u/CoffeDaisies

I have noticed that my OCD tends to worsen when I live alone. It started with fears of prions and the clothes I had worn in the hospital, and gradually expanded to fears of contamination spreading through indirect contact, such as furniture corners, water splashes, and droplets transferring contamination further. At its worst, I would wash my hands up to my elbows and wipe surfaces with paper towels, and it could feel as if contamination was present everywhere, making it difficult to use spaces like the kitchen or bathroom normally.

Because of this experience, I felt ambivalent about doing exposure exercises at home. After starting medication, my condition improved dramatically. For me, the home environment is also where OCD has previously escalated the most. I was not particularly fearful of public spaces. Rather, my fears were linked to specific associations such as hospitals or prion-related contamination. I was worried that certain exposures might trigger a “spillover effect.” It had been very severe previously, and if I touched something with “dirty hands,” I would later become afraid even if my hair or T-shirt came into contact with that space. It significantly interfered with my ability to function.

At the same time, I have noticed that I respond better to gradual, smaller steps that allow me to continue using my home and daily spaces. I seem to do better when changes are slow and contained, rather than when exposures feel too intense or open-ended, as this can disrupt my overall functioning.

I have noticed that my OCD tends to significantly worsen when I live alone. I developed a fear of prions and became afraid of the clothes I had worn in the medical facilities. Over time, this fear expanded to more and more situations. For example, I began to fear furniture corners if I was not sure whether I had touched them after contacting something “dangerous.” I would wash my hands and then become worried that water splashes might reach something “dirty,” which could in turn contaminate laundry and other items.

The concerns became more and more complex, including thinking about the trajectory of droplets and whether they could enter wardrobes through small cracks in the door.

I used to wash my hands up to my elbows and clean surfaces with paper towels. It could feel as if the “contamination” was present everywhere, making it difficult for me to use spaces such as the kitchen or bathroom in a normal way. The “spillover of contamination” refers to a process in which contact with one perceived “dirty” object leads to other objects feeling contaminated as well, due to indirect transfer (e.g., through hands, clothing, or movement through space).

At the same time, I was using pyrethroid-based anti-moth products (clothes moth hangers), and I suspect they might have worsened my condition. However, the worsening of my OCD began before I first used them.

"I was afraid of substance A because I had worked in a chemistry lab. I became afraid of my work clothes, washed things excessively, and my fears gradually spread to other objects."

"Are you also afraid of public toilets?"

"Not at all."

It made me wonder: if OCD develops after working in a genuinely hazardous environment, is it still "just" OCD, or is it more like OCD with a trauma component?

I think this situation can be different from the examples people often associate with contamination OCD. Sometimes there is a very clear starting point. The person isn't necessarily afraid of "dirt" in general—they're afraid of something that was once a realistic danger, such as a toxic chemical.

I think that situation can be very tricky. At least for me, touching objects from that period was the last thing I wanted to do. I actually think it helped to create a kind of bottleneck: thoroughly cleaning or discarding items that were genuinely associated with the lab, so my brain could eventually learn that ordinary dirt is just dirt, not a dangerous chemical. I don't mean endless compulsive cleaning, but removing realistic sources of uncertainty.

My fear had generalized. At first it was the things from the lab. Then it became the things that had touched those things, and then the things that had touched those things. At one point I was even afraid of touching the bus that took me to work, because it felt connected to the lab.

Eventually, constantly trying to avoid that bus became exhausting. One day I touched it anyway, and over time I became desensitized. Later I moved out, and the intensity of the fear decreased significantly. I wasn't in therapy at the time. There was some natural exposure happening, but I still remained cautious around what I considered the original source.

Writing it, because I encountered a few people with a similar story.

My therapist wondered whether my parents, when helping to clean my home, were arranging things symmetrically (they weren't). The therapist was concerned because, in the context of OCD, "cleaning" and "help" are two of the most suspicious words.

I just wish the therapist knew how hard I had resisted anyone touching my stuff that had been in the lab. Or how much I had cleaned after someone entered my flat and moved my belongings without my permission (my family had keys at that point).

I think some people can relate to that. In a way, letting people into my space might actually be overcoming a barrier.

So, my OCD sometimes gets worse when I'm not taking medication. Most of the time I'm doing pretty well. I wrote before that I sometimes relapse.

