...

Can I be honest?

My insecurities made it so hard to tell whether you liked me or not.. but for years, you were giving me mixed signals. Not in a manipulative way, though...

So, i'm here. If you want to come and join my little bubble, i'd love that...

And if not, the memories of us are like a fire that will never be put out. The embers burn brighter and brighter as years go by.

I would rather stay in my love for you, from now until eternity.

❤️

'Hi'

~

'I wrote you a letter... it's not that great, but, here'

Thank you for your grace that covers us through Jesus Christ and His sacrifice for all humankind.

You have shown me you want the whole world to come to know you and be saved.

How gracious and loving you are Lord, more than we could understand.

You didn't come for perfect people - you came for humans. We're all imperfect. But His grace is made perfect in our weaknesses.

I've held myself up to a standard of perfection i could never possibly meet, and I know I'm not the only one.

Father, help us to hear Your truth. Help us to release the need for perfection in ourselves and everyone.

Please guide our paths to Your will for our lives, and protect us from the unseen and seen battles we face daily.

Jesus is shooting His arrows at the enemy for us. When we pray, and truly believe, nothing, nothing at all is impossible with Him.

Even if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, as Jesus said.

Remember- the darkness is terrified of His light. Because it knows God's the one who has authority over all. He has won the battle. He is to be feared above all.

And trusted above all. So don't fear little ones, for Jesus is with you.

'Ask, and you will receive. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened for you.'

Help our faith not to waiver, but to strengthen in each day and each moment O Lord.

Heal our hearts, our minds and bodies that are afflicted within us and quiet our spirits that stir within us.

Thank you Father for everything 🙏

In Jesus's Name,

Amen

To anyone lately. I've left my friends on read, because i don't know how to communicate with them right now. (I'm sorry)

I don't know how to talk to anyone.

They say it's 'normal' to be in love with more than one person...

So am I abnormal? I only love you in that way.

What's wrong with me? Why did I hear you coming near, but now you're hiding again?

I'm heartbroken. When it was just us, it was like fireworks. When I saw your smile, it was like seeing a shooting star or a planet far away.

I used to say to myself I want to live in Pluto with you, and I meant it.

Yes I still feel you thinking of me, but i also don't understand at the same time... why the back and forth, up and down and spinning around?

Do you want me to put my full heart on display again? Well. That's daunting to me. Especially because we're not talking...

Okay okay. I don't believe in some things, but I believe in God. I have learned to be overly cautious trusting in only His wisdom and complete truth because He is more than trustworthy.

I know nothing is impossible with Him. I know that we truly do have a connection from Him. But I don't understand why, when all I hear is silence from your end?

Atleast, in my dreams, we were talking and more... and now, it's just silence. But tbh - i'd rather talk and be with you in person.

Dreams are just dreams. Yes, some can be from God Himself - i wholeheartedly believe that.

But some definitely aren't.

So why with you, in reality and in dreams, did it feel so real?

Can you be truthful to me?

Why did you linger staring deeply into my eyes, after hanging out? So many times...

Why why why why why why.

I know I can't question these things, for He knows better than I.

I just wish I had some clarity.

I don't know how to tag this... sad love, unrequited, desired, I love you?

Well... lately, it's felt sad...

You don't realize how much you mean to me. I can't properly express through messages, or words, the love I have for you.

I've written countless letters (unsent) to you, yet none of them can even match the love i have for you.

The reason it's sad is because... you confused me, honestly.

Why did you stare into my eyes like you were staring into the sky full of constellations, or better yet, like you were staring at a bright, full moon?

Who am I to you, truly? Can you tell me? I feel your love, even after all this time.

How can I explain everything to you, when you won't let me in? How can I express my love for you, truly, when you and I aren't face to face, let alone speaking at all?

It'd be better if i saw you, and I could let it out finally. I'd probably cry, (as that seems to be a reoccurring thing) when I see you

Not in a bad way, but because you're the only human i felt i could truly let it out with. Which is rare, for me anyway.

Those countless days, months and years we spent together will always remain in my heart.

It breaks me apart because i'm scared, and because of your silence, my fears creep up and say;

'You're not good enough' 'they will never forgive you' 'of course he doesn't want you in his life'...

'He's fallen for someone else..' but then. That makes no sense. I feel you tugging at our thread, the one He placed between us, so I know you're thinking of me too.

So why the silence?

Everything sucks lately, i've been trying to hold onto the good things - but everything else sucks that isn't love, nature, animals, God, family...

Nightmares. Trauma. Atleast I know God is true, and He is so good, full of love and compassion for His children.

I'm so tired though. The affliction I have been through is unbearable.

Then you showed up. And you made a difference, when I lost hope of trusting (fully) another human being...

I'm sorry for how I go back and forth in my heart... I don't know if you realize the silence echoes whispers that haunt me.

That when I think of you, or dream of you, or remember any memory of you... I feel at peace. Even if it breaks my heart at times.

I don't get that with people you know? Please come back 😢

My life has been extremely hard. Since I was little, I've cried so much I feel it could fill an entire ocean.

You mean so much to me.

You always will. But, I don't know if you will or won't be in my life again on this earth...

So I need to stop coming here. I hope you understand if you are here. You know how to contact me if you wish.

I've been struggling with so much. People have hurt me deeply, and I'm trying to find a space, with God's help, to heal.

I believe in Him and His promises. I will keep holding on. If I told you everything that happened, you may understand...

But I never got the chance to. Anyway, most of all, I want you to be happy - and if that is without me, I will understand.

I'm mentally unwell, but my faith has been renewed and I want to do His will above all.

