u/CosmicSweets

I'm soooo fried lmao.

TW for blood and death mention, not graphic.

I don't know how to explain it. A few days ago I had a dream where I saw ungodly amounts of blood, but it wasn't my blood. I meditated on this because I know it's my subconscious trying to communicate.

Eventually I was made aware of a part that seems to be in her mid-20s. She's in extreme distress and seems to be crying over a dead baby? I'm not sure what the baby is supposed to represent.
ETA: Hold up. My mother gave birth to me when she was 24. This seems to be relevant to me somehow. (Note: I've never been pregnant.)

Just now I was meditating on his part. Sitting with it and letting it express whatever emotions and beliefs it carries. Observing and letting the part speak. Eventually I got curious and starting asking question. "Why do you say this?" And the part started going on about how I was a mistake. How I was a mistake since the moment I was born, how my grandmother judged my existence. And somehow I became aware of a feeling, I can feel it now as a write, that my grandmother had taken issue with my mother being pregnant. I can feel judgement and harshness. A resentment that I existed.

On a logical level I know that it wasn't me she was mad at, it was my mother. And deeper still I think my grandmother was projecting her own trauma onto my mother. My grandmother made her own mistakes and sadly it seems she never healed from it. (She was a mess until her passing.)

I don't know what to do with these feelings. But I feel that putting it out there will be constructive somehow.

Thanks to anyone who reads this. Just being seen means a lot. 💞

We all shit ourselves when we die.

So, yes, take things seriously when it really matters. Remember to have fun!
There's a time and place for everything.

That way you have a good balance of peanut butter and chocolate in each piece.

So this requires some background and context. My extended family is quite toxic. So much so that after my mother passed and when I was able to become independent I went full no contact. Eventually my grandmother became very ill and was in hospice. I did visit and say goodbye, went to the funeral and all. But I never kept contact with any of them. Still don't.

Now onto my dream.

In my dream I was with my aunt, my grandma, and someone else inside a house. Other family members were around too, just not in the same room. It felt like a reunion of sorts. I remember my grandma or the other person touching me in an innapropriate way*. I was tired of being silent and said outloud, "I wish this family wouldn't molest each other!" My aunt took that personally even though she hadn't done anything. I called her out on it. If she's innocent she wouldn't be upset. Then we were in a bigger room, I think it was like a kitchen that opened to a living room. Everyone was there. I was trying to say my piece. I remember yelling trying to get everyone to shut up and listen to me. But they refused. It was so frustrating and upsetting.

*Note: To my knowledge/memory the only person who ever put hands on me innapropriately was a *friend* of my grandmother's. She was there and did not intervene. His wife was there too and also said nothing.

I've had my cat since he was a kitten. I watched him grow, even found his baby teeth when they fell out. And I always loved him. But I remember one day realising that I wasn't sure why. I understood that he loves me too, but I also provide for him. So it makes sense. (Though the bond goes deeper than that, for sure.)

But I pondered this for a long time. Until sometime last year I looked at him and it clicked. I loved him for his personality. The way he expresses himself, his wants, his affection, his needs. Everything. The way he's annoying and knows it. The way he hates the word, "No!" I just love him for being him. And that moment was so beautiful.

I'm in the heavens now and thinking back on it. Like wow. This little creature has a whole world inside of him too. Because of course he does. Amazing.