One thing I've noticed is that many descriptions of contamination OCD say that cleaning brings relief. But for me, cleaning also means touching the contamination. Sometimes that's completely fine. However, when my brain chemistry is "out of whack," I become nervous about it. I become super aware of every "dirty" thing my body is touching. Then, if I accidentally touch something clean, I feel the need to "clean" that as well.

My brain goes into a weird state, almost like a trance. I have to clean very slowly and carefully, otherwise my brain won't accept that something is clean. Sometimes I repeat cleaning the same object multiple times (similar to "just-right" OCD). I wipe surfaces with a wet tissue, but if I feel a few water droplets fall from my hands or the tissue onto my body, I feel like they will splash back onto the object and make it dirty again.

It's generally very tiring and anxiety-inducing.

Is this a typical symptom? Sometimes I wonder if I have some next-level contamination OCD, or maybe it's a combination of contamination OCD and "just-right" OCD.

Anyway, I've found a few ways to improve it, and I'd love to discuss them if anyone has similar experiences.

So, my OCD sometimes gets worse when I'm not taking medication. Most of the time I'm doing pretty well. I wrote before that I sometimes relapse.

One thing I've noticed is that many descriptions of contamination OCD say that cleaning brings relief. But for me, cleaning also means touching the contamination. Sometimes that's completely fine. However, when my brain chemistry is "out of whack," I become nervous about it. I become super aware of every "dirty" thing my body is touching. Then, if I accidentally touch something clean, I feel the need to "clean" that as well.

My brain goes into a weird state, almost like a trance. I have to clean very slowly and carefully, otherwise my brain won't accept that something is clean. Sometimes I repeat cleaning the same object multiple times (similar to "just-right" OCD). I wipe surfaces with a wet tissue, but if I feel a few water droplets fall from my hands or the tissue onto my body, I feel like they will splash back onto the object and make it dirty again.

It's generally very tiring and anxiety-inducing.

Is this a typical symptom? Sometimes I wonder if I have some next-level contamination OCD, or maybe it's a combination of contamination OCD and "just-right" OCD.

Anyway, I've found a few ways to improve it, and I'd love to discuss them if anyone has similar experiences.

I once wrote that, for me, contamination is either "yes" or "no," but I think I actually have three degrees of cleanliness.

0 is clean, 2 is "ick," but there is something in between. It's not really scary, but it still makes me think, "Let's wash my hands after touching that."

I'm trying to work on that middle category and teach myself that I can safely touch surfaces, doors, and other everyday objects. It's tricky because I do need some level of cleanliness (for example, no dust or food residue), but at the same time, being \*too\* focused on hygiene can trigger my OCD and activate this "there's something dangerous" response.

If something is a 2, I usually try to get accustomed to it through exposure. Unfortunately, sometimes I still feel the need to "neutralise" it.

Sometimes, though, the "ick" spreads. Someone once described it as being "sticky," and I think that perfectly captures its nature. That's why I was hesitant about doing therapy online. I would have had to do exposures at home, and I was afraid of what would happen if things got out of control.

Again, things had been going well so far, but when I'm on PMS, I guess my brain chemistry changes. I believe serotonin levels are lower. According to some sources serotonin helps regulate the stress response and can dampen the effects of adrenaline. When serotonin is lower, my body seems to stay in a more anxious state, and then any touch or any uncertain surface can make me feel scared. My brain remembers that feeling, and it gets amplified—possibly through overreacting, overcleaning, and other compulsions.

I once wrote that, for me, contamination is either "yes" or "no," but I think I actually have three degrees of cleanliness.

0 is clean, 2 is "ick," but there is something in between. It's not really scary, but it still makes me think, "Let's wash my hands after touching that."

I'm trying to work on that middle category and teach myself that I can safely touch surfaces, doors, and other everyday objects. It's tricky because I do need some level of cleanliness (for example, no dust or food residue), but at the same time, being *too* focused on hygiene can trigger my OCD and activate this "there's something dangerous" response.

If something is a 2, I usually try to get accustomed to it through exposure. Unfortunately, sometimes I still feel the need to "neutralise" it.

Sometimes, though, the "ick" spreads. ChatGPT once described it as being "sticky," and I think that perfectly captures its nature. That's why I was hesitant about doing therapy online. I would have had to do exposures at home, and I was afraid of what would happen if things got out of control.

