u/DefinitelyNotMicah

Warning that this might not make much sense, but I will try my best. The past 24 hours have not been easy; broadly, the last 7 days have been very difficult.

For as long as I can remember, I have not been connected to this body. I am extremely numb all over, and I do not recognise this body in the mirror. As I've grown up, I've developed a (ironically) deep connection to this disconnect, and tried to explore it. Even though I feel numb all over, I still have a very sensitive sense of interoception; sense inside the body.

So, over time, I've stopped seeing this body as mine or me. Instead, this is the body. The body has properties and is an object of my manipulation. And I exist numb to it, but within it and connected to it.

The most frustrating element of this has not been dealing with it by myself. Despite my ongoing funding request for specialist therapy targeting this disconnect. Which has not been green-lit in years. It's that this disconnect, which I clearly understand and articulate, has never been formally recognised.

The NHS recognises my flashbacks, hallucinations, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, panic attacks, etc. But that my left hand and right hand feel like they belong to different bodies? No can do. Beyond even that. The statement seems to be, "We don't recognise that here. We don't recognise you here." I have had a funding request for dissociative therapies for years, without progress.

What can I do? I can't stop working for this, I have goals and things I want to do with this life. And I'm not going to wait any longer for the NHS to shift their arse. Ironically, I need to engage with the dissociation and put internal systems in place to manage this awful feeling. While ensuring I can get everything I need to do in a day, done. I am watching it very carefully and trying to keep the 'right parts' of myself around to get my jobs done each day.

So the body is a property-object now. It's not me, or something I can belong in; it is a machine for me to utilise for my functional goals; a suite of properties attached to the object. I don't want to be thinking that way, to be clear, but I feel like if I am going to do what I need to, I need to start getting things done. I am working to understand this machine and its quirks, then set up routines and systems to keep it properly cared for. That's how I can ensure its proper function to allow me to achieve the other things I need to do.

I am so tired. I am so alone. I have built everything myself, and I just thought maybe someone could help... But alas, back to the grindstone.

^(I am going to my GP tomorrow and will be explaining this to her. Hopefully we can get some update on this funding request, please.)

Quick backstory: I am a 30-year-old, living around the Manchester area. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and OCD, and also have epilepsy.

Around 5 years ago, I started learning about a concept in psychology called 'dissociation'. Which is where the mind disconnects from itself and the body to manage high chronic [dis]stress. It blew my mind because I've been dealing with it my entire life and didn't know it had a name. For example, limbs feel very numb a lot of the time and I feel emotionally dull most of the time, too. After speaking with my GP and neurologist, we all think that my sense of 'disconnect' is dissociation from childhood trauma. I've had several rounds of therapies (like EMDR – which did nothing – and CBT). So my GP started an Individual Funding Request for therapy at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies.

This was around 2022.

After being made to go through 12 sessions of art therapy. Which didn't help, surprisingly. There has been no updates in about 2 years, and the handler of my case is not responding to communications. Meanwhile, I am in permanent suffering without any care.

Earlier this year, I drank a lot and became alcoholic. Which is not a new thing, I've always been addicted to things since I was an overeating child. And I also got fired for poor performance at work. Drinking has been steadily slowing, and I'm making good progress on it.

There doesn't appear to be a winning move here with the NHS. There's nothing more I can do than patiently explain and re-explain my dissociative experiences. I have even made videos, web demos, and 3D models to help convey it, but, nothing. It's clear that the issue isn't a lack of understanding, the issue is that they don't want to fork over my tax money to pay for my treatment.

Now I am just left without any path forward now, and still in a dissociative curse. What is the winning move here? There doesn't appear to be any, other than disengaging and dealing with it myself. The whole ordeal, especially being ignored, has been incredibly stressful and significantly worsened my health.