Advice for Fighting Fear After Injury?
To preface, I have been an aerial student for three years. The injury I am discussing was of no fault of my studio or instructors, and honestly I am still baffled how such a simple movement has caused me so much trouble for so long. I have done coffin poses on other apparatuses before. In May of 2025, I was doing a coffin pose on hammock, turned my neck just to the left slighty while talking to my instructor and felt a twinge that I had assumed was just a pinched nerve in my neck at the time. The pain was excruciating and it hurt to raise my left arm for a couple months. Sneezing would send waves of pain through my shoulder. It really crippled my progress. It weakend my arm's ability to support myself in the air on that side. After burning through different types of medical evaluations, my doctor ordered an MRI as a last result. I finally had discovered what was happening. My bursa, upper bicep tendon and rotator cuff tendons were affected by various types of inflammatory issues (see MRI findings screenshot). I have been doing self-administered lacrosse ball massages and will not be able to start physical therapy until January at the earliest, because my HSA account is currently drained and I cannot afford the out of pocket cost of PT every week.
Now my present issue is overcoming the psychological aspect of getting back to where I was without ending up worse off. I have a new irrational fear of doing something that might hurt myself to the point where I would have to give up aerial. I know it sounds silly, but the amygdala wants to run the show and perhaps my mind is subconsciously trying to keep me safe by using fear? I used to be able to climb to the top of straight silks without fear when I was first learning. Now, I start to tremble with doubt because I feel my stamina wane at the 75% height point and my mind triggers self-preservation and tells me that my arm won't be able to support me. I have made it to the top once now and alrhough I was tired out (because I was no longer used to the exertion), did not die. lol So at this point, I think practicing climbing to the top and coming down repeatedly would be a good excericse to get my climb confidence back.
Essentially, I struggle to tell the difference between when my body just needs me to push it, like I am just reaching a strength threshold that needs expanding or when my body is trying to warn me of potential injury. The inability to discern this has drained my confidence in my overall aerial ability. The key fear that everything circles back to is when I am in the air and feel my stamina dip or my body gets too tight to finish a transition in a sequence, I am convinced I will fall then and there and I back out of the entire thing and climb down. Then I feel shame. Sometimes I feel so bad I get on the verge of tears because I am at a loss for how to overcome something that seems so stupid. I even feel like my instructors are tiring of me being like this at this point (they most likely are not and it is just another fear my subconscious has fabricated).
I know that was a lot of information, and I appreciate those who took the time to listen. Does anyone have advice on what I could do to help me get better about learning the difference between when I should push on and when I should stop? Or advice about regaining confidence in aerial or how to shrink the fear? If tough love is what I need here, hit me with it. If I am asking the wrong questions or focusing on the wrong aspect of shortcomings, please let me know! I am tired of feeling ashamed and like I let my instructors down at the end of every class.