Again, things had been going well so far, but when I'm on PMS, I guess my brain chemistry changes. I believe serotonin levels are lower. ChatGPT once explained to me that serotonin helps regulate the stress response and can dampen the effects of adrenaline. When serotonin is lower, my body seems to stay in a more anxious state, and then any touch or any uncertain surface can make me feel scared. My brain remembers that feeling, and it gets amplified—possibly through overreacting, overcleaning, and other compulsions.

So, according to the "rules," helping people with OCD is bad. Avoiding certain activities is bad. But doing compulsions is also bad.

It can create a bit of a conflict. For people with contamination OCD, dirt is scary. Cleaning can be scary as well. So, on the one hand, they shouldn't avoid cleaning. On the other hand, cleaning itself can become a compulsion, so they also shouldn't clean excessively.

In ERP, people are encouraged to touch the dirt and not react. I understand the idea behind it, and it can bring a great amount of relief.

The difficult part, which I think some people without OCD might not see, is that even if someone has OCD, if they live alone they still have to wash their pants. They have to make a sandwich and drink a cup of tea. If the cupboards and other everyday objects make them feel afraid, daily life can become extremely difficult. Instead of becoming more relaxed, they just get more and more frightened, and eventually nothing feels clean anymore because everything has touched something else at some point.

Imagine person A, who has severe OCD and lives alone. They have a very dusty attic. They can't clean it because it triggers compulsions, but they also can't leave it as it is. In that situation, I don't think asking someone to clean the attic for them is necessarily a bad idea, as long as the goal is for person A to gradually become comfortable maintaining it themselves in a healthy way. The attic is a metaphor for life.

For me, healthy habits are the key. If I learn that the kitchen cupboard handles are clean, I'm much more likely to touch them and cook. Cooking is very rewarding for me. I might accidentally splash water on myself and learn that nothing happens. I feel safer. I have to wash the dishes anyway. The first time might be scary. By the tenth time, I'll remember that nothing bad happened.

For me, the biggest risk is when I accidentally overreact. I pick up the laundry. Then I touch the wall. Then I wash the wall. Then I feel like there's something dangerous there, and I need to do something about it. That's the pattern that makes my OCD worse.

A therapist can't come and do the laundry for you.

So, according to the "rules," helping people with OCD is bad. Avoiding certain activities is bad. But doing compulsions is also bad.

It can create a bit of a conflict. For people with contamination OCD, dirt is scary. Cleaning can be scary as well. So, on the one hand, they shouldn't avoid cleaning. On the other hand, cleaning itself can become a compulsion, so they also shouldn't clean excessively.

In ERP, people are encouraged to touch the dirt and not react. I understand the idea behind it, and it can bring a great amount of relief.

The difficult part, which I think some people without OCD might not see, is that even if someone has OCD, if they live alone they still have to wash their pants. They have to make a sandwich and drink a cup of tea. If the cupboards and other everyday objects make them feel afraid, daily life can become extremely difficult. Instead of becoming more relaxed, they just get more and more frightened, and eventually nothing feels clean anymore because everything has touched something else at some point.

Imagine person A, who has severe OCD and lives alone. They have a very dusty attic. They can't clean it because it triggers compulsions, but they also can't leave it as it is. In that situation, I don't think asking someone to clean the attic for them is necessarily a bad idea, as long as the goal is for person A to gradually become comfortable maintaining it themselves in a healthy way. The attic is a metaphor for life.

For me, healthy habits are the key. If I learn that the kitchen cupboard handles are clean, I'm much more likely to touch them and cook. Cooking is very rewarding for me. I might accidentally splash water on myself and learn that nothing happens. I feel safer. I have to wash the dishes anyway. The first time might be scary. By the tenth time, I'll remember that nothing bad happened.

For me, the biggest risk is when I accidentally overreact. I pick up the laundry. Then I touch the wall. Then I wash the wall. Then I feel like there's something dangerous there, and I need to do something about it. That's the pattern that makes my OCD worse.

A therapist can't come and do the laundry for you.

I think I had an "exposure with no reaction" moment yesterday. I went to the laundry room, handled my laundry, and then touched the elevator button and the doorknob. Even though I had already cleaned the doorknob, I still felt afraid to touch it. Then I stopped and thought, Why am I avoiding touching the laundry at all?

It took a lot of time of being upset, but eventually I felt relief.

