u/Dangerous-Guard4284

I know it's silly but I feel a bit invalidated after my appointment with a different rheumatologist. I told him the medication I was on and how difficult it is for me to do normal daily things (the fatigue affects me the most) and he ended up telling me that I'm not sick and I shouldn't act like I am. I know he probably meant to motivate me and tell me that I can push myself but all I felt in that moment was that if I'm not sick then what excuse do I have? Why can't I just get up and live my life— what's stopping me?

I am a secret atheist in a very religious muslim country. All my friends and family are muslim and I am not planning on telling anyone ever.

I have this friend who I am very close with and I love her to death.. but recently I've just been thinking of all the things she said. Everything she says about people who are different than her just comes from a place of hatred and disgust, she's a very nice person(to me at least) but the hate she has for non religious people and lgbt+ is just awful. (Little does she know I am both of those things..)

I dont plan on leaving her or anything, I just wanted to vent about this and it made me realize how absolutely hypocritical religious people are.

TW: GORE

I'm putting this as venting because I think I'm beyond support at this point. I don't know what I could have done in my past life to be put in this situation so young.

Where do I even begin? I'm 16 years old and a girl, I'm from a conservative muslim family in Saudi Arabia and I'm a secretly bisexual and an atheist. I don't believe in god and I never have. A few years ago I started harming myself.. I don't know why I did it? I think I just wanted to feel alive. I later developed a porn addiction that I've since stopped.

But I developed something even worse.. gore addiction. Before anyone jumps to conclusions, I don't enjoy seeing people in pain and I don't watch it because it's interesting to see how people react, I watch it because I want to see how I'd react. That might not make sense but it doesn't matter because I desperately want to stop. This isn't the first time I saw gore, when I was very young I was shown a gore video by an adult that was close to me, I don't know why they showed me that but I think it affected me more than I'd like to admit and I'll never forgive them for what they have done.

I'm not allowed to get into therapy and I've been begging to get professional help for as long as I can remember. But I'm also terrified of what might happen if I do tell a doctor. Will they send me to a psyche ward or something? I can't tell anyone about this, what would they think of me? I'm absolutely disgusting and I can't believe I can watch horrible shit like that with a straight face, I just want this to end, I'm so tired.