u/DefinitelyNotMicah

Good afternoon! (it a bit of a longer one than I had planned lol)

Since it has been clear that Burnham was going to take Downing Street, I've been thinking about what his premiership could mean.

For some background, I am a 30 year old (currently unemployed) software engineer living outside Manchester. Got mental health problems to deal with, one of the reasons I've taken a break after losing my job. And I am also a transgender person, transitioned privately in my early 20s before the NHS took over my care.

My biggest hope from Burnham is that he's going to materially improve people's lives; put more money in everyday folk pocket, improve social systems, and hopefully put some money into the NHS, too. We'll have to wait and see. My hopes aren't like... Crazy, but it does feel nice to indulge in feeling a bit more positive about the future.

However. On the other hand. I think we're living in an era of mainstreamed reactionary politics. Anti-immigrant (or anti-non-'white' more broadly), anti-woman, anti-disabled, and anti-queer (especially anti-trans)* sentiments are all becoming increasingly more common. Spurred, I think, not just by the incredible money being pumped into the relevant parties, but also the degradation of 'every day life' and opportunities.

When I was growing up in the '00s through '10s, the hope I had was school, A-Levels, degree, decent paying long term employment as a developer... Now that's rapidly disappearing thanks to AI in my industry. The promise of AI is the idea that it can replace paying people, which is already stopping job creation and creating redundancy. So if you are growing up today, what hope is there for the future?

That kind of hopelessness is becoming mainstreamed, I feel it all the time. That kind of hopelessness drives people to seek a 'reason'. People need hope or they seek blame for their apparent hopelessness, i.e. immigrants, women, disabled people, and transgender people. I really really hope that someone in government understands this and what's going on. Maybe Burnham can materially improve peoples' lives, give us hope again.

Until then, though, I feel like we're going to be living in this era of increased hopelessness and reactionary politics. Even once policy is implemented, it takes time to change culture. I am worried that Burnham will start improvement but 'need' to retain a more socially conservative appearance to stay popular enough. "Burnham Wants Men In Women's Sports," is a headline I could easily see dominating if he said something on the matter. I'm expecting him to toe the current line.

I do hope he can improve peoples' lives. But I am terrified he'll throw me under the bus while doing it.

I'd be interested to hear from people on other intersections what you're feeling and thinking at the moment? Sorry I might not reply if I am being honest – I have crazy anxiety lol – but I will read it.

^(*Non-exhaustive list.)

CW: transphobia, child abuse mention, self-injury mention.

Warning that I am going to sounds like a huge miserable arsehole in this, and, to be honest, I'd expect people to get a bit in and click off lol. That's fine, a big part of this was to air some feelings.

To run through the lore; I grew up in a very abusive family with lots domestic abuse and sexual abuse, then bullying at school (which protected those abusers and provided a 'cover' for my emotional/mental problems), in a very rough neighbourhood (i.e. gangs roaming around that attack you), and quickly developed an eating disorder and >!cutting!< issues. Due to the eating disorder, I would balloon to around 22st/140kg by 19/20 years old.

I started to transition in my early 20s, now 30, privately through a job while at university. I'm fairly happy with what I've been able to do. It's not to the level I'd ideally like things to be but, given the circumstances, I'm fairly pleased. I have also lost a lot of weight, too, and now weigh around 11st 10lbs/74kg.

Yet I've found myself in a country that actually hates what I have done and will actively punish me for it. Even though what I have done was partly fuelled by a drive to reclaim some bodily autonomy. I go outside and constantly look over my shoulder, constantly observe. When I look online the people who I would usually respect are radio silent about what I (we) are dealing with. (They'll dip their toes with "shouting out my trans folk" to seem more supportive/invested, though. Need to get our money.)

Now it's just like, "Wow, I did all that work and put in all that effort, not just for nothing but to actively be loathed for it and misunderstood." It feels awesome. I am alone in my flat, slowly lost nearly all my friends over the course of this year, became an alcoholic, too. When I look outside, I can only see false support or empty people who do not care; it's exactly what happened when I was a child.

After it all, I just feel myself becoming a cynical arsehole. Expecting, at least, non-support or lip-service, at worse outright hostility. Like, I joined the Green Party at the start of the year and I'm planning to go to a local meeting for the first time. I messaged ahead to try and see if I could get assurance of safety. I'm not expecting a response. Or, if there is one, it'd be some wishy-washy statement about 'respecting the LGBTQ' and leaving it there.

God am I so tired of it. Tired of being in the news. Tired of being talked about but not talked to. Tired of feeling extremely unsafe, reminds me of growing up around those gangs. Always watching over my shoulder, monitoring, observing, watching. Tired of being me. It is never safe and it feels as if nobody cares.

