u/DesiresAreGrey

i remember feeling bad for not knowing much about the trans community as a trans person (just as a hecking vxlid ally) in 2015-2020 but then i realized a lot of you have only started transitioning in the past 2 years or less

like almost none of you know what the trans community was like before 2023 (which was the point where shit started getting really bad). lowkey i miss the trans community of back then there was a lot less terf psyops and medical transition was not nearly as demonized by trans people back then as it is now

like what are you telling me that you talk to an amputee about how awesome it is to have an arm? are you saying you talk to someone with cancer about how awesome it is to not have any tumors or anything?

why does empathy completely go out the window when it’s about trans people?

saw a post about transmisogyny on my feed on an intersectional feminism related subreddit and it was just trans men talking about le hecking transmisandry (which is already weird to bring up out of the blue when talking about transmisogyny) and they were getting upvoted and some of the comments critical of “transmisandry” even got removed

most feminists online are highkey just terfs which sucks as a trans woman who cares about feminism

i fell for a fucking discord scam. my gmail that i’ve used for over a decade got stolen.

the hacker texted me and even called me. he had selfies of me and my location which was terrifying. he also heard my voice when he called me and i begged him to give me my acct back

he told me he’d give it back if i “played with my pussy on cam” which was a horribly weird feeling because 1 i passed 2 it was such a horrible thing to hear someone verbally say that to you and 3 iwnbaw because i don’t have one anyway

i feel kinda hopeless tbh.

like among the stuff i’m reading here (i didn’t scroll too far tbf since im new here) it feels like every abcd has much more of a connection to their parents culture than i do like apparently indians and pakistanis hate each other (sorry if that’s completely wrong and offensive i just don’t know anything). and like people seem way more “brown” than me culturally.

the only connection i still have with sri lankan culture is making the food my mom made for me when i grew up but otherwise im very very americanized and “white” culturally and sometimes i even feel weirded out by desi culture (moreso other desi ethnicities than sri lankan but still sri lankan)

growing up i always rejected the culture (if you saw my previous deleted post i made on sleeping pills you’d know one reason why) and even compared to the other first generation sri lankan immigrants that my parents knew the family of before coming to america i was significantly less connected to the culture than their kids.

the main differences between me and the other second generation sri lankan immigrants i knew growing up is that most of them were neurotypical and not trans. i feel like part of why i subconsciously rejected sri lankan culture is cause desi culture seems very very gender divided (moreso than the west i think). i was raised as a sri lankan boy and i always knew subconsciously that i didn’t like the male side of SL culture, and i remember always being jealous of the female side of sri lankan culture that my younger sister got to be a part of.

i didn’t fit into the male side and i wasnt allowed into the female side so i just never got into desi culture. western culture, while still gender segregated, is a lot less like that i feel like which is why i preferred western culture. but my parents didnt know or understand much of western culture because they were immigrants. growing up i never fit in with the other desi kids but i also barely fit in with the white kids.

since coming out as trans i feel even less connected to desi culture. my parents stopped talking to their sri lankan american friends. if i didn’t transition my parents would probably be happier but i probably wouldn’t still be alive rn. i feel a lot of guilt because everyone views trans people negatively. the only good thing i have is that i pass as female, even without needing to wear feminine clothes. but i also don’t feel like i deserve to wear sri lankan feminine clothes, i feel like id be a caricature even though i pass.

i have no one to talk about this stuff with. the two other sri lankan trans women i know were born and raised in sri lanka (both have very unaccepting parents) so sometimes it feels like im the only sri lankan-american trans woman ever which adds a lot to the isolation

this post might not make sense cause i’m like on a bunch of sleeping pills rn so im extra dumb but like

i was born in the US and my parents moved from sri lanka to the US before that.

like i grew up mostly surrounded by a diverse but still mostly white set of people. as a kid i always kinda really liked talking with white people but at the same time it always felt like i never fit in. meanwhile the other sri lankan kids and just in general the other desi kids i like didn’t fit in with either, likely due to my fucked up gender. i was forced to be male except i was a sensitive loser who couldn’t make friends.

i couldn’t make normal friendships with girls cause my parents would always go like “omg are you dating her” (i had no interest in that) and whenever i tried to make friendships with men i just didn’t connect well cause i just didn’t get it. i didn’t feel like i fit in with anyone

right after graduating from high school i realized i was trans and like so i started transitioning. it’s been about 5 years of hormones for me.

wait i got off track. with the abcd stuff i remember googling it and seeing a quote of “too american to fit in with south asians and too south asian to fit in with (white) americans” and like thats pretty much how it went for me.

back to the gender stuff cause it 100% adds on. obv desi countries dont like trans people (maybe you guys dont like us either (i dont like myself for being trans either sk i get it)). i’ve been transitioning for 5y and i pass as a woman in daily life.

except i wear my pretransition clothes and i dont wear anything feminine really (height voice and face are the main ways people gender others. i just come off as a weird loner autistic femcel cis woman to the vast majority of people). i dont feel like i deserve to (on top of feeling scared that itll look bad on me). my younger sister was shown sri lankan girlhood and then womanhood from my mom and so she understands it. never got that. i dont deserve to get that.

growing up i was forced to be a sri lankan boy and i really didnt like that culture (soecifically the male side). i always felt envious of the female side of it, but i knew i couldnt do it, so i disconnected myself from sri lankan culture and as a result im the most “american” out of my sri lankan-american peers that i grew uo around (my parents werent the only ones who moved from SL to america)

i ended up becoming an outcast like the abcd sorta thing but on steroids. the majority sri lankan culture i was taught was the male side of it which my brain automatically rejected.

sorry for this ramble im on sleeping pills (prescribed dw)

also like if anyone has questions feel free to ask

also if this post is stupid for this subreddit feel free to tell me

being trans is agony because even if you lived long enough to forget every single thing you ever cared about (like if you were immortal) you would still feel the incongruity that is being trans. no matter where you run or how much you cope the pain and the wrong feelings will always be there

iwnh a normal happy life