So no matter what, we should always put our trust in Him.

Whenever something bad happens, you're the one I want to reach out to. The same when something good happens, or i notice something I know you'd love.

I'm not very good with words lately. My brain feels all scrambled. But i'm here, underneath this anger, which is actually sadness...

I'm not angry at you, though.

If I see you around, I will smile at you, even if you don't smile back.

I love you, but i must leave this place soon, as it is becoming unhealthy to look through these posts hoping one of them is you.

Even writing many posts feels unhealthy to an extent. I thought it was therapeutic, but honestly, i'd rather show you the letters. Not just write them secretly.

Whether it's good or bad, I just want clarity. But maybe you already gave it to me with your silence.

Sadly,

Yours

This will be short, as i am very tired and emotionally exhausted

I love you. I want us to grow old together, hand in hand. I know you may have not felt similarly, but your eyes...

They told me stories long past and yet to come. You will always mean so much to me.

Jesus showed me that we are meant to be connected. I hold onto that you know? The thread he placed between us. The love He has demonstrated. The love you have, too, even if you were unaware...

Of the impact you had on me. It's not everyday someone meets someone who matches their energy, their life, their being...

Well, not for me. Not this deeply. Jesus gave us this.

So I will wait at the door for you, whether it be this door or the door when we're finally with Him. Home.

But even here, He has good plans for us. So I need to surrender this all to Him.

You are with me in my heart.

I carry your heart with me,

And you carry mine.

We are saved by the blood of the Lamb.

Thank you God.

I feel full of fear, awe, wonder and love for you...

You came to me at my moment of weakness. I was filling my heart with things that were meaningless, things that lost meaning over time...

I was always searching for You, even in the darkness.

But you showed up, and you continue to without hesitation. I'm filled with wonder by You and Your presence. Your love.

David said 'Your unfailing love is better than life itself' and I wholeheartedly agree. 'Be still in the Presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.'

This is important I realize. Anytime I am in Your presence... words can't even describe, or couldn't even match the beauty of You.

It's like a wee glimpse of what's to come. That feeling. When God opens up all your senses in every which way and suddenly the trees swaying in the wind lead your path. It's Him.

Or a bird comes up and greets you, especially in your moment of despair, and you feel seen. And connected to this wee bird. It's Him.

Your creatures and creation are their own being, but they also emanate your spirit Lord.

We are all one in Jesus Christ.

A church might've told you, 'No, we don't welcome your kind here.' 'We judge these people because...'

'You better change or bad things will happen to you.'

Don't listen to them. Jesus said, “Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.”

He is in all of us.

There is not one left out of His sight.

You are not too far gone, not too bad, not too sinful.

We are all sinners. Jesus said everyone, and He wants everyone to come to Him as they are.

Not perfect. Not sinless. He died for our sins. God knew in His wisdom no human could be made right with God.

So He sent His son, to die for us, because of His love for us.

You are saved by belief alone. He paid it all. You are free. Don't hold onto that heavy guilt, give it to Him.

Remember Isaiah. He came undone in the presence of God, and said 'It's all over! I am doomed, for I am a sinful man. I have filthy lips, and I live among a people with filthy lips. Yet I have seen the King, the Lord of Heaven's Armies.'

Then a seraphim flew to Isaiah with a burning coal he had taken from the altar with a pair of tongs, touched his lips with it and said 'See, this coal has touched your lips. Now your guilt is removed, and your sins are forgiven.'

He's got you. He's got us. ❤️ Lord, Help us to reflect your character more and more, while also releasing the need for perfection. Thank you for all you do, all you have done and all you will do.

The known...

Fear sometimes... no, often, speaks louder than anything.

Meditating in God's creation soothes my spirit, mind and body.

I feel like I need to be in nature for several hours everyday. To heal. I know He was healing me in the past, so I believe He can again.

You. The unknown...

Yet known. I don't know if I will ever hear from you again, or if our paths will cross, but I carry around a little lantern just for you.

Because God gave me hope for us.

That we will be in each others lives again, one day, even if it isn't on this side.

I've never loved anyone as deeply as I love you.

Life doesn't feel as bright without you.

So I carry around your light, and His light with me.

Hoping and praying that day will come soon.

Ahhh. I'm either going absolutely crazy (which, you know, i already am)

Or there is a thread between us.

A thread I didn't place, and nor did you...

I think of you often, and I wouldn't have it any other way...

You're the sunshine in my day, when all around me clouds are forming together creating a storm...

Okay. The footsteps. I know how you walk, talk, laugh, everything. I observed you, not in a creepy way, but in a loving way when we were fortunate enough to see each other everyday. (Well, I was)

Even when we weren't.

I know your footsteps. The sound of them.

I was all alone on the beach today walking, and I heard your footsteps. How you sometimes kind of drag them (hehe), depending on your mood of course...

You have different ways of walking. I noticed that, too.

Honestly, it made me a bit worried because I know you drag them more when you're depressed... or stressed, tired...

Anyway, my love, I heard ya. I looked around thinking 'what the heck' there was literally no one near me.

Things like this don't ever happen. I mean, sometimes I hear your voice too, but there was only one certain time I did, and God said afterward that He allowed it.

You said 'I'm having a really bad day' and I knew in that instant, it was you. (This was quite awhile ago)

I hear Him, too. This isn't me boasting. It's me being trying to be bold, in the hopes that you'll see this letter before I take it down eventually.

He has connected us for a reason.

So i'm here for you, even as just a friend, even if that means I admire you from afar silently.

My soul misses yours.