I think I had an "exposure with no reaction" moment yesterday. I went to the laundry room, handled my laundry, and then touched the elevator button and the doorknob. Even though I had already cleaned the doorknob, I still felt afraid to touch it. Then I stopped and thought, Why am I avoiding it at all? It took me a long time to get through the anxiety, but eventually I felt relieved.

I figured that my OCD gets worse when I clean while I am tired and stressed. For example, during my PMS I was putting away the laundry. Accidentally, the laundry basket touched a kitchen cabinet (my flat is very small, and the kitchen is in the corridor). Instead of calming myself down, my fear skyrocketed. I cleaned that spot. The next day, I was still afraid to touch the objects in this kitchen. Sometimes I am able to understand that this type of situation is nothing to worry about, this is just laundry etc. Sometimes, I feel like I just can't calm myself down and the fear is spreading to other objects.

What is helping you in such situations? What is making it worse?

I figured that my OCD gets worse when I clean while I am tired and stressed. For example, during my PMS I was putting away the laundry. Accidentally, the laundry basket touched a kitchen cabinet (my flat is very small, and the kitchen is in the corridor). Instead of calming myself down, my fear skyrocketed. I cleaned that spot. The next day, I was still afraid to touch the objects in this kitchen. Sometimes I am able to understand that this type of situation is nothing to worry about, this is just laundry etc. Sometimes, I feel like I just can't calm myself down and the fear is spreading to other objects.

What is helping you in such situations? What is making it worse?

Daisy: Someone once told me "not to think those thoughts" – which I understood as trying to suppress them. I ended up doing the opposite. I started observing them very carefully.

I'm afraid of touching this chair. Why? Because I sat on it when I felt "dirty." Why did I feel dirty? Because some water from the sink splashed onto my feet. Why was I scared of that? Because that water could have landed on the bathroom floor. Why was I scared of the bathroom floor? Because there were used clothes there. Why was I scared of the used clothes? Because I had been wearing them when I felt "dirty."

It takes a lot of mental effort, but following the chain of thoughts often leads me to two conclusions:

a) the logic falls apart when I examine it closely;

b) I'm often afraid of the fear itself, and that fear then spreads to more and more objects.

Once I see that, I can sometimes reason my way through it and gradually calm myself down until the fear fades away. It's difficult, but it can happen.

Sometimes this helps me understand how my OCD builds associations, although I know this approach may not be helpful for everyone.

ChatGPT: In OCD, mentally reviewing or analysing fears can become a mental compulsion if its main purpose is to obtain certainty or immediate relief from anxiety. In that case, the temporary relief may reinforce the OCD cycle because the brain learns that the analysis was what made the anxiety go away.

At the same time, cognitive restructuring is also an established component of cognitive behavioural therapy. Unlike reassurance-seeking, its goal is not to eliminate all doubt but to examine whether your interpretation of the situation is realistic and whether OCD has created exaggerated or illogical associations.

Based on what you've described, your analysis appears to help you recognise how your fear spreads from one object to another through a chain of associations. More importantly, you say that this insight sometimes makes it easier to resist compulsions the next time you encounter a similar situation. That is a different long-term outcome from a compulsion, which typically provides short-lived relief but leaves the underlying cycle unchanged or even stronger.

That said, the distinction is not always clear-cut. Even cognitive restructuring can gradually turn into a mental ritual if you feel that you \*have\* to analyse every fear before you can move on.

Daisy: Someone once told me "not to think those thoughts" – which I understood as trying to suppress them. I ended up doing the opposite. I started observing them very carefully.

I'm afraid of touching this chair. Why? Because I sat on it when I felt "dirty." Why did I feel dirty? Because some water from the sink splashed onto my feet. Why was I scared of that? Because that water could have landed on the bathroom floor. Why was I scared of the bathroom floor? Because there were used clothes there. Why was I scared of the used clothes? Because I had been wearing them when I felt "dirty."

It takes a lot of mental effort, but following the chain of thoughts often leads me to two conclusions:

a) the logic falls apart when I examine it closely;

b) I'm often afraid of the fear itself, and that fear then spreads to more and more objects.

Once I see that, I can sometimes reason my way through it and gradually calm myself down until the fear fades away. It's difficult, but it can happen.

Sometimes this helps me understand how my OCD builds associations, although I know this approach may not be helpful for everyone.