I grew up in an extremely rough suburb around Liverpool and was attacked multiple times by the roaming gangs of troubled teens. Alongside growing up in an abusive household with domestic violence and being >!sexually assaulted!< at my gran's house by her carer. This was back in the early 000s too, so more public understanding and allowance that boys, y'know, have feelings too wasn't as common as it is today.

Needless to say, I did not feel safe at all growing up. Hence, I was diagnosed with lots of ABCs. Transitioning was one of the ways I regained bodily autonomy after it was taken from me growing up. So I worked while studying at uni and paid for private HRT, fertility preservation, and laser hair removal. Now I am being punished for it by the state and this country's culture. Like... What the fuck?

It's just the same how I felt growing up. Always watching over my shoulder when outside. Monitoring everyone around me. Making sure I look perfect before heading out in gendered clothing. Sometimes just going 'dude mode' for a more safe feeling. As I write this my arms are completely numb from dissociation, one of my core symptoms.

Shout out to everyone here who is continuing to struggle. It's real and it is incredibly difficult out there, yet we persist. (We're stubborn like that. 😉)

^(Sorry about the lame title, lol. It's the best I could think of.)

I have been saying, "Pisser Dick or Shitter Arse?" Randomly for years. My friends don't get it and neither do colleagues, yet I persist.

Butt, is Shitter Arse a JAR character or someone just made up? I honestly can't remember.

Cheers Mingers.

I really just need a hug...

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD at 17 (now 30) also have OCD, epilepsy, and extremely bad dissociation (currently trying to be assessed might have DID).

For some context, this might jump around a bit; I have been trying to access treatment for dissociation via Individual Funding Request (IFR) for 3.5-4 years without any progress. Apart from being offered 12 sessions of art therapy, which was insulting if I'm being honest and utterly useless. In the meantime, I have to deal with it myself. I haven't had any therapy for 18 months due to the service I was engaging with closing down. The only therapy being offered to me is CBT and EMDR, which I have had years of and don't help. My IFR was rejected at the start of the year because I had developed an alcohol dependency (which I developed to try and escape my dissociation). Now I have reduced my alcohol intake by myself and I now also have currently have to manage all my symptoms myself.

Last night I had seizures and woke up with extremely bad headaches, went to hospital. I'm back home now and given some codeine (which isn't helping with headache).

I'm just so tired and exhausted of having to do everything myself. I am crying as I write this because I just can't do it anymore. I don't have family really, since most are not great people, and my friends are spread across the country. So every day I wake up alone, manage everything alone, and everything takes all my effort all of the time without any break. And if I ever stray in this, then something like my temper my slip, or people around me will not understand what I am trying to tell them (i.e. the GP) because I now understand that my experience seems quite different from theirs.

It is all day every day and has been for decades. There is no way to ever get a break (without doing harmful substances, even then that is very bad for me). So I think I'm just tired of being patient and completely drained of all my energy.

Please, can someone just take a portion of this burden from me? I just need a break for one day, please. I am begging.

Thank you for listening to my ramblings.

I am 30 as of this year. l have had a funding request in progress for about 3-4 years. And I have been taking some type of substance since about 3-4 when I was exposed to it.

Condensing a lot. I have a 1st class honours degree and I have some 5 years experience in software engineering (my industry). Got fired at the top of this year, complicated and I think it was BS but hey-ho. And now I am unemployed and an alcoholic.

Tbh... I wanted to describe my dissociation. How difficult it is to reject drink, then reject dissociation, and then reject routine as another force that compels us to drink.

Oh. As I am writing. NHS 111 just hung up. Nevermind. That's crazy, btw. I'm lucky that I can pull on years of experience and previous therapy so that I can deal with this. What the hell is someone else supposed to do? Even I am struggling, despite years and years of therapy beforehand...

It's one of those things where, like, I try to be understanding if someone has never met a gender non-conforming person. Even though I think I'm quite feminine. But, oh my god, I am so over being the one expected to constantly micromanage their emotions for other peoples' comfort and education.

So when I get asked, "Are you a man or a woman?" The way I deal with it is by trying to make the situation as awkward as possible. Because they always start it with, "Oh, uhm, I'm sorry to ask (why are you asking then, anyway), like, uhh, are you a man or a woman?" Then I just laugh and smile at them like they've done something stupid (I mean, they have, but) then let it hang for 10-15 seconds. Following it up with, "You know how people are men and women? Well, I'm in between." And do not elaborate.

Basically, make the whole thing so awkward and uncomfortable that they'll never want to do this again or mention this to anybody. I won't lie, it's kind of hilarious when you look at them stupid and you watch them die inside. It's annoying, I hate being asked, though I do understand where it's coming from if somebody has never encountered a non-binary/trans/gender non-conforming person.

Just... Please use Google next time. It's free. Cheers.

