u/Confident-Ask9337

In Uber, doing nothing but staring at phone untill the idea of journaling popped into my head...

So the day before yesterday, I had an ugly dream, unfortunately I remember it vividly with all its disgusting details...

The dream doesn't make sense but it disgusts me everytime It cross my mind...

I wish this kind of dreams never visit me again... Why? Why did I have this ugly dream? I took one pill of melatonine to help sleep deeper, did this pill really cause this dream?

Two days passed, and I still remember it but I just need to forget about it so it goes away ASAP. I'm sure one day when reading this diary at one point of time I will ask: what in the world the dream was?!!!

Well, I'm a person that dreams make up non-trivial part of their life. I kinda measure how well I slept with how nice my dreams were or how blurry to vivid they appeared...

One funny fact: for the most part of this life I lived so far; I couldn't really sleep without having a couple of dreams at least... The times I didn't were just two!

When some people tell me they haven't had a dream for over 6 or so monthsw, I feel shocked! How? How is it possible? But that's just a tiny interesting piece of the amazing realm of neurology or brain science or rather magic...

I remember when I was a high schooler, I wanted to study neurology, thinking theat it is a seperate major that you can study alone... because of how facinating thinking about brain was and still is to me... That's funny, cause when I was a middle school stuent, I wanted to be majored in maths, because aslo numbers and equations facinated me but after all these years, I majored in linguistics and translation, a major I'm facinated and crazy about! I just love it and accept that it is my fate... Not sad about it at all...

Anyway! Now... reached home.. going to change my clothes, talk to mom, as usual, I've got some requests here and there...financial kind of request... I hate being financially needy... I mean even though they're my family but it just sucks..

You ask: what you need this financial help from your mom for? Mom told me the german online course I was about to enroll in costs an arm and a leg for her at the moment.. Even though, it is not expensive... I mean 440$ for 6 months! That's Ya Blash!

But they're facing financial problems because of the renting and other things... We're middle-class saudi family that if we could categorize middle class to three levels we will be put be the last one, or that's only how I imagine...

Anyway... for a long while in my teenage years foolshiness which is recent, I had thought that money could buy everything, and is the most important component of a happy living... but I'm wrong now... Whenever I reflect on family, health that I really lacked good quaility of -eehh if we could call a family a good-quailty family hahha- I noticed that they were the one who drove me to believe this wrong kind of idea... Did you get the words I'm trying to make sense of? Lol

Anyways...There are some things in life I wish for always: like high iq, a lot of checked books' lists, a lot of useful papers written, a sense of security that I'm good enough and my contribution to this life as a human is valuble amd needed!! Yes, seems fictional but thats how dreamy i geg... I havd also wanted for long to be disciplined, to finish what I start... but I wasn't... human nature that I wish to have less of and to be more of a nerdy cuase that what suits the personality I got prolly!

So, feels like every day I get a new or a couple of words tediously repeated in my diaries...Let's not just talk about words like I me and my that further prooves how self-centered, take it in a positive or negative way, my writing tend to be... i consider it just not too interesting but I meant by the words, words like probably, anyways... a lot of fillers... It does indicate the lack of fluency to an extent haha but whatever who cares?

Anyways...-again!-, my life's been less boring lately, even though the interaction I have with real people is not much..and there is a routine that I try to maintain that goes like this:

□ sleep no matter what at night.. even if it's little

□ clean my cats litter box every day, that's the minimum because I use to not give much attention to it for couple of days! And it just makes things bad.

□ have breaksat not matter how little food you eat you gotta have breakfast

□ have lunch with family preferbly..I notice that I eat better when with them or with people

□ read now matter how few pages you could manage to read.. I'm on streak now its my third day of reading

□ write... bs accepted as well, i mean what i write shouldnt and is not actually supposed to be perfect. Persistene or consistency is more important and will help get you somewhere better that your actual level on whatever you're doing.

Thats pretty much it..

I think done talktive diary sessions for now...

