u/Dear_Investment6064

My parents were verbally,physically and emotionally abusive. Culminating into a physical assault that fractured our relationship (that they now deny took place). They pulled me off the career path I’d been on for years and proceeded to berate me into suicidality when I was at my lowest. Apologized for all of it then denied it ever happened. So throw in reality distortion too lmao.

Despite that. The final nail in the coffin was voting MAGA a third time.

It was literally one of the biggest confirmations that my parents weren’t people worth knowing or engaging with.

Now that I’m job hunting with the now useless degree they made me get, in the largest economic downturn in US history I 1000% made the right call.

I don’t miss them. I’m still angry with them.

So if you need a sign this is it. Get those bigots out your life babes

OKAY so for reference we're all 30 or pushing 30 in my friend group AKA way too old for this shit.

So my friend let's call her Mal, was recently broken up with, she asked me for good "rebound guys" so I mentioned our friend Matt. Matt owns a bar that we hang out at a lot, and he's a huge flirt. But flirts with everyone. Including me the first time we met. He's a chill dude, friendly with everyone and immediately backed off of me when I communicated I wasn't interested, no harm no foul we're still friends.

My friend Mal rejected this idea, no big deal, he comes up in conversation and I mentioned his ex-wife was super beautiful. She demanded to see a pic of her (I oblige) and she starts comparing her body to hers. Obviously I clock this as weird but let it go cause attraction is weird and insecurities are weird and all of this is just none of my business.

Well the two of them meet when we go to the bar he owns and Matt does what he does with everyone, he keeps it super casual but is a little flirty.

Here is what he isn't doing:

- commenting on bodies,

-asking if single,

-asking for phone numbers,

-oogling of any kind.

-initiating physical contact AT ALL

We're talking "Hey ladies can I grab you guys something" and she's acting like he catcalled her. I've explained OVER AND OVER AGAIN that I haven't told Matt about her or encouraged anything. It was literally just the one time when she asked explicitly for an easy hookup and I only suggested him to her. I've also said over and over again that he is super chill and if you just politely ask him to stop doing whatever he literally will BUT AGAIN he does this with everyone and he isn't like singling her out. I offered to ask him to stop on her behalf and she went "no it's fine" ?????

I'm never someone to give a man the benefit of the doubt. And I don't have to because he literally isn't doing anything. He is saying hi and then going to do his job. We don't hang out outside of the bar he owns, he doesn't follow her on social media, like he is showing no overt interest in my friend besides being friendly when she walks into the bar he owns.

I'm posting this because a week ago we were at Matt's bar celebrating our friend's graduation and she texts me under the table asking if he still likes her, because he covered her last round. He covered everyone's last round. It was my friend's graduation. I tell her this and she goes "yeah but it was like the way he did it?" and I went "okay?". He covers rounds all the time, like mine and my husband's, just mine, that's really typical for bartenders to do with regulars. I finally reiterate what I said again that he hasn't ever brought her up when she hasn't been around and as far as I know has no interest. During this conversation I look over and he's literally chatting up a different woman in line for the bathroom and not looking in our direction at all.

FTR she has never hung out alone with him/seen him at all when I've not been there. I am there for every interaction she complains about he hasn't done or said anything inappropriate and if he had I'D DEFINITELY KNOW ABOUT IT.

It's just really annoying and extra and like once a hangout we have to all stop and acknowledge that Matt might be interested in Mal and how "annoying"/"inappropriate" that is. AGAIN we are all thirty. It irks me bc Matt has really come through for my husband and I several times and I hate the way she is characterizing him and turning this into some big thing when nothing has happened. I don't want to like participate in her weird head canon with him. I've also experienced sexual harassment in the workplace and it lead to me leaving that role. SO I get really sensitive around this stuff and it really feels like she's implying something that's not happening.

TLDR: My friend is obsessed with pointing out how not obsessed she is with my husband and I's family friend. She treats it like it's no big deal and it's sexual harassment simultaneously. I have had to leave workplaces because of actual sexual harassment so this rubs me the wrong way. How do I tell my friend that she's annoying everyone with this, killing the vibe and making light of like actual SH. It's moving into insufferable, like she can't pick a lane, she hates the attention but doesn't want me to ask him to stop. And idk how to bring this up without calling her crazy it's moving into like this really cringey embarrassing pattern that I wish I'd never clocked

TLDR: My friend is obsessed with pointing out how not obsessed she is with my husband and I's family friend. She treats it like it's no big deal and it's sexual harassment simultaneously. I have had to leave workplaces because of actual sexual harassment so this rubs me the wrong way. How do I tell my friend that she's annoying everyone with this, killing the vibe and making light of like actual SH.

OKAY so for reference we're all 30 or pushing 30 in my friend group AKA way too old for this shit.

So my friend let's call her Mal, was recently broken up with, she asked me for good "rebound guys" so I mentioned our friend Matt. Matt owns a bar that we hang out at a lot, and he's a huge flirt. But flirts with everyone. Including me the first time we met. He's a chill dude, friendly with everyone and immediately backed off of me when I communicated I wasn't interested, no harm no foul we're still friends.

My friend Mal rejected this idea, no big deal, he comes up in conversation and I mentioned his ex-wife was super beautiful. She demanded to see a pic of her (I oblige) and she starts comparing her body to hers. Obviously I clock this as weird but let it go cause attraction is weird and insecurities are weird and all of this is just none of my business.

