u/Diligent_Tie_1961

(TW- sh)

Same as the title. I failed in 2 subjects and I was really scared to tell mom about the fee which we would have to pay. I did manage to lie about a few things eg. a lot of students failed in this subject and she believed me, and so the onslaught that I was fearing about failing didn't really come though I was always on the look out for it.

I very fearfully broke the news about the fees to her and suggested that she took the fees from my bank account but she didn't get mad, was nice about it, told me that she's pay and said that there's no need to take money from my account but when I insisted she gave me a vague answer about taking the money.

I am really confused but also relieved since her anger is pretty awful but am I just overreacting? Have I been overreacting this whole time? Why is she doing this She has always been hot and cold, very awful when she's angry and I have to walk on a few(?) egg shells to make sure that she doesn't get angry but otherwise very sappy and child-like and 'sweet' when she isn't angry. Is that a thing or does she just have anger issues instead of being an narc or abusive.

Was I just wrong about her? Could I be the one with narc tendencies here? I probed her further as to why she's not angry (carefully so that she doesn't get angry) but she just said that she feels like she's been putting too much pressure on me about everything. Why is she doing this? is there an ulterior motive? I have been acting distant from her ever since uni started because it is around that time that I came across narcissistic abuse and she has noticed some self harm scars on me (she hasn't realized that they are sh scars) so is this her way of making sure that I stay close to her, because she is pretty enmeshed with me. I feel like I got everything wrong about her..

Not sure if anyone is going to see this but I want to let it out. I'm sorry if this is triggering. I've made a few posts about this on here but I have no where else to reach out.

I was raped as a child a few times and it was not violating or painful the least bit. I never had to do anything except act like a slut and orgasm from him going down on me, I never had to use my mouth or be penetrated anywhere. I had it easy like that.

I was never scared or even mildly uncomfortable, I genuinely enjoyed it and no I wasn't fawning, I wasn't groomed and there are no painful feelings that my mind must have suppressed or buried. I never had/don't have any symptoms that I see here and online, nothing. I exist and I hate that. I don't relate to anyone here or anywhere and I desperately wish that I did.

All of this isn't so much about other people having it worse than me, but rather something that I innately feel about my own 'abuse'. I feel nothing towards it at best and all of this at worst. I've tried limiting my exposure to csa related forums and posts but it runs much deeper than that, It all exists in vacuum as well.

I've been spiraling over this for a few months now and the only thing that eases it is reaching out to violent men to be hurt. Not cnc or rape play, actual rape, discussing locations, telling them that they can do whatever. I know how offensive that is and I apologize for that but this is the only respite that I have. I just want to be hurt, I don't care if it doesn't make me feel valid or like I've made up for not having been hurt; it doesn't matter. If I end up being killed or trafficked, it doesn't matter to me either. I just want to be hurt and I wish that I was hurt before, torn up and hurt. I wish that I had it bad and I know that is so sick and twisted of a thought to have but this is just who I am. I wasn't supposed to make this post since I have the 'solution' now but the thoughts get heavy from time to time.

I know that this is the supposed harm that he inflicted on me but it still doesn't compare, it still doesn't feel like it.

TW- csa, sh, rape

I know how confusing the title is. I don't want to get into this too much but I've been seeking out dangerous and violent men to be hurt. There isn't a single, clear cut reason behind this but rather a conjunction of many 'reasons'.

I am a victim of csa but without getting into the details, it was painless, enjoyable and never a true or proper violation. I never had to do any work or be in any pain, I just had to sit back and greedily take it and ask for it. I am not really looking for any pep talk or words of encouragement because it is too much, every single thing that could've been behind the 'pleasure' just simply aren't there and hurting myself is the only way that I can make up for it. This isn't about feeling desired because that is all that I felt from my previous rapes, if they can be called that, this is more about being used, properly used and violated, what should've been.

I've been in contact with men online, telling them that I want to be hurt, that I am not seeking rape-play or CNC and that there wouldn't be any safe word; and they agree. I don't want to meet up with them and the way I want to go about this is just giving them my location and whereabouts so that they can do whatever they want. I am told that I will be beaten up, bitten and bruised, that they will bring 'friends', not care for my comfort or pleasure (or even use lube because they don't want to) and I could also be videotaped; and I don't really care. At least not like I should, I just don't. I just want to be hurt. It does fulfill something in me but it is nothing sexual or kinky for me, I am also an aro-ace.

I keep having doubts that as to whether all this can be called 'rape' or if this is just me seeking out rough sex in albeit shady and unhealthy circumstances? I'm talking outside of the legal context since that would be ridiculous and I won't be pressing any charges but I just want to know if this is actual self harm (by proxy?) or am I that far gone?

Edit- if any csa or rape victim is reading this, I am really sorry. I know how disrespectful this is but I can't do anything else.