ChatGPT: In OCD, mentally reviewing or analysing fears can become a mental compulsion if its main purpose is to obtain certainty or immediate relief from anxiety. In that case, the temporary relief may reinforce the OCD cycle because the brain learns that the analysis was what made the anxiety go away.

At the same time, cognitive restructuring is also an established component of cognitive behavioural therapy. Unlike reassurance-seeking, its goal is not to eliminate all doubt but to examine whether your interpretation of the situation is realistic and whether OCD has created exaggerated or illogical associations.

Based on what you've described, your analysis appears to help you recognise how your fear spreads from one object to another through a chain of associations. More importantly, you say that this insight sometimes makes it easier to resist compulsions the next time you encounter a similar situation. That is a different long-term outcome from a compulsion, which typically provides short-lived relief but leaves the underlying cycle unchanged or even stronger.

That said, the distinction is not always clear-cut. Even cognitive restructuring can gradually turn into a mental ritual if you feel that you *have* to analyse every fear before you can move on.

What is making you forget that you have OCD? By that I mean focusing on the activity and just momentarily feeling good?

I'll go first:

- Watching movies 🎥

- Going for a walk 🏞️

- Reading/writing 📚📝

- Cooking 🥘

-Makeup and self-care 💅

I don't know how this relates to other people's experiences with OCD.

My OCD started when I was working in a chemistry lab. I was afraid of contamination from a potentially carcinogenic compound that I was working with. The fear had a real source. Eventually, it passed.

Then I became afraid of prion disease. That fear also had a source, because I had heard a story about a case in my town. I was also scared of chronic wasting disease. My reactions were exaggerated. My brain would "target" certain clothes as contaminated. I would wash them and then become afraid when they touched something else.

Later, I became afraid of the laundry basket itself, and even certain corners of rooms that might have been touched by something. It was very difficult to explain this to my therapist. They told me to "touch something you're afraid of." I was supposed to make a hierarchy of fears, rate them from 1 to 10, and then gradually expose myself to them.

This was problematic for me. The fear was more of a "yes" or "no" thing. In my mind, all the objects I feared were connected to prion disease. My therapist thought I was also afraid of bacteria. They seemed to think that if they brought in any dirty object, I would be afraid of it. But that wasn't really the case. I was much more afraid of things that my brain connected to prions. Everything else was mostly background noise.

Then I became afraid of cleaning itself. That was also very difficult to explain to my therapist. Still I wasn't scared of public transport or shops.

Eventually, I moved out. I worked on the fear of prion disease and gradually accepted that it is impossible to control the entire environment. I think the discussions with my therapist were actually helpful here.

What really helped me medication. When my therapist told me to touch something on the balcony, I wasn't afraid at all. 

People often think that people with OCD love cleaning, but for me it was extremely stressful. I realised cleaning was a real trigger for me and might work as an exposure. Unfortunately I moved out of the city where my therapist lived. I tried to do therapy though WhatsApp. It worked very poorly, because I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about OCD in public spaces and doing exposures at home might be risky if something goes wrong. Before that, I was cleaning and then touched my boyfriend, who had just returned after a long absence. He then touched my wardrobe, and I ended up putting all my clothes into the laundry. It took months to sort everything out.

On my own, I slowly tried to get used to cleaning and functioning normally. I didn't deliberately touch things I was afraid of. Instead, I tried to interact with things normally, as other people do.

When I was taking medication, I wasn't afraid of any of these things. After I stopped taking it, the fear would sometimes return as an unreasonable fear of clutter or of something touching something "dirty." Sometimes I felt the need to neutralise the fear by wiping things down.

However, it became much easier to rationalise the fear and try to ignore it.

My therapist was super empathetic and kind, but initially they seemed to think that, in OCD, cleaning is bad and the dirtier things are, the better. It took them some time to realise that some cleaning is actually normal.

I think they also believed that receiving help is bad for people with OCD because it might lead them to avoid certain situations. The point is that my cluttered living space was worsening my OCD. The only way I felt able to clean it was in an extremely careful, compulsion-inducing way. If I cleaned, I would end up taking five showers a day.

When my family started helping me, they were actually showing me more normal ways of cleaning and organising things. Living in a neat space, receiving support from my family, and taking medication reduced my symptoms and allowed me to make further progress and eventually I moved out to a smaller space which was easier to control.