Well the two of them meet when we go to the bar he owns and Matt does what he does with everyone, he keeps it super casual but is a little flirty.

Here is what he isn't doing:

- commenting on bodies,

-asking if single,

-asking for phone numbers,

-oogling of any kind.

-initiating physical contact AT ALL

We're talking "Hey ladies can I grab you guys something" and she's acting like he catcalled her. I've explained OVER AND OVER AGAIN that I haven't told Matt about her or encouraged anything. It was literally just the one time when she asked explicitly for an easy hookup. I've also said over and over again that he is super chill and if you just politely ask him to stop doing whatever he literally will BUT AGAIN he does this with everyone and he isn't like singling her out. I offered to ask him to stop on her behalf and she went "no it's fine" ?????

I'm never someone to give a man the benefit of the doubt. And I don't have to because he literally isn't doing anything. He is saying hi and then going to do his job. We don't hang out outside of the bar he owns, he doesn't follow her on social media, like he is showing no overt interest in my friend besides being friendly when she walks into the bar he owns.

I'm posting this because a week ago we were at Matt's bar celebrating our friend's graduation and she texts me under the table asking if he still likes her, because he covered her last round. He covered everyone's last round. It was my friend's graduation. I tell her this and she goes "yeah but it was like the way he did it?" and I went "okay?". He covers rounds all the time, like mine and my husband's, just mine, that's really typical for bartenders to do with regulars. I finally reiterate what I said again that he hasn't ever brought her up when she hasn't been around and as far as I know has no interest. During this conversation I look over and he's literally chatting up a different woman in line for the bathroom and not looking in our direction at all.

FTR she has never hung out alone with him/seen him at all when I've not been there. I am there for every interaction she complains about he hasn't done or said anything inappropriate and if he had I'D DEFINITELY KNOW ABOUT IT.

It's just really annoying and extra and like once a hangout we have to all stop and acknowledge that Matt might be interested in Mal and how "annoying"/"inappropriate" that is. AGAIN we are all thirty. It irks me bc Matt has really come through for my husband and I several times and I hate the way she is characterizing him and turning this into some big thing when nothing has happened. I've also experienced sexual harassment in the workplace and it lead to me leaving that role. SO I get really sensitive around this stuff and it really feels like she's implying something that's not happening.

It's moving into insufferable, like she can't pick a lane, she hates the attention but doesn't want me to ask him to stop. And idk how to bring this up without calling her crazy. It feels like she just wants everyone to pause and acknowledge that she gets hit on by men once a hangout. And it's moving into like this really cringey embarrassing pattern that I wish I'd never clocked

What’s the logic behind this? I feel like no one has ever responded well to it. Genuinely curious why do people still do it?

So I just gotta be forreal. I’m only in this field/at this job because of extensive pressure from my parents to go back to school for something more stable (and Ive never forgiven myself for listening to them lmao). This causes me to have really intense depression/anxiety spirals bc I REALLY FEEL like I don’t belong.

I’ve been trying to leave this job for over a year now but ya know, the economy. It’s not that the job is bad or that I’m even bad at it (every performance review has been stellar, I’ve been given more responsibilities etc.) but to be incredibly honest the work flow/culture/everything about it is super incompatible with my ADHD and it takes ALOT out of me to stay focused. If I had some hybrid model/space to not feel like I have to perform busyness 24/7 or even just a workspace with a window I don’t think I’d be battling constant depressive spirals/executive dysfunction nearly as much.

The role is basically fundraising with an emphasis in grant writing and events. Im super good at schmoozing/playing that part at these fundraisers I organize because I’ve worked as an actor/within hospitality for most of my career.

But much of my actual day to day office work is very solitary. I stay on task by using headphones through out the day alternating between brown noise/lofi study focus music to pass the time and keep my mood up. The issue is people will randomly try to make small talk/socialize and idk maybe im a bitch but I literally cannot break my flow for even a second lately bc of how hard it is to stay on task for me. Additionally, idk I just don’t want to be friends with my coworkers? I live a semi-double life between still performing and working here and a lot of pieces I do are very NSFW so I’m legit resistant to building friendships with people. But idk I’m really worried it’s coming off as inconsiderate/standoffish but I just….don’t need to tell Becky from HR my favorite color? I don’t want to go to office drinks? Or do the secret Santa (which I got strong armed into organizing this year somehow 🤮)

I guess I’m just asking is this actually an issue? Idk I hear my friends talk about their office jobs in a totally different way. To me it’s literally the place I sit in a room sending emails to potential donors and writing grants all day?

TLDR: do you have to be friends with your colleagues actually?

So my parents and I at this phase basically will get like “happy Mother’s Day” texts and an accompanying gift. This is like the only real contact we have.

This has been what we’ve done for several years now. It’s just way too hard to aim for meaningful reconciliation right now for a variety of reasons. There’s just SO much resentment that being in contact with them is detrimental to my mental health.

Well, everyone but my grandma forgot my birthday. Like I got a gift from my grandma and no one else. Not my parents or my sister. Like they literally forgot. It’s not so much that I care but it is like??????

Do I need to continue getting them gifts for Xmas/birthdays/mother’s day? Is this the sign that I can just stop interacting altogether. I was holding on for their sake but I kinda feel like they aren’t thinking about me much at all and maybe I could just phase myself out.