u/Curious_kiwi6

i just had a full blown meltdown. I'm mentally exhausted by this phobia. I've had it for 20 years although it got bad 10 years ago with severe panic attacks and ocd. i also haven't thrown up in 20 years. I've seen many therapists but i just.. don't feel it? it's hard for me to open up to any therapist I've seen so i kinda feel like I'm wasting my money. i do wanna see a psychiatrist again to see if i need to change medication. even when i feel ready to begin recovery I'm doing okay for a bit and then i get a bad panic attack and it's like all my progress is gone. i wanna start again but i just don't know how? i feel so defeated with this phobia. the funny thing is that i can do many things (subway, eating out in moderation, i gag a lot when i brush my teeth and I don't panic etc) but i still feel useless because i can only do these things on the good days. if i feel slightly off i just do nothing. I'm just exhausted if I'm being honest and I don't know where to even begin. I'm thinking of ordering the emetophobia manual but 20 years with this is a lot and I'm not sure if I can do it by myself.

to start, I've had emetophobia for at least 20 years (also haven't thrown up in 20 years) i have good and bad days. I'm making progress although I'm still scared to do the big stuff (trips, planes, boats etc) and i have setbacks.

Now on to my job. i work at a supermarket 3:30pm-11:30pm. it's an easy job, good money, good employer and coworkers. the issue is that 20 out of the 40 week hours I'm at the shop solo. it's also a busy shop so of course I'm terrified I'll throw up/have a panic attack while I'm solo. I'm also terrified of not being able to close up and go to the bathroom in time. I'm in this job for like 6 months and it feels the exact opposite of exposure therapy. I'm stressed everyday, everyday is the exact same fear and thoughts. Now i wanna do exposure therapy but this feels all too much too soon and not controlled. my other non-phobia related issues is that I'm a woman and I'm alone, i also close up alone. Also the fact that sometimes I'm unable to close up to even pee because the customers keep coming in. i even have to eat at the register doing my job in between. i also feel like I can't get sick (even the flu) because I'm the only one working 8 hours (the other person comes for 4 hours/5 days a week) at nights so getting someone to cover for me is not easy.

I'm debating quitting for some time now but i feel like doing it would make me feel useless, like my phobia won. I also want the exposure but at the same time it's just too much. i wanna make a decision not based on my phobia but everyday is just worse and worse. it's like i go, i do the scary 8 hours and then the next day it just resets all over again. I'd even dare say that I'm worse than before I started. I'm scared to do other stuff outside of work because I don't wanna catch anything and having to deal with it while I'm working alone in a crowded shop. I'd love some outside perspective or even from someone who's been through something similar.

honestly? im miserable. im 31 had this phobia for 20 years also havent thrown up in 20 years. its just eating my life away. like every part of my life is consumed with this. i just cant even enjoy life anymore, i mean sure im happy in general but when it hits it hits. i feel trapped in my own mind and just unable to do anything. my days are the same. go to work and feel anxious or either stay at home on my days off and overthink. i wanna do stuff but its like i dont even have the energy sometimes. its so consuming. i have cancelled tons of plans because i felt weird or off. i havent enjoyed a lot of things because again i felt weird or off. therapy isnt helping. ive tried so many therapist but i just cant seem to be able to open up to any of them. the thoughts are there but i just cant. i do wanna get better so much and do have those "fuck it" days but then something happens and its back to square one. i feel like ive made progress but im living in daily anxiety. im starting to resent myself and i hate this. im also on lexapro and seeing how well it worked for many people im thinking it isnt working for me but even the thought of 1. stopping the meds and getting withdrawal effects and 2. starting new meds and getting side effects is terrifying me. i just feel so stagnant and the older i get the worse it is. i remember when i was 20 something i always said "ill be able to do this by 30" and now im 31 and i cant do shit. and it sucks because i know i can do the scary things because ive done them before but when the fear takes over im just helpless. my world is just getting smaller and smaller

Like please, i beg, NO MORE. its 35C out and today a very sweaty lady handed me a bill THAT WAS STUFFED IN HEr bra. im gonna lose it, it was soggy and fucking warm 0oh my god please. i would rather cut off my own arms than touch that. EHY DO I HAVE TO see her putting her hand in her bra fishing around to find the money. my god. dont do that

im in my first healthy relationship after leaving my abusive ex and it's crazy how much my life quality changed. i worked on both myself and my boundaries and it's been a blessing. i had a rough week (unrelated) and i feel like chatting about something good so AMA

ive started a root canal on a tooth with an old deep filling. at the first appointment the dentist cleared my roots and put a temp filling on. he recleaned it again after 2 weeks and placed another temp and told me it would be ready to seal and fill on the next appointment. however due to work scheduling and money i havent been able to see him and i just now scheduled my next appointment for next tuesday [aprox 3 weeks after the last visit] i feel like the temporary filling has fallen out or got worn off almost completely and my open roots are exposed. the tooth is on the upper side so i really cant see. i have also noticed some pain when biting or when i put pressure on a specific corner on the tooth. this isnt new, ive had this since my second appointment but i feel like its getting a bit worse now, no other symptoms however. my dentist also mentioned that the tooths roots were weird, like one root had 2 different ones going in a different direction. im a bit of an anxious person so im kinda worried its getting infected or why i have this pain.

I'm losing my mind. i remember seeing it random memes with like a child like voice and dancing. it was a filter i think? added on top of videos HELP

edit: i remember hearing it again in a basketball game of a euroleague team

i wanna start off my saying i might mention some triggering things. so yesterday i had 3 episodes of soft stools and I've been overall very anxious and on edge this past week so I've been struggling a bit. i also have a few shifts at work where I'm literally alone in the whole store. yesterday was one of those but i felt fine all things considering. today i had 2,5 solo hours before a coworker would come. I'm coming down with a cold which i knew was coming because my bf also has a cold. i felt a bit off but it was just respiratory stuff so i went to work anyways. 30 mins after my shift started i had diarrhea and i just spiralled so bad. i had to close up of course and i was just stuck at my jobs toilet for an hour until my coworker showed up. i felt like it might happen but it never did. I haven't had a panic attack like that for years. I was having cold hot flashes, the whole fun ordeal. i just felt trapped there and knowing that customers were literally outside waiting just piled onto my already existing anxiety. it was bad. like, bad. i managed to get home a bit after my coworker came and i just napped for 2 hours. I'm still feeling off or like i might go again. I don't even know if it's anxiety or I'm actually coming down with something at this point but my god it was horrible. just being there fucking helpless. i didn't even had water... I'm trying to be proud that i did it but i can't feel proud right now. at points i thought that it was gonna happen I didn't panic (more than i already was) but i realistically I don't know what I'd do if it did happen. today just sucked. i have feared this exact scenario, (along with actually vomiting) ever since I started this job and seeing it almost happen today was unreal and a bit traumatizing to say the least.