u/DesperateBus2403

this is my first relationship and boy does it have its troubles. idk how to communicate and i damage myself the longer i stay with her how do i end things? i want to know about the appropriate conversation and steps to take afterwards please (18m and 15f more about it on my account)

god i don't understand how people still believe they can suffocate themselves to death, i mean i did this with the knowledge of death being roughly impossible but i got the idea because of my gf (15) who told me in a vulnerable moment that she had tried suicide doing that. i'm so upset and i just dig my hole deeper every day my issue is that i don't want to be in this relationship anymore and it's taking a big toll on me and my mental health however, everytime i breakup with her (happened two days ago for the third time) she starts getting extremely suicidal saying things like she just wants to be with me or be at peace and she relapses to cutting herself. she is diagnosed with bpd attachment issues daddy issues and many other things she is medicated for and im not trying to throw shade but i want to be transparent and say that when she splits she hits me and ive never been hit harder by a woman before. this is my first relationship at 18 years old and i definitely dont know what im doing please dont judge the age gap we were both minors when we met and she approached me (15 and 17) she's a wonderful talented girl and i just know she will be very rich and successful when she grows up, she pushes me to be a better person and challenges me daily. i believe she could be my soulmate and there are many days where things feel almost perfect but the issues that exist are heavy in my opinion and i cant put them past myself. i dont have a job and when we had met almost 7 months ago i had money saved up from celebrations and birthdays. (roughly $5,000) now that money is depreciated to $1,400 and every fucking dime i lost was spent on her and the meals we eat out. i haven't really noticed much gratitude from her in most of the time we've been together except for tonight i bought her a rose toy (yeah that little vibration toy women go nuts for) and she didn't shut up about how she'd been using it for 50 minutes and she's soo grateful for it but i wish she acted like that when i got her food for weeks on end or shopped for clothes with her or genuinely just treated her like she's my daughter. i don't like that she's ungrateful that's one issue. Another issue i have and tbh this is the biggest one is that she's absolutely obsessed with her exes. i haven't done a thing wrong to her (her words not just mine) and both major exes abused her in some way. the first got her pregnant and an abortion at 12 years old while hitting her, cutting her, calling her fat, causing her an eating disorder, raping her, and allegedly holding a knife to her throat. this man she's obsessed with to the max. still wears pants he bought her, looks at pictures of him, has sex tapes on her phone with him, and even stalks his social media. the other ex i don't know much about, they were in a relationship for 3 months and he watched porn behind her back which in case you aren't a new gen that's considered cheating now. he doesn't have social media but she still replays their sex tapes and gets friends to message him at sleepovers. now let me get this straight shes claimed that when she's in a relationship she can't mentally be attracted to other people and she gets tunnel vision with her partner many times and she also has overwhelming jealousy issues. what i mean by that is i cant mention an older lady gave me a pencil during school without her getting intrusive and asking about it. yeah her jealousy is really bad but i dont even do anything to trigger it, now can you imagine if i had exes i talked about the way she talks about hers and even contacted them? she's awful to me and i cant possibly leave her because i know she'd cut, starve, and maybe even kill herself if i did. im being manipulated to the maximum capacity and i dont know how to get out. i dont want to hurt my sweet little girl but im nearly killing myself just by being around her everyday. how do i breakup with a girl who has bpd and will yell scream and sob for me to stay? how do i put my feelings to the side and save myself? i'm so fucking scared right now id rather kill myself than break up with a tiny girl