u/CiabattaBata

So.. I’ll be turning 15 in 5 days, and for the last 3 years I’ve been comparing myself to other talented girls online hard. Some days I don’t care, but when I do, it hits me so heavily that it genuinely hurts.

I’ve been playing acoustic guitar for almost 3 years, ukulele for about a year, and I’ve been singing ever since I can remember. I also started taking piano lessons a few months ago (I can play Minuet in G now hehe), and I write my own songs too! both in Tagalog and English.

Whenever I get the chance, I perform my original songs live in front of people. Sometimes during music recitals (I also take voice lessons), or through gigs from a director who discovered me.

The thing is, I haven’t really posted my original songs online yet besides a little lullaby I wrote one night and a small ukulele cover.

I don’t expect to blow up or anything like that. I just wish I had an audience outside of family members or acquaintances. I’m grateful that I get opportunities to perform live because it helps with my stage fright, but online I feel completely invisible.

And that’s where the self-comparison starts.

On YouTube, there are so many young singer-songwriters around my age posting simple bedroom recordings that get hundreds of views and comments. I know this might sound attention-seeking, but it’s honestly not even about the numbers. It’s more the feeling that nobody’s really there. Not a single person has commented on my two singing videos yet.

I know my YouTube account is still very new, but I still catch myself comparing myself to these girls, and I hate doing that because it’s not their fault at all. I already know the usual advice.. "focus on your own growth, don’t compare journeys" and all that. Maybe I’ve just been way too online lately, because last night I read my favorite novel before bed instead of scrolling, and it genuinely calmed me down.

I hate feeling like I have this ego, or like music is some kind of race. Sometimes I wish I started guitar at 6 or 8 years old, but we just didn’t have the money back then. Or I wish I had taken singing seriously at 4 years old.

I don’t know if I’ll ever find my audience online. I don’t even know if there’s an audience meant for me out there.

To sum it all up, I feel inadequate sometimes. I feel like there are girls online who are far more talented than me. And yes, people say to “do it for the love of music itself,” but the reason I love music so much is because it helps me connect with people.

People I haven’t found yet.

And I think that’s what’s been eating at me for the past 3 years.

This is the first time I shared this kind of thought outside my mind.

(Sorry for the long post 😭)

(14 years old) How self critical are you? Here's my story. Earlier, I accidentally opened my old performance video 5 months ago of me singing an original song. I started in the middle of the video where I just sang LOUD. I FELT SO CRINGED, I immediately turned my phone off and let my heart feel heavy from the cringiness.

6 months ago, I for the first time sang for an intermission number at my school's film festival. I sang 2 original songs and that caught the attention of one of the judges who was a director. This opened up a lot of OPPORTUNITIES for me. So the whole month of december was just me stepping over my comfort line over and over, Sang 3 songs in one set, Sang infront of 500+ people (I'm so sorry to those people) I've got stage fright, I still do but it was just my voice.. and my acoustic guitar.

Now the person who always accompanied me along these gigs always recorded my performances. I would rewatch, see where things went wrong, or to just feel proud.

In my second gig, I had to perform an intermission number at a pageant. I looked pretty, I did. But I was nervous AF since I was going to be singing my original song once again. But something gave me courage. When I sang, something clicked. I performed how I felt like I was still writing it. I felt alive. Like I was flying. I was on cloud 9! The audience clapped a lot at the end. And I felt proud. Not because of how loud it was, But because of that freeing feeling.

Aaaandd we're back to the present day. 5 months later. I accidentally viewed my video on facebook, and it started in the middle of my song, I was so loud. I hate it, I feel so much cringe. Maybe i'm being too self critical, I was still very new to performing. But come on. I didn't finish the video, I immediately jerked and turned my phone off before I did.

I wonder. Do you guys still go through this?

Here's how my story went.

I was on ometv, when I finally met somebody I could connect to, He was funny, We shared eachother's thoughts and worries, He mentioned he had a ton of girl(friends) and a girlfriend, So I felt comfortable talking to him. He ended up mentioning his other friends (guys) and through vivid descriptions and one photo of (let's call him pua) I was starstruck. And I told him I liked Pua, so he ended up giving me pua's fb.

~~~~~~~~~~~

A day later, Pua and I started talking. He was a bit duller than I expected, But I still latched on to the idea of him I had curated in my mind. I loved that he played so many sports, I loved that he kept hand sanitizer in his bag everytime they went out.

First day. He was friendly, Casually flirting (the first time a boy I liked did that to me.) albeit very cliché and awkward, It was really cute. So I kept following the trail of candy he left behind.

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Second day, It was still cute and pretty innocent, Even him saying that we were too young to be together, "but maybe in the future" And I liked that. Until later that night when he asked me if I could sing to him with my guitar (He knows I'm a singer-songwriter) over a phone call at 1:something AM. Although I was nervous, I sang to him. Even though I was stumbling over my words and sounded like I had water in my throat.

I forgot exactly how it got to the point where we just started chatting "hmm.." It was funny, so I played along. But after the "are you thinking what i'm thinking?" I knew what he meant. Honestly, That was when I truly felt the saying that goes like "My heart sank" and oh it really did feel like it sank. I cried, "He's just like any other boy."

I kept stalling, kept refusing BUT still making it clear that I liked him. EVEN THOUGH I KNEW that it would have been best to block him. After what felt like forever of me avoiding the request, He eventually stopped and told me that I "passed" the test for our future. This made me respect him even less.. But I still talked to him a day later.

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Third day, I was starting to feel unsure about Pua.

I know what real respectful guys are like. I've seen it in my healthy male friendships (Innocent, They're 2 years younger than me, And friends since childhood!)

I told him about how I felt, and set boundaries whenever he told me "I love you" His only apology to his little test that genuinely terrified me was "I'm sorry you felt that way". This icked me, But our convo after that was innocent, So I held on to the good guy Pua I curated in my mind.

Around evening, he asked me what time I was going to sleep. I didn't know when I was going to sleep? I could be writing something, calling someone, watching something. But I knew he wanted a clear answer, so I told him "10:00 pm?"

Later that night I was on a phone call with my guitar friend! Didn't notice the clock. (It was 9:56 pm) So Pua texted me. I asked him if he wanted to play online golf with me and my friend. He declined but then asked whether my friend was a girl or a boy. I had a feeling in my gut that he'd be jealous. Anyways, I told the truth, BUT reassured him that it's like being friends with a girl.

Long story short, I was the one trying to defend myself, but also reassuring him that I only liked him and him only.

While he was the one who replied short but in a passive aggressive tone.. I blocked him. He made his friend (our mutual) block me back.

Under THREE DAYS, I had a taste of what the future could have been like. This happened a month ago, Even wrote a whole song about it. If I could genuinely have the choice to be me a month ago again. I would have broke his heart so bad, No sugarcoating with how I felt. Sometimes you have to break ballet slippers before you could dance on them beautifully.

My Question Is: Maybe I reacted too much? Maybe i'm in the wrong for being genuine friends with 2 boys I know? (I see a lot of guy's stories here talking about how their girlfriend cheated on them with their boy bestfriends.) Or WHY CAN'T I JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT MAYBE PUA WAS immature.?

I'm sorry if my post was too long. This is my first reddit post 🤕