TW- csa, SI, sh

I'm really sorry for making this post, I know that trauma isn't a competition but this isn't about that. I have this agonizing emptiness and hurt in me and I need to put it out somewhere.

I was supposedly raped as a child, I have very sparse memories of it but I am not sure of when it begun. The man who did that lived with my family and he was in my very close orbit from ages 3 to 8, the abuse definitely ended when I was 8 and I have more/clearer memories of my childhood after that age.

When I think of my rape, I only see him going down on me and me giggling and moaning, initiating it, asking him to tie me up etc. I never once felt scared, I was never threatened into anything and so I wasn't fawning, and I don't think that I was groomed. And I also don't think that there are any feelings of fear or pain that my mind must've buried at the moment under the pleasure. He didn't even penetrate me or make me give him pleasure; only gave me pleasure and I took all of it so unabashedly.

I was also the one who ended our 'arrangement' because I didn't want anyone to find out since 'the adults around me don't take well to sexual stuff'. I was in full control. I realized at 14 that it was csa but that only happened in passing and no tears or horror ever came. I somehow forgot about said realization until I found this subreddit recently.

Words cannot describe how much I despise myself. I read stories and accounts of csa victims all over the internet, about how they were in pain, about how they can still feel their abuser's hands over them, how they were hurt, how they get flashbacks and nightmares, how they have injuries both physical and psychological and how it still affects them and feel embarrassed to death and all the horrible stuff under the sun. So much so that I avoid engaging with csa related stuff but it kills me that this is the reason, not something else which actual victims would have for avoiding this stuff. I don't have any symptoms and while that is nothing to be sad over, I feel envious towards those who do.

I know that there are victims out there who also 'enjoyed' their abuse but even their accounts are different from mine. The only reason what happened to me was a crime is because it is seen as wrong in society, not because it was a true violation or because  it hurt me. I wish that it did, I wish that he had actually used me or torn me up and other awful stuff that I hate thinking about and I wish that I wasn't such an eager whore. But at the end, the only fault lies within me, this isn’t so much  about the severity of what was ‘done to me’ than it is about how I reacted to it (or failed to). 

I've spiraled, cried and self harmed over this for months now. I think that the only thing that's left of me is to be used by men, to be in pain, to be treated as a commodity and to be hurt. I seek out violent men for rape and extensively think and plan about putting myself in dangerous situations. I know this wouldn't make me feel like an actual victim or ever fix how I behaved as a child and how gentle he was with me, but I just want to be hurt. I've stopped caring about the potential additional dangers of being killed or trafficked. I wish that I had cried, or hesitated or felt anything aside from pleasure, anything. I wish that I wasn't so shameless and I wish that I wasn't such a slut.

I feel so ashamed around other victims, how do I even share the same space as them? What would they think of me? I don’t belong anywhere. I just hate how I will never be a part of the same space as the other victims, how much I was already ruined from the womb and how much I am ruining myself by having these thoughts. I wish that I was normal like all of you. 

Note- I am really sorry for having these thoughts, much less sharing this in this space. This isn’t a cue for any victims to not talk about their awful experiences, neither am I blaming you. This is on me and I should deal with it however I can. Please don’t curb yourself because of this post.

TW- SI

(Reposting with another title because my post got removed. Please let me know if there's something wrong in this one as well.)

I don't want to get into this too much because I am tired and can't be coherent right now but I basically hate everything about myself. My face, tuberous breasts, my arms, legs, chest, joints and behind, intimate areas and everything else.

I (19F) am already struggling with a lot (past csa, abusive household, potential cptsd and abuse seeking tendencies) and living with an abusive parent but I hate how my body chose to develop like this and I hate how I was denied even something as basic as sunscreen and a cleanser. I hate how I am not even allowed to decide something as simple and how little I want to eat and not allowed to even lose weight or work out and how I am allowed to do anything to fix this or use any products.

I hate how I am marked by acne marks, uneven tan, hyperpigmentation and scars. I feel like a hideous troll. And I hate how dark I am down there. I know that having tuberous breasts and being dark down there are normal but every time I read comments saying that 'it is normal', 'love and accept yourself' I want to kill myself.

I can't live with so much ugliness both on the inside and the outside.

(therapy isn't an option since I live in an abusive and controlling household, even crying can led me to being hurt here)

TW- SI

This is a bit of a shallow topic but my looks and other aspects about my body can give me serious SI and sometimes I only manage to not hurt myself because of my surrounding limiting circumstances, not because I do not want to.

This is tmi but I have tuberous breasts and a shit ton of hyperpigmentation because my mom never let me use even a sunscreen. I do manage to put taking care of myself and miraculously changing my looks onto the future because I can't do anything about the right now even if I wanted to. But on some days I break down and spiral endlessly, thinking and planning about killing myself because I can't live with so much ugliness both on the inside and the outside.

This is it, does anyone of you struggle with the same?