I can't fail and drives me insane
When I was six years old my parents and teachers at school came to the conclusion I must be a "gifted child" and insisted upon getting me tested. I tested well above my age in pretty much every category with some things being up to six years ahead of my current age. My parents were thrilled at the prospect of having such a brilliant child.
For me, though, I think it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I've suffered at the hands of years long bullying, I've been in a terribly abusive relationship, I've wrestled with mental illness and various prescriptions to battle it but none of it compares to being tested for my intelligence.
It shaped my whole life and my outlook on it. My parents saw this as an opportunity to push and push and push a child so that they may reap the benefits of an exceptional child. Education was everything. Friends? Waste of time. Extracurricular activities? Waste of time. Girls? Well I was told I was forbidden from dating until I at least had my degree, I remember that from the time I was about eight onwards.
"You got 98? Why not 100?" Was a phrase I heard many times.
By the time I graduated high school, I hated school and I hated learning. Their reward for pushing me in this way was a three time college dropout. I developed a psychological issue where I could not struggle and I could not fail. If I couldn't figure something out quickly and stay on top of it, I quit. I couldn't be challenged, I needed to continue to be validated because I was nothing if I wasn't as close to perfect as humanly possible.
I'm 31 and I decided to try and learn a new language because my girlfriend speaks another language and I'm struggling but I so desperately want to learn. Yet that part of my brain pushes me to quit every single day because there are things I just can't wrap my head around. I'm still ruled by this many years later and I want so badly not to hate my parents for it but fuck.
Just...fuck.