u/Diabolical_Coffee

You won’t want to read this if you get mad when people struggle with using mobility aids.

I walked a lot yesterday and pulled my cane outside at some points. I forgot how much faster I walk with a cane. But that’s really not the point.

The point is that I felt and looked stupid. I have really large breasts so I get fetishised a lot anyway, which I hate. But I feel even more conscious of it when using a mobility aid for some reason because even more creeps approach me. They see the cane and assume I can’t get away.

There were so many tourists staring at me, I think one of them said something to their friend.

I’m 27. People my age do ultramarathons. And here’s me struggling to walk.

It’s ridiculous. It feels ridiculous. I am ridiculous.

I would prefer to walk slowly and not feel like a target than walk fast.

This isn’t good news. I don’t fucking want this. I don’t want to be congratulated. I’m not in a “fuck it” mood. I’m not doing this because I wanna fight them. I’m doing it because it’s now a matter of survival. I’m doing this because I’m sick and getting sicker and I need the money so I can get the things I need. So I can even consider dropping half a day a week at my job. I’m doing it because I don’t have a choice anymore. I can’t afford the extra disability related costs based on my salary alone.

So, no congratulations, please. Good luck is fine. Solidarity is welcomed. But most important to me right now is frank recognition that I’ve been backed into a corner. I’ve got no resources, I work full time so I can’t go and see a benefits advisor and I don’t wanna talk to anyone about this anyway, I can’t pay fightback to help me with this. I’m going it alone because I don’t have a choice. And when it fails, I will be irritated as fuck.

Let me walk through the entire context. I am 27, a woman, and living in London alone. I also work full time.

In 2021, a “friend” started hassling me to apply for PIP which is the disability benefit for disabled people, after I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and hypermobility spectrum disorder. I said no. I didn’t want it. I couldn’t face it. She kept on and on about it, told me she’d help me do it. She didn’t.

In 2024, I lost an appeal after trying to get PIP. I started off being very open about my needs and using a stick, but I became more closed off and started refusing to use the stick. Now I have a folding one which I carry but barely use because I feel like a fraud.

This year, I tried PIP again. They refused me at the mandatory reconsideration stage again. I became so depressed, I could barely speak without crying for the following 5 days (not great when you work full time). People started trying to encourage me to appeal it. I do not plan to. I don’t want PIP. I need it because it would help me with so many of my disability related expenses, but I just don’t want it. It would help me go down to 4 days a week because I’m hanging on by a thread doing 5, but I just can’t find the strength to go through this shit all over again. Before anyone says “nobody wants it”, I know. But I’m talking specifically about my own pathological fear of being accountable to the DWP for the rest of my life to prove I’m disabled, the possibility of having it taken away again in the future. It’s not worth doing. I can’t even think about going to court again without crying.

This turn of events has also made me angry. I once again hate being disabled. I figure, why should I take account of my disabilities if PIP won’t recognise them? Why don’t I just do whatever I want? Why don’t I just overdo it, overwork, overextend? Nobody cares and seemingly the world would love it if I did. Then my disabilities hamper me with pain and fatigue, and I get angry that I can’t just take them off and put them away. Since I’m such a fraud and don’t need any help with anything.

It’s a shame because I was doing great before this. I absolutely hate the PIP system. It’s not fit for purpose, it leaves people out with arbitrary criteria, the assessors make shit up. Instead of feeling protected and cared for, like all the disabled folk around me appear to be, I’m exhausted and full of rage.

It’s bothering me. When my pain suddenly worsens, which keeps happening because I’m so stressed and upset and tired, I think about appealing it so that I can get on the benefit and get what I need with the money. Then I remember the last judge who shouted at me and asked about my weight, and I start crying. The cycle repeats.

I need the benefit but I can’t deal with going to court again. I need so much help but I can’t find it. I need the benefit, but I couldn’t go to another court hearing. I start sobbing hysterically at the idea of it.

I don’t know what the fuck to do.

I can’t look at the letter without sobbing. I can’t file an appeal. I can’t even think about being in court without crying. I just get constant reminders that I don’t deserve this. I’m not sick enough. My dislocations, pain, dizziness, allergies to thin air are nothing.

So getting my PIP mandatory reconsideration and finding out that I’ve been rejected yet again has pushed me into my first depressive episode since I turned 27, last November. Prior to this, I was doing great; all my mental health ducks were in a row and it was all looking good. I have had BPD too, luckily that’s in remission still, but my separate depressive disorder has come back. I’ve had about 50 depressive episodes in all my life (counting the ones before I knew I had depression) and I know it makes your body aches worse but this time it’s even worse. I think it’s because I’ve had so much deterioration from my HSD in all my joints and my spine and obviously all that will hurt more when I’m sad. I was really uncomfy last night when trying to sleep. It’s really shit.

Not much can be done other than making sure I still attend work and take my meds, eating properly and taking a walk in the evening (which becomes mandatory when I’m sad). I know how to deal with this and soon I will be happy and forget this ever happened. But did anyone else ever find this when they get depressed? That it makes the pain worse?

27F here. Also diagnosed BPD. My depression has been well controlled since October/November. I started to feel much happier and even considered reducing my meds.

Yesterday, I found out that I had been refused PIP (disability benefit in the UK) again after trying to reapply in December due to my chronic pain and hypermobility. I had submitted a mandatory reconsideration after the initial refusal, now it’s come back saying no and they actually took points away. It’s thrown me into my first depressive episode in ages. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. I’m pissed at almost everybody whose intentions I don’t know. Everything is annoying to me. I’m trying to improve my food intake but I don’t see the point anymore. This is horrid and I want it to end, I was feeling so good and I want that back. I’m even considering going on sick until I feel better but I don’t really have the money for that (naturally bc PIP was denied). To be honest, it’s made me wish I didn’t exist.

I don’t need suggestions, I already know what I’ll do. I just need support. This is incredibly frustrating after how well I was doing. I’m not at rock bottom before when my BPD was really bad, I think that’s still in remission. It’s not making me want to directly threaten to unlife. I’m just sad and bored. I passively hope not to wake up again, but I won’t do anything.

As much as I feel burnt out, I also want to waste just a little bit more of their time. Not sure if I’ll take it beyond the reconsideration stage, but I put a start to it and even if I only have them look at it once more, I’ve made them rewrite their explanation again and hopefully they’ll feel ridiculous denying that I’ve got disabilities.

I hope.