u/Choice_Crazy9550

Watched Top Gun again today. the first one. they have both of ’em in theaters for the 40th anniversary. I first watched maverick in 2022 when it came out and I instantly thought I wanted to be a pilot, preferably military because it fits. I’ve always wanted to be in the military, multiple family members were vets, and then I could also be a pilot. dream secured, yeah? study hard everything I’ll need to know, do what I can until college and stuff?

nah. not only are we now all barred from ever being deployed in the military because “history of gender dysphoria and gender affirming care”, but if I were to get phalloplasty or anything, something I’ve fucking dreamed of for just as long, no way I’d get to be a pilot. Things would have to align so perfectly for maybe even a shot at being a military pilot and ever having any sort of gac. It isn’t gonna happen when it’s my time to start working on getting to the military. no way.

Living in this world is a damn curse. Choose to have a penis and more testosterone, as a guy, or pursue your dream career and have to be a “woman”? fuck no. I can’t live as a “woman” and I haven’t had any desire to be. Nobody even gives a damn about this dilemma in my family. My mom hangs onto the idea I’m gonna change. No, I’m just gonna be out of her life if she keeps this shit up.

No career I want to pursue is one that I can. Sports? No way all the people who hate all trans athletes would be quiet. If I compete in the mens and got a decent place, they’d claim I’m at an advantage for taking T. if I didn’t get too high of a place? “it because women are so weak compared to men! They get their asses handed to them!”. military of any kind? can‘t with these laws. I already lacked hope for the future, this just brings the numbers down to zero. good thing I have a secure career path of rotting in bed until I die lmao. all I’ve ever been allowed to do.

Not sure if anyone else here talks or knows about blunt force type of stuff, but it can’t hurt to try and find help. my hand was fractured a few years back from other things but recently I’ve been hitting or punching a lot of stuff when I’m upset, along with banging my head. I can’t help it, really, I hit the car door when I was with my mom and brother, just today.

I’m so afraid of breaking my hand again, because how do I explain that? Some fracture and “I just don’t know how it happened”? sure. my mom already thinks I’m a liar a lot of the time. some hair got broken off so it’s visibly shorter? “he cut it!”. my family would probably blame me for hurting myself instead of fixing the problems that they can. Probably rather send me to a mental hospital than to help me when I beg for it. I’m trying to get back to therapy but I think I’m gonna break my hand again before that’s all figured out.

how do I fucking control myself? It’s just instinct at this point. slam your head back, forward, punch whatever hard surface is near, whatever. Like autopilot, it hurts. my hand already aches how it did when I broke it, but it’s not quite broken again.

every day feels like a ship sinking and settling deeper into the sea. my mom doesn’t “believe in minors being trans”, she thinks the stats and professionals are all there to guilt you into “transitioning your kids”. yet she still claims to love me? both can’t be true at once.

I can’t keep playing this stupid “game” with her. my body feels numb and I feel more physically ill than ever. it feels like I’m dying and they refuse to help me. my mental health goes further to shit every day, I just need someone to listen to me. she yelled at my older sister trying to help me talk to her about this stuff. probably not even if my final words were demanding to be respected, would she accept it. I’m still not gonna die anytime soon, then I couldn’t defend my honor.

and she can fuck off with trying to ignore it all. “we’ll talk” sure. where’s this conversation? It has been almost 6 months. Half a year. before that you had multiple years to face reality. she can yell and yell all she wants any time I bring it up, she’s just beckoning me towards my own grave. would it still be “guilting” to her if I actually died? can’t even say I’d be another statistic, she’d probably bury me in a dress.

I really don’t know that much about blockers but I want to so I can convince my parents. for one, I wanna know what they might be able to do for a trans guy at 14-15, I think I heard that they could stop the hips from widening further, stop breast growth, and possibly keep the growth plates open a bit longer if they are still. all of those are my main concerns about the current puberty, so if that’s true, it would be a strong point in my “argument“. I’ve expressed to both of my parents I don’t want any further breast or hip growth, and that I really want to be taller, even outside of trans related conversations. I doubt my growth plates are truly closed because I think I grew a couple cm semi recently when I got my diet in check and started taking my supplements.

secondly, I wanna know side effects and stuff (with credible sources), so I can give them true pros and cons. my dad is in the medical field but of course not in the trans medical field, so he’s cautious (like he and my mom both were with antidepressant, but I got to take those with some convincing), while my mom thinks they’re illegal (I know that they are not in our state, and have told her) and that minors shouldn’t have gac because “they don’t know” (implying they can’t go back on puberty blockers, which I’ve said isn’t true, but I still need credible sources to help my word. sometimes when I give sources and research it may cause them to go back on their anti-whatever views).

it‘s pretty hard to find info about it that isn’t flooded by politically charged stuff, or from the google ai stuff. I want personal experiences and truthful research, not middle aged men giving bullcrap stats lol (like saying gac has a high regret rate, obviously untrue).

nsfw for talking about phallo and abuse/sa stuff I guess, idk.

I’m not even near the age I’d be able to get phallo (got a couple years left to go, I really pray I make it) but I’m already thinking about how f’ed this is.

I’m a man, I want a penis, I should have one.

Nobody takes this seriously enough. I pack with socks and it at least makes me feel normal for a bit, till I go to the bathroom and forget I’m packing because I should have a penis attached to my body. why am I expected to not only wait 18 grueling years, but also pay to have my own “manhood”? Why is packing and wearing men’s underwear “just so weird” (quote from my mom) to people? I’m a man, I’ll wear mens underwear and I’ll use a prosthesis or something similar to serve the purpose of not making me feel like some alien not having a penis.

every time my parents and family force me back into the box of “female”… now I’m not saying this is what it is, but it feels like being abused istg. I mean, if a cis kid were forced to live as the opposite gender by their parents they’d consider that abuse in some legal cases, no? idk. it just gives me the same feelings of just being violated and not having any power to stop it, just as when I was assaulted by a friend. I hate being so powerless, especially in ways I literally can’t do anything. at least with the assault I could just work out. this, I’m just a sitting duck.

People diss on phallo so hard sometimes but I want it so badly. I wouldn’t care if my dick wasn’t one of the most aesthetically pleasing ones. so long as my future wife would be alright with it, that’s all that matters. nobody else would really see my penis.

A few weeks ago I had a dream I got phallo with the (financial) help of some family. I was happy in the dream. unbridled. werent even the “best results” in the dream, but it was my dang penis.

The only bad feeling I had in the dream was that my mom would probably hate me and think of me as a predator if I weren’t her son. she probably will think of me that way in the future, regardless. She already doesn’t like me enough to get me mental help when I’m telling her concerning stuff.