I (23F) didn’t leave him — he broke up with me (26M). After 6 years of emotional neglect, financial exploitation, and cheating, I don’t know how to move forward.
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I (23F) didn’t leave him — he broke up with me (26M). After 6 years of emotional neglect, financial exploitation, and cheating, I don’t know how to move forward.
I need advice because I feel completely lost.
I was with L (26M) for six years. I’m 23F, and the girl he cheated on me with is 20. For most of our relationship, I supported him financially, emotionally, and practically. I genuinely believed we were building a future together. Instead, I slowly realised I was carrying everything while he contributed nothing and blamed me for everything.
And despite everything he did, I didn’t leave him. He broke up with me.
He told me he “needed space,” that he “felt like I hadn’t been in love with him for two years,” and that he “needed to work on himself.” But the breakup happened right after I finally brought up how neglected I felt — how he only seemed to want to see me if I was paying for things. I can’t shake the feeling that he used my honesty as a way out.
The cheating
L cheated on me with a girl he met through TikTok. He told me she was just a “friend off Xbox.” He used my money to travel to London to see her. He pawned the PS5 he got me for Christmas and the Nintendo Switch I bought him — all to fund that trip.
While he was in London cheating, he had me stay at his house to look after his dog and clean his home. I spent three days cleaning his room alone. He didn’t even say thank you.
The financial exploitation
He constantly asked me for money even when he knew I was broke. If I didn’t give it, he asked A. If A said no, he asked his parents. He refused to buy anything non‑designer, insisted on branded food, and genuinely didn’t understand that we couldn’t afford that lifestyle.
I paid for his food shop and takeaways three times a week. I covered bills. I cleaned his house and garage. I supported him for five years while he got fired or let go from every job except one — a live‑in carer role he only kept because they don’t pay him for overnight stays and no one else would do that for free.
The emotional neglect
For the last six months of the relationship, I cried every single drive to work and back. Before the breakup, because he never wanted to see me and always said no when I asked. After the breakup, because I was terrified he’d realise he was happier without me or do something stupid.
When I cried, it made him angry. Him being angry made me cry more. So conversations never happened.
We haven’t had sex since December. No physical affection. When I tried to talk about needing closeness or feeling neglected, he yelled at me.
He shouted at me for asking simple questions, for asking him to repeat something, for asking for clarification. I loved him so much, but I didn’t deserve those reactions.
The mental health dynamics
He said I didn’t notice when his mental health got bad. But he didn’t notice mine either. He didn’t notice when I started self‑harming again. When I used to do it, he shouted at me because it “brought back things for him,” so I hid it better.
He refused to get help. I begged him to see a doctor, try meds, go to therapy. He refused because he “doesn’t want a pakki doctor” and “meds don’t work.” Meanwhile, he ignored me for months, refused to let me stay over, and only saw me for two hours a week.
The blame
He blamed me for him quitting his job during COVID “to spend more time with me” — something he didn’t tell me until we broke up. He blamed me for ditching friends because I didn’t want drugs around me (I didn’t care if they did drugs; I just didn’t want to be there when they did). He blamed our careers not progressing on me switching degrees.
He blamed everything except himself.
The fights
He started a fight on New Year’s. We got kicked out of a venue. I was crying while he screamed at another guy. My friend M hugged me and tried to calm me down. L shouted at me to “fuck off home if you’re gonna cry.”
A few months ago, I cried to him that I missed seeing him. He told me to go home if I was going to cry.
The breakup — how it actually happened
He told me he needed “space.” He said he felt like I hadn’t loved him for two years. He said he needed to “work on himself.” But he didn’t want to talk about anything. He didn’t want to fix anything. He didn’t want to hear my side.
I didn’t leave him.
He left me.
And he left right after I finally opened up about feeling used and neglected. It feels like he waited for me to say something he didn’t like so he could blame the breakup on me instead of admitting his own behaviour.
The future I planned vs. the reality
My plan was to graduate uni, find us somewhere to live, and for him to get a full‑time job and move in. But now I know he would have tried to live rent‑free while I worked myself into the ground, paid for everything, cleaned everything, and reminded him to do basic tasks.
Where I’m at now
He said we needed space to grow individually. I’ve been doing the work — journaling, reflecting, trying to understand myself. I realised I blamed myself for everything at first, but I didn’t ruin his life. Before he met me, he had already dropped out of sixth form and college and was working caring for S.
I write letters to him every day now. I won’t send them. But it helps me process.
I love him more than I probably should. But I’m trying to remind myself that I didn’t deserve the way he treated me. And I can’t help someone who isn’t willing to help themselves.
What I need advice on
I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty, or scared, or responsible. I don’t know how to stop loving someone who hurt me this much. I don’t know how to rebuild my self‑worth after years of being blamed, ignored, and used.
How do I heal from this? How do I stop wanting someone who treated me so badly? How do I move on from someone I gave everything to — especially when he’s the one who left?