Bisoux!!

Today, I am a little bit too lazy to write. That's why I am now talking, and the technological thing is transferring my voice to text, or my speech to text.

I woke up at four and a half a.m. I just slept for around four hours. That's why when I woke up and had a banana and a cup of milk, I couldn't help but sleep again. So I slept and I woke up again at eight and a half a.m. in the morning, of course.

I then took a shower and dressed and put on some makeup, even though there is no special occasion. And yeah, my mom said we're gonna go to the mall in the afternoon, I mean by 5 p.m. probably. I don't know what we're gonna do there, but buy some jewelry for the upcoming wedding in two weeks.

And yes, I have good news: yesterday, I managed to read more than 10 pages of the book I'm reading. I actually read 8 more than 10 pages hahah.

I wrote some goals in the morning for today. One of them is to learn German for an hour. I'm so excited to start my learning session. I'll carry on with the vocabulary I was trying to learn yesterday because I didn't manage to learn all of them. I learned ten, and fifty words are still remaining. I will probably learn ten more words and revise the previous ten, or the ten I learned yesterday. So in total I'm gonna be learning and revising twenty words: ten new words and ten old ones.

If I felt like I could learn even more and one hour is still not up, why not then? I think I will probably also write them down, because I heard, or I actually also believe, that writing down what you're learning is more effective than typing it, or just learning passively, or without producing something. I would probably also try to make my own example sentences for each word I'm learning, and then check their their grammar and how natural they sound..

Besides, I'm feeling good because tonight at 12 a.m., which is technically the 4th of October, or which is going to be the 4th of October by 12 a.m., I'll be turning 22. So it's gonna be my birthday. I honestly don't celebrate my birthdays, but I feel happy for some reason because I could make it. Actually, the very fact that I'm surviving despite all the struggles I've been through and the disasters that were part of my life is a fantastic thing to be happy for.

Basically, despite the fact that I planned what to do on this day, I still feel like I want some room for some unplanned things, surprises, let's say.

Planning everything is quite boring because it gives you a sense of reward even though things are not done yet.

Or it makes you depressed when you see lots of things unchecked.

I feel like I'm too happy to write. Meaning that usually when I write, I don't feel as happy.

I feel like verbally talking or orally, whatever they call it, and also talking to someone physically. I mean in real life face to face.

Honestly, even though virtual connection is great and sometimes we can make good friends online, but I still value, and I believe it's actually more valuable, When you communicate in real life because you can get more clues on what the other person is saying, or what they mean of something.

Technology is great, but sometimes too much technology is bad for human, for, for the humane ways of communicating and creating things in slow more time-consuming rythem..

Even though these typed words are mine, but I still feel they're not much myself because if I write them or I type them myself, they will look a little bit different. Like, for example, yesterday's diary. Yeah, my yesterday diary is quite more myself than today's diary. But it's okay..

Say that I'm happy, but there are a lot of bothersome stuff that is happening here and there. For example, my dad refused to pay for my gym subscription because he's too broke, like he told me, or maybe he just doesn't want to pay. Because I'm quite a daughter that asks for too much. And I had 1,000 riyals just a week ago. They're about to disappear now because I spent too much. Even though some things I bought were wit Tamara, still I'm gonna go broke again.

Thank God, thank God I would say for everything because I'm not that broke. I still have lots of things that I can maintain good living with, let's say.

Since the gym I want to go to is the same as mom's, she will probably take me with her, and I will convince her to pay for me, for the personal training. Because I'm really bad at training on my own. I don't know how. I went to the gym several times with no avail, because I just would open YouTube videos and imitate them. And, like, literally, I feel clueless. I've never worked out for long before. The longest period I was working out for was probably just one week, and it was at home.

That's why I thought probably it is a good idea to look for a personal trainer or personal coach and train with her for a month and then train on my own.

I really want to be healthier. Much more chubbier, because I'm just too skinny. And I sometimes buy children's clothes even though I'm probably an adult because I'm 22.