Idk what to write, or how to write it. But basically, I've probably slept about 12 hours this week. I have trouble sleeping because of hypervigilance & anxiety from C-PTSD. I also have seizures, originally my neurologist thought it was pre-frontal cortex epilepsy, but now we're thinking it's both epilepsy and dissociative seizures. I had two big seizures Friday-Saturday and Saturday-Sunday in my sleep last week. Which has really freaked my C-PTSD out, since seizures mean losing control of my body (which is important for managing my C-PTSD, relaxing, and getting to sleep).

Tonight though, I just want a good night sleep. So exhausted... I've purposefully been avoiding all things that irritate me. I've purposefully been trying to take things chill tonight so I'll be in the best mindset for a peaceful sleep. After finishing here, I'm purposefully winding down my screens and actually trying to prepare for bed.

So, I'm really, really, hoping for a good night sleep tonight. Good by my standards. So 6–7 (no meme intended) hours would be perfect. Please. Pretty please. We'll see lol. Hope you're all looking forward to the weekend!

^(I'm so tired.)

Warning that this might not make much sense, but I will try my best. The past 24 hours have not been easy; broadly, the last 7 days have been very difficult.

For as long as I can remember, I have not been connected to this body. I am extremely numb all over, and I do not recognise this body in the mirror. As I've grown up, I've developed a (ironically) deep connection to this disconnect, and tried to explore it. Even though I feel numb all over, I still have a very sensitive sense of interoception; sense inside the body.

So, over time, I've stopped seeing this body as mine or me. Instead, this is the body. The body has properties and is an object of my manipulation. And I exist numb to it, but within it and connected to it.

The most frustrating element of this has not been dealing with it by myself. Despite my ongoing funding request for specialist therapy targeting this disconnect. Which has not been green-lit in years. It's that this disconnect, which I clearly understand and articulate, has never been formally recognised.

The NHS recognises my flashbacks, hallucinations, obsessive-compulsive thoughts, panic attacks, etc. But that my left hand and right hand feel like they belong to different bodies? No can do. Beyond even that. The statement seems to be, "We don't recognise that here. We don't recognise you here." I have had a funding request for dissociative therapies for years, without progress.

What can I do? I can't stop working for this, I have goals and things I want to do with this life. And I'm not going to wait any longer for the NHS to shift their arse. Ironically, I need to engage with the dissociation and put internal systems in place to manage this awful feeling. While ensuring I can get everything I need to do in a day, done. I am watching it very carefully and trying to keep the 'right parts' of myself around to get my jobs done each day.

So the body is a property-object now. It's not me, or something I can belong in; it is a machine for me to utilise for my functional goals; a suite of properties attached to the object. I don't want to be thinking that way, to be clear, but I feel like if I am going to do what I need to, I need to start getting things done. I am working to understand this machine and its quirks, then set up routines and systems to keep it properly cared for. That's how I can ensure its proper function to allow me to achieve the other things I need to do.

I am so tired. I am so alone. I have built everything myself, and I just thought maybe someone could help... But alas, back to the grindstone.

^(I am going to my GP tomorrow and will be explaining this to her. Hopefully we can get some update on this funding request, please.)

Quick backstory: I am a 30-year-old, living around the Manchester area. I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and OCD, and also have epilepsy.

Around 5 years ago, I started learning about a concept in psychology called 'dissociation'. Which is where the mind disconnects from itself and the body to manage high chronic [dis]stress. It blew my mind because I've been dealing with it my entire life and didn't know it had a name. For example, limbs feel very numb a lot of the time and I feel emotionally dull most of the time, too. After speaking with my GP and neurologist, we all think that my sense of 'disconnect' is dissociation from childhood trauma. I've had several rounds of therapies (like EMDR – which did nothing – and CBT). So my GP started an Individual Funding Request for therapy at the Clinic for Dissociative Studies.

This was around 2022.

After being made to go through 12 sessions of art therapy. Which didn't help, surprisingly. There has been no updates in about 2 years, and the handler of my case is not responding to communications. Meanwhile, I am in permanent suffering without any care.

Earlier this year, I drank a lot and became alcoholic. Which is not a new thing, I've always been addicted to things since I was an overeating child. And I also got fired for poor performance at work. Drinking has been steadily slowing, and I'm making good progress on it.

There doesn't appear to be a winning move here with the NHS. There's nothing more I can do than patiently explain and re-explain my dissociative experiences. I have even made videos, web demos, and 3D models to help convey it, but, nothing. It's clear that the issue isn't a lack of understanding, the issue is that they don't want to fork over my tax money to pay for my treatment.

Now I am just left without any path forward now, and still in a dissociative curse. What is the winning move here? There doesn't appear to be any, other than disengaging and dealing with it myself. The whole ordeal, especially being ignored, has been incredibly stressful and significantly worsened my health.