To numb or not numb
Literally so irritated from inconsistent plugs and feel pathetic for desperately waiting on anyone just to get high. So done being dependent on this. I’ve quit before but I don’t even remember how. Everyone says don’t go cold turkey but I deadass can’t even re up right now with these wack ass plugs so I basically have no choice. Plus, everytime is supposed to be me trying to “moderate” and it just doesn’t work. I smoke because I’m depressed. Smoking usually withholds me from getting things done that will actually benefit my life, so I stay depressed. It hurts because I want to so badly to be that person that can just casually integrate it into their lives but, I am dependent on everything.
I have to let go of it all, including my biggest crutch, weed. She’s been with me all through highschool. A part of me doesn’t know who I am if not a smoker. It almost feels like the end of my youth. Was that my last high? I don’t remember it at all. Or the one before that, or really anything since I first smoked at all. I was 15 then, 21 now. My entire life is allegedly infront of me but everything hurts so deeply and weed is such a comfort. I guess it’s time for me to hold myself is instead of running into it’s arms. I could go the rest of my life high and dissociated. I could try to avoid the inevitable pain of life and numb it all down but, I have the rest of my life for that. I’m going to try one more time, and maybe a few times after that. God I just wish I could smoke a blunt right now. I just want to get high and watch regular show. Why is life so complicated? Why couldn’t I just be someone who can smoke/drink like anyone else?