u/DickHopschteckler

20 years ago: Open your flip phone and find “Fun Eric.” Tell your greasy, vaguely unsettling “dealer” you want to “meet up”. Meet up behind a bodega at night. Hand him money folded into the palm of your hand, pull your hand away and have a little baggie with a nugget of mystery weed of varying quality. Walk home, swiftly, looking around with growing paranoia as everyone in a hat might be a cop.

Now: wave pleasantly to a cop as you pull into an invitingly lit store with a name like “High Expectations Dispensary.” Be welcomed upon entry by an adorable elven 20 something who has studied for a legitimate cannabis certification and a 6’3 string bean of a young man. Share small talk in a space that feels safe and clean and describe exactly how you want cannabis to make you feel. Have them discuss with each other before they agree to suggest the blackberry CBC pearls. Pay with a credit card. Thank them both profusely, and decide to not share your name… only because you don’t want them to think you are desperate to be their friend. Before you collect your shopping bag, the owner will stop you at the door to give you the free gift of a High Expectations branded luxury beach towel.

What. The. Fuck.

I don’t know what the fuck it is but everything is pissing me off. My wife, in an effort to calm me down from the white hot rage at an admittedly minor annoyance has told me how I should feel about it… and now I am both pissed off at her and stubbornly clinging to the annoyance I feel at said minor annoyance.

I’m mere moments away from telling my loved ones to fuck off and then moving to a cabin in the woods and growing yams.

Other things that are pissing me off include the Taylor Swift wedding. I know it gives a lot of people a lot of joy to know two people they like are having a fairy tale wedding. I don’t want to yuck anybody’s yum. But fuck me sideways I don’t a flying fuck about the flower arrangements or what color the chef’s hat is going to be or whatever the fuck and I am being fed all this information against my will.

Don’t get me started on the woman who is rowing from California to Hawaii. Again, inspiring! Awesome! Good for her! I get updates every couple hours against my will from the fucking algorithm that show.. yep… she’s still fucking rowing. The big picture is amazing… the day to day is like watching flies fuck.

Ooo ooo… and at work we are having a volunteer drive. I had some suggestions including food banks, homeless outreach… guess what we will be doing? Coloring pictures for old people. Fucking crayons. Coloring book pages. And these old people aren’t sick or dying or anything… just old. Imagine being fucking old, making yourself a morning cup of coffee, and trying to figure out why Shelby from Accounts Receivable sent you a picture of Magilla Gorilla. I think I’d be afraid I was succumbing to dementia.

I’ll feel differently tomorrow probably and I’ll feel bad that I was so pissed off but right now this instant I am pissed at every fucking thing. Fuck. Just FUCK.

Singing “Way-oh. Galileo.”

I’m not flirting, I’m happily married. But if you smile at me and it looks like you mean it, it makes my whole fucking day.

If I tell a dad joke and you grin patiently, you are my favorite person for the next hour at least.

And the ultimate, if a customer is being a pain in the ass and you are barely keeping from losing your shit… the customer leaves and you look at me with that face that conveys that we are silently agreeing that that other guy was a dick… that I’m suddenly on team good guy and I got there because I am definitely noticeably NOT a dick… yeah… that’s just the best.

Am I better off putting mortar or silicon caulk around the bannister itself?

Happy to explain further if that didn’t make sense.

I was beaten in the head with a rock and now I’m dumb enough to believe stupid shit.

This sub should be decommissioned at this point.

One giant OF ad.