u/Coughcough1836

Hii I got to work only to find out their cleaning the gutters and I can’t access my shed, literally been sitting here for 3 hours bored as hell. I’m pretty chatty and do prefer other chatty people but also a lot of questions works to.

I’m not really into a lot of things that most people are but I’m pretty creative and can talk about most things, come at me with a hypothetical question and we can make a conversation out of it ^^

I found out what asexuality was at 14 and was like that sounds like me but I’ve also never even had a crush on someone so let’s maybe wait and see and I’m 20 now and proudly ace and I’ve always figured I was either bi romantic or aromatic but I do have a interest in dating, so I thought to myself “who can I imagine myself in a relationship with” and that did not help much, I’ve only dated men (mostly queer men) not that I’ve dated much but last night I had a pretty gay dream where I felt things not just sexual attraction but I was just giddy a cute girl was flirting with me and I just don’t think I could feel that way about a guy but also I have no idea, it was just a dream. So how do ace people usually determine who they’re romantically attracted to?

To be fair the amount of dreams where I like someone romantically could be counted on one hand but still they’ve only ever been women. I had another dream last night where I was at a party with my friends and partner and I was in the hot tub with a cute girl and she was getting closer and I was all smiles and felt so giggly cuz this cute girl was flirting with me and she was about to kiss me when I panicked and said I had a boyfriend and ran away… I am asexual so that was honestly the weirdest thing ever, I was totally into her. I always just figured my dreams only featuring women didn’t mean much but after a dream like that I think I might just not be into men lol

I want to change, I want to be able to feel the normal range of emotions. I’ve been doing a lot of intro introspection and come to the realization I’m like this not due to some traumatic event I can’t remember but the neglect I knew was present but thought it started later in life… but it had only gotten worse not started. I don’t know how to explain how alone I’ve always been in this world even when I’m around other people I’ve never felt seen, I feel like people have only ever know the version of myself that’s so surface level. No one has ever gotten to know the real me… not even me and it’s not like I was really around other people all that much to begin with. I comb through my memories and I can’t remember one person who I felt like I could confide in nor did anyone ever actually try to be that person. My best friend said that she was there for anything I needed, I said ok and she cut off our friendship because I seemed mad at her the week my mom died. As a kid I told myself I didn’t need other people as an adult I’ve made friends, I’ve dated but I still have never felt close to anyone. I really struggled to feel like people actually want to talk to me and I refuse to be a bother so I know it’s partly my fault for failing to build intimacy but also… I don’t think I’m totally wrong in no one wanting to talk to me.

On our first date on my way there I texted him "btw I'm ace" and he was just like same! I was really surprised and felt like it was fate, our first date was kinda awkward and no chemistry but since he was ace and I was curious about dating another ace person so we went on a second date... where admittedly I fell for them there and then. We've been dating for just over 2 years and I realized we haven't had sex or anything in awhile and I feel absolutely no feelings about it, it's just how we are and I love it, no pressure to want to do things or kiss when I don't want to. I feel like I'm both sex repulsed and sex positive but definitely go long stretches of being more sex repulsed so dating another ace really made me feel so comfortable in our relationship and to just do what comes naturally