u/Danlez

I just came from the hospital. It amazes me how I forget that I'm an alcoholic.

It's always a big event, saying "well, I'm not drinking anymore" after a "mayyybe I can casually drink, people do that!" And then finding myself lost in alcohol, thinking to myself "why, why do I always come to the same toxic behavior? I hate this, don't even enjoy it, why do I do this to myself?" Repeat.

I don't wanna. Its poison, nothing good comes with it, then why? Why do I always come back like some toxic ex or smth.

Makes me hate myself deeply.

I'm a vivid, sometimes lucid dreamer. There is a constant character that appears in my dreams. It tells me things that I shouldn't tell anyone. Tell me to be "aware", to be careful not to share the information that my dreams have. And it's not some psychological thing like "this happened to u as a kid" or smth, it's more of a sci-fi thing. That I'll be tested in dreams. And the test happened and I failed and gave the information to important evil ppl.

It's starting to scare tf out of me and I can't even share the contents of it bc I'm afraid smth bad will happen. Not only that but that a lot of bad things that are happening rn in the world are my fault.

Is this normal? Should I talk to my therapist about this? I'm starting to think something really bad is gonna happen but at the same time my "real life" logic tells me it's nonsense.

But WHAT IF— what if my dreams are right?

Me, 26 F "Uber driver" (not Uber and i identify as NB but you get the point) stopped picking up a woman.

She has become a constant client as I work at night and only pick up women. She has a baby, I totally understand how dangerous it is to a woman to be alone at night, especially in my third world country.

One day I was with a friend because of a family emergency, she already had my number at that point, started calling me, it was weird, we are NOT friends, but she sounded scared and wondered if I could pick her up for free, I said "calm down, I gotcha, I'm not working rn but I'll send you some money, you can pay me when we see each other again or when u can send me the money", it wasn't a lot so it was okay.

She paid me, did this a couple of times, sometimes I was working and could pick her up, sometimes I'd send her money, but by the 5th or 6th time she stopped paying me. Started calling me on my free days, asking me to drive her home, once I was drunk and politely said "sorry, I'm drinking with some friends rn and I don't drink and drive", that night I've got more than 10 missed calls from her.

Now she owes me what I make in a day of work, not only that but still calls me whenever she needs a ride home after work. I feel so sad and guilty cause she seems like having some economic problems, but so do I. Idk, it feels so invasive, I understand she is a desperate working woman but I can't. I wish I could help her, I already think she isn't gonna pay me anymore.

Receiving her calls late at night is consuming me. Guilt tripping me. Idk what to do. I want her to be safe. Idk.

Edit: I'll ask for my money back at the beginning of next month (most jobs here pay monthly) and then block her, even if she doesn't give me the money. I've been scammed before, I think I'm very susceptible and somewhat dumb. Thanks for the answer everyone.