I feel hungry now. Obviously, since a banana and a cup of milk really don't do nothing to suffice my stomach.

That's all I guess for today. Nothing much is happening, but a lot of talking has taken place now, because I feel energetic, and when I get energetic, I tend to be talkative. So sorry.

So you can say I'm forming the habit of journaling on a daily basis because it feels really useful. It actually is useful. And also, it's kind of a to-do list sometimes because you talk about what you're gonna do, what you did, and the next day you check or you say if you did these things or you didn't, and you write about your emotions toward that. So it is great to just write. Or if you're too lazy like I am today, you can record yourself or transfer speech to text. But believe me, recording yourself feels awesome as well.

You can record yourself, um, a vocal, like recording, or you can actually record a video of you when you talk...

Have a great day <3

Hey again, yes, it's me, I was reading, and now typing my today's diary! 3 minutes apart from the day I was born... Eh, just a number, nobody cares unfortunately as much as probably do... I received a birthday messafe on discord just yesterday. But it didn't matter much since it came from a pereon I had little contact with. Anyway, don't care sweetie, I know there are still some cool friends out there that care about you as a person and care about what you care about like birthdays for example... I shouldn't be waiting for birthday letters/messages but I'm doing it, waiting for specific people to celebrate this day with me just in letters mabye... Am I wrong?

Well, whatever happens... it's cool... dear god, I want to make a wish: I wish that you make me happy that I start crying out of speechlessness, make every thing you plan for me accepted with a welcoming hear, and for this year and every year, make my heart go fonder to you every time I feel lost, needy, helpless, and also their opposites.

Oh god, help me be the person I look forward to being, genuinely caring, truly loving, and just sufficently sufficient. Feels like I'm imaging this day will be much more blessed and prayers are answered which I know not true perhaps but may I keep these prayers in my heart for ever...

Allah, help mind br calm, soul br comfortable, and eye get some sound sleep...

Words won't suffice, I didn't have the gift of words, but I do have a sensitive heart....

I always thought of people writing their own prayers as bullshit, and now I'm doing the exact same...

Well, that'll do for today... I feel better now ^_^

لحظة استيعاب متأخرة بس اسمي جدا مو عاجبني كان اختيار الوالدة بس بعد بحث حسيته خايس جداا ...

ودي اعرف بس هذوا للي غيروا اسمهم كيف الحياة بعد؟ يعني حتى لو جتني الفرصة اغيره اتعيجز واخاف بس في يوم اتوقع بسويها وبختار اسم عادي ومعروف

تتوقعون اذا كانوا اهلك منفتحين مكنتوا خرجتوا من الدين؟ ولا في كل الحالتين تحسون كنتوا رح تكونون (ملاحدة، لا أدريين، الخ)...

بالنسبة لي مثلا لو اجاوب على السؤال متوقع انو بيكون عندي اهتمام مطالعة في الدين او عندي اطلاع كافي عشان اعرف كويس فاتوقع اني حكون مسلمة عادي بس نوع المسلم الجاهل او بالاسم بس ويمكن حتى اصير في وهم اني احب ديني وكذا :)

بس انو اهلي متشديين جدا وعشت في خياس خرجت عشان ارتاح داخليا من هذا العبء الي عبوا دماغي به

لما اشوف بنات مثلا هم قليل بس موجودين من السعودية وما يلبسوا حجاب مثلا ووشم ومدري ايش بس لسه مسلمين احسس يحظهمم وودي تكون عندي بس الحرية اني اقدر اسوي هذي الاشياء اذا كنت ابغى

عمري ٢١ بس من أيام وأنا بزرة أحس بالملل بشكل فظيع... العبارة الي كنت دايم أقولها ويهزؤني عليها أهلي "أنا طفشانة"، أو "اش هذا الطفش"... أنا مو فاهمة إذا هذا الملل إلي أحس به طبيعي؟ ما أتحمل سوالف الناس أحيانا في الجمعات خصوصا لما يكون في إنسان كبير سنه معنا... اجتماعية ومو اجتماعية في نفس الوقت ما أعرف أحش أو أسولف... معندي علاقات قريبة مرة مع الي أعرفهم أحس بطفش وحياتي كاملة على السوشل ميديا عشان هذا الطفش يروح بس الصدمة حتى الأشياء الي supposed to be fun زي الافلام وكذا أطفش منها مثلا معمري تفرجت مسلسل كامل بدون ما أسكّب كثير أو ما أكمله أصلا من أول حلقتين حتى مو من أول season ومن البداية ولما أبدأ بشيء زي قراءة كتاب أو تعلم لغة يستمر الحماس فترة بعدين يصير ما لي نفس وما ألقى نفس المتعة إلي كنت ألقاها في البداية.. بشكل عام حتى أطفش من العلاقات... أغلب الناس ما أتحمل أقعد معاهم كثير حتى لو كنت أحبهم مني عارفة أحدد المشكلة بس مثلا لما أشوف صحبتين لاصقتين ببعض ودي أفهم كيف وليش أنا مقدر أخلي عندي صحبة نلصق ببعض إن صح التعبير 🙂

مرة من الطفش رحت أبحث عن دراسات عن الطفش وأسبابه وtriggers له وسويت التست الي يقولك إذا انت highly prone to boredom وطلعت وبكل جدارة من هذولا الناس..

وشفت فديو في اليوتوب يقول فيه مؤلف كتاب out of my skull إلي هو كتاب عن سيكولوجية الملل عن إنو إذا أتذكر كويس إنو الملل يكون من أسبابه lack of self-control الي أشوفه تنطبق عليّ..

الملل حاجة مو مرة خايسة بس لما تزيد عن حدها أحس بموت bored to death

كنت مسوية لي جدول anti-boredom activities حاجة دايم أسويها وما أحس بالملل بالعكس أحس ب rewarding feeling بس المشكلة هي يروح عني فترة ويرجع ميقدر يتخلى عني 🙂

وإذا أبغى أسوي شيء خارج عن المألوف أو أجرب أشياء جديدة مقدر لأن أحس دايما إني limited ومعندي options مثلا ودي أغوص، أتعلم السواقة، السباحة وركوب الخيال إلخ من حاجات تخليني alive fr بس كل هذي ممنوعة أو بحكم إني مقفل علي في قفص البيت اللعين وإلي يقهر في نفس الوقت إنو أهلي ما يحبوني بيتوتية أبدأ بس ما يبغون أسوي الأشياء أو outdoor activites الي ابغاها حدّّي في هذا الشي كبنت إنو أسوي صلة رحم أو أروح مع أختي أماكن مهي حرام -اي نعم حتى في السعودية في أماكن حرام حسب معايير أهلي الخانقة زي الفعاليات الي فيها اختلاط أو فيها موسيقى 🥴🙂-

عشان كذا أحس حياتي تتسم بالملل بالإضافة إلى إنها مشكلة سيكولوجية عندي.... طبيعي أبقى في البيت بالشهور بدون خرجة إلا للدراسة مع الباص وبس وأي وقت أحاول أخرج عن هذا الروتين أو حتى ما أخرج بس أتأخر إني أصل البيت أسهم الاتهامات علي دايما وهذا الشيء يخلينيegh

على أيٍّ ما ودي أفكّر كثير بالمشكلة العائلية إلي عندي، منها -ما قالتها- إنو أهلي يشوفون الابتعاث مصيبة مثلا لما قلتهم له إنو وحدة من قبيلتنا المتشددة تدرس في سكوتلاند ردت علي الوالدة إنو أعوذ بالله والله يسترنا -kind of a retarded mentality honestly- الشي الي يخليني أحزن وإنو معمري أقدر أصير زي بنات خالاتي إلي ابتعثوا وحققوا نجاحات بالخارج وأهلهم فخورين فيهم ☹️

يمكن حطيت أكثر من مواضيع مستطردة بطريقة ملخبطة بس في ذهني كلها متشابكة لسبب ما...

I don't feel "proper" if that's the word to put it..

Other people seem perfect, in order, successful, and just better... while I'm not included in this group of people...

I feel a sense of lacking, not enough, and that there is nothing that can fill this void...

It seems that I'm always indulged in crticizing myself... I never change this pattern.. I don't know...

My thoughts are shattered everywhere, nothing is in order.. Nothing seems to make sense at the moment...

Things don't seem bad though, but they might actually be worse deep down...

I feel like I consume and take, but never knew how to give, even never known how to be generous with myself..

Seems abstract.. I ferl a bit frustrated that I can't word what I'm feeling well enough because it just feels incomplete...

Do I deserve what I feel? Is it karma from any sort?

Did I hurt someone in the past that made me feel this way now...

I don't believe in anything 'casue I almost lost my faith in everything...

I don't like that... I don't like me... It seems that I deserve this...

I talk to people a lot that I feel less genuine, less authentic...

I'm weird, my thoughst are werider... everything in me is weird...

Maybe it is time for a rest... that lasts ong enough...

I learn using apps, actually three apps, and sometimes the book Menschen.. I have completed A1 courses on Babbel and Busuu and now in my way to complete A2 courses besides A1 on Wlingua.

The thing is that it has been only a month and a couple of weeks and I feel I learned so much but haven't put much into practice, so I use HelloTalk sometimes but I don't think it is that helpful.

Would continuing this way -investing 1 to 3h a day using these apps- pay off at the end? Or should I integrate new ways of learning?

Can you tell what my native language is or where I am from? And why? I'd really appreciate it! Thanks ^_^

It's been a really long while I didn't practcie my spoken English :/

https://voca.ro/1iBVnD9vNJaD

ما احكيلكم عن الصدمة مادة بالعربي حرفيا ذاكرت لها اكثر من الميد الاول حقها وانخسفت ١١ درجة والميد الاول ذاكرتله أقل ونقصت بس درجتين!! في حياتي الجامعية كاملة مقد صارلي كذا اكره الاختبارات الروبتية هذي

حرفيا بكيت وانا قربت اتخرج بس بقتلي هذي المادة ومادة ثانية في من التحضيري وهذا الشيء محطمني كنت متوقعة درجة كاملة او عل الاقل ناقصة بس درجتين لان المادة حرفيا ولا شيء

I just woke up a bit sobbing because of a weird dream. I dreamed that there was a competetion for a free lifetime effective and equal to DELF certificate course for French. To win the course, the steps are simple; you have to volunteer cleaning random colored broken lids of bottles by putting them in their assigned places. My team, which was my college friends and I, won at the end. One of the people who looked like one of my professors in college came and told me: you won with us and your reward is that we are going to take your cat, draw him, and integrate his caracter onto Duolingo, so everybody can see him and know his name. I was so happy! I am going to use Duolingo and Hourayray is part of it, not only Zari, Junior Béa and others..I met the team specilized for crafting this masterpiece; my cat. An American, bit dark-skinned woman was resposible for my cat caracter integration onto the program, and she told me that she finished all the work necessaey, and she sent it to Duolingo to see if they would accept it. I met before the vet resposible for my cat, and hugged him. he told me that he was the person who suggested this idea, since my cat got treated in his clinc 9 months ago, and he could not forgot him, and wanted to celeberate his rebirth this way. Later, my happiness wasn't destinied to last when I heard the news; that I am not supposed to take my cat with me home anymore! I can't! And the reason was because he became one of them now, and his new home now is Duolingo office...At this moment, I couldn't help but shed tears and scream like crazy; singing Arabic poetry in Egyption dialect that mean: why did I sell you for cheap, love? That is my fault.. why did you sell you for cheap, love